Humuhumunukunukuapua’a


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Episode 50 — Humuhumunukunukuapua’a

     View of the Maquis vessel Humuhumunukunukuapua'a at warp
speed, the stars streaking behind.  Cut to Door Repair Guy in the
torpedo launch control room.  He is leaning up against an open
torpedo casing and writing a letter with pencil and paper using a
computer pad as a flat hard surface.
     Shot of letter with DRG voiceover:

     "Dear Mom.  You say I never write so here.  Just thought I'd
fill you in on everything.  I'm in the Maquis now after busting
out of prison in New Zealand.  Maybe you heard about that, but
let me add that it's really all a trick by Starfleet Security to
defeat the Maquis.  Hope all is well on Nepean 6.  Is the
interdimensional gateway still working?  I guess it must be or
you wouldn't be reading this.  Unless you aren't.  In which case
ignore this.  Except I want to tell you you're going to be a
grandmother.  This Romulan spy T'Rul stole my DNA and got herself
pregnant with it and it's going to be twins unless I don't help
her in which case it won't.  So I think I will though I
shouldn't.  I got a tattoo.  Well, a few really.  The tattoo on
my back that used to say LABATT MAXIMUM ICE but then only said
LABATT MICE on account of me being killed says LABATT MAXIMUM ICE
again only the AXIMUM part is only blue ink.  So I guess it's
also an ad for Labatt Blue!  It's a boy and a girl and I thought
Boris and Natasha would be good names seeing as we're spies (but
don't tell anyone) but she says they're going to be named after
her grandparents.  Her mind is pretty well made up.  So anyway if
you don't hear from me for a while it's because I'm running
around doing spy stuff for my country.  Or somebody's.
     Anyway,
                                   DRG."

     He rolls up the paper, puts it in a bottle, deposits the
bottle in the torpedo casing, locks the lid, loads the torpedo
into the launcher, goes over to the fire control console, glances
guiltily over his shoulder, and depresses the launch initiator. 
Shot of the Humuhumunukunukuapua'a launching the torpedo.
     Bridge.
     Queen Victoria: "What was that?"
     Ro: "We just launched a torpedo.  It's one of those dud
quantums the Yridians sold us."
     Queen Victoria: "No great loss.  Who's in the launch control
room?"
     Ro (checking): "Door Repair Guy."
     "Captain to Security.  Head for the torpedo launch room and
bring me Door Repair Guy."
     *Security here.  "Bring me the head of Door Repair Guy." 
Will do.  Out.*
     Queen Victoria (amused): "They're going to bring me his
head.  Captain to Security.  Bring me Door Repair Guy alive. 
Repeat.  Alive."
     *All right.  All right.*
     Cut to Rupert and Nigel hauling DRG before the Captain.
     Queen Victoria: "You've been up to no good."
     DRG: "Idle hands are the devil's air guitar."
     "I've got a project for you.  You're the well known co-
inventor of the interdimensional gateway.  You also said you
worked on the Guardian of Forever.  I want you to build me a
temporal gateway I can fly this ship through.  We Maquis have
been dealing with the consequences of the Cardassian peace treaty
for three years now and getting nowhere.  So you're going to take
us back in time to prevent the treaty."
     "Assuming a temporal gateway can be built--"
     "And I am."
     "How will you prevent the treaty with only one ship?"
     "Hindsight is 20/20.  I know exactly where to hit."
     She turns in her chair and examines the stars with a
hardened look.
     "We're going to assassinate Admiral Nechayev."


     "Crawlspace.  The final frontier.  These are the voyages of
The Door Repair Guy.  His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
gone before."

     A pair of Maquis raiders shoot by hotly pursued by a
Miranda-class Federation starship.


                    Star Trek: Door Repair Guy


                              Starring 

                         Door Repair Guy as
                              Himself
 
     The two Maquis shoot past in the other direction now with a
Cardassian Galor-class warship on their tail.

                         Also Starring

                         Michelle Forbes as
                              Ro

                         Martha Hackett as
                              Seska

     The Federation and Cardassian ships nearly pile up chasing
Maquis ships into the middle of the screen.  The Maquis loop
around and shoot off, one of them coming right past the camera
and leaving behind a glimmering ion trail which fades to:


[Commercial: Labatt Blue]


     The bridge.  Enter DRG.
     "All right, we built it."
     Queen Victoria and Ro Laren turn.
     Ro: "In four hours?"
     "Well, we broke for lunch."
     Queen Victoria: "Show me."
     DRG leans over the console and punches up a schematic.  We
see a representation of the Humuhumunukunukuapua'a situated
between four small asteroids.  A trapezoid appears connecting the
four rocks.  The vessel moves through the plane of the trapezoid
from the half of the screen marked NOW to the half marked THEN.
     Ro: "How does it work, and can we get back?"
     Queen Victoria: "Getting back is not a big priority.  We can
fit in three years ago."
     Ro: "We'll have us to contend with."
     Queen Victoria: "We can kill us.  We wouldn't be missed."
     DRG: "We could be charged with suicide and executed."
     Queen Victoria: "If it means forestalling this foolish
treaty it's worth it."
     Ro: "What is the scientific principle underlying this
construction?"
     DRG: "Oh, I don't know.  A little of this and a little of
that.  It's holistic."
     "Holistic?"
     "Sure."
     "You're guessing."
     "Well, it works.  That's all I know."
     "How do you know?"
     "We sent through a newspaper and it came back with the
crossword filled in -- except for one word."
     "What word?"
     "Trilithium."
     Queen Victoria: "That's proof enough for me.  When can we
go?"
     DRG: "Well, we've had lunch, so, any time."
     "Captain to crew."
     Shot of crewmembers stopping and listening.
     "Since the signing of the so-called peace treaty between the
Federation and the Cardassian Union we have been at war in order
to liberate our planets from the Cardassian occupiers.  Because
of the continual interference of Starfleet we have been unable to
bring our struggle to a successful conclusion.  Now there is a
way.  We shall presently pass through a temporal gateway to the
days of the treaty negotiation.  Our target: Alynna Nechayev."
     Roars of approval.
     "Door Repair Guy.  Activate gateway."
     Shot of energy trapezoid appearing and connecting the
generators planted on the four asteroids.
     "Ahead.  Full thrusters."
     The Humuhumunukunukuapua'a moves forward between the
asteroids as the camera tracks along-side at a distance.  We see
the ship pass through the gateway.  Cut to the bridge.  Everyone
becomes rigid and falls senseless to the deck.  Shot of the
senseless bodies.
      

[Commercial: Labatt Blue, a true Canadian lager]


     Ro is the first to rise to one elbow.  She shakes her head,
blinks, and sees Door Repair Guy coming to.
     "What kind of energy particle did you use in that gateway?"
     "Cataleptons."
     Queen Victoria rises to her feet, and uncrosses her eyes.
     "What time is it?"
     DRG (punching TIME function on forearm keyboard implant):
"1400 hours."
     "I mean: what year?"
     Ro: "Accessing nearest Federation navigational beacon." 
     She gets the answer, blinks, and re-enters the request.  She
straightens.
     "It isn't three years in the past.  It's fifty years in the
future."
     DRG: "No kidding!  Wow!"
     Queen Victoria signals Rupert and Nigel, who advance on DRG
with warclubs raised.  The computer console bleeps.
     Ro: "Vessel decloaking dead ahead."
     View of a Romulan vessel of unfamiliar design decloaking. 
It shows the traditional avian design motif, but is more of a
bird of passage than a bird of prey.  An albatross, say, though
green of course.  
     Queen Victoria: "Red alert.  Hold on, you two."
     Rupert and Nigel push DRG up against a bulkhead.  Nigel
pulls a staple gun from one of DRG's leg pockets, holds it in
front of his face, and then staples his overalls to the wall.
     Ro: "We're being hailed."
     "On screen."
     On screen appear two Romulans, a man and a woman, both
stylishly dressed for Romulans, and both red-headed.
     *Where is Door Repair Guy?*
     The Maquis captain points across the bridge.
     The pair of Romulans: *Daddy!*
     DRG: "Boris!  Natasha!"
     Romulans: blink.


     Shot of a Cardassian Galor-class warship cruising along at
warp speed.  Voiceover:
     "Gul Talac, Personal Memoirs, Volume Twelve, Chapter Sixty-
three, Page Nine.  I continue my patrol of the Border area.  The
Federation-backed Maquis insurgents are scarcely to be found.  No
doubt they are monitoring my warp core signature and are keeping
far far away.  Well they might.  No doubt they recall the
thrashings I dealt them in Chapters Twenty-nine and Forty-one."
     View of the self-satisfied Gul Talac in his command chair.
He continues:
     "I really must observe at this point that it is fear above
all things that keeps insurgency in check.  The Federation may
supply their Maquis stooges with all the firepower at their
command but it is all for nought if the terrorists are afraid to
come out of their hole.  The deterrence value of a feared name,
like mine, is worth squadrons of battle cruisers.  What a waste
if, as some on Cardassia Prime would have it, ships like this
were redeployed in sectors where they have no such reputation. 
The Klingon frontier comes to mind."
     "Gul Talac."
     "Yes, what is it?"
     "Sensors have detected a Federation torpedo."
     "From what ship?"
     "There is no ship in sensor range.  The torpedo appears to
be a rogue."
     Gul Talac shrugs.
     "Destroy it."
     "Sensors indicate no explosive mechanism onboard the
torpedo.  Perhaps it is a buoy or courier."
     "Hm.  Containing intelligence perhaps.  Beam it aboard."
     "Done."
     "What does it contain?"
     "A letter in a bottle.  It is written in the form of a
personal correspondence but contains a large amount of encoded
information.  The name Labatt occurs."
     "I knew a Gul Labatt.  CC that to me."
     He examines the text on his armrest computer display.
     "This raises more questions than it answers.  Show me the
course of the torpedo."
     He examines this.
     "I'm sure that if we follow this trail to its source we'll
find an ion trail leading to a Maquis ship.  Get to it."
     "As you command, Gul Talac."
     "Personal Memoirs, supplemental.  My carefully constructed
intelligence network has produced another lead.  In due course we
will hunt down and destroy another renegade ship.  If it weren't
such vital work I'd say it was almost boring."
     Shot of the warship warping off on its new heading.


[Commercial: Labatt Ice]


     The camera tracks past the two ships, the Romulan Albatross
and the Maquis raider, parked nose to nose.  Cut to the two red-
headed Romulans on the viewscreen.
     Male Romulan: *I am Shedlok, and this is my sister Altlak.*
     DRG (to Queen Victoria): "Those are T'Rul's grandparents'
names.  On her mother's side."
     Ro: "T'rul.  She's the Vulcan who was just assigned to
Chatokay's ship."
     Queen Victoria: "Romulan.  Make a note to push her out an
airlock when we get back."
     Shedlok: *No!  No!  She's our mother!*
     Altlak: *And a very important religious figure!*
     DRG: "T'Rul?"
     Shedlok: *We have so much to teach you, Dad!*
     Ro: "Wait a minute!  Don't you people have any notion of
temporal hygiene?  We're not supposed to know any of this."
     Shedlok: *You're the ones who came through a temporal
gateway.*
     DRG: "The kid's right."
     Queen Victoria: "We came through to correct a mistake in
history, not for a family preunion."
     Altlak: *Why don't the three of you beam over to our ship so
we can discuss this in the same kind of punctuation?*
     Queen Victoria glances at Ro, who frowns.
     Ro: "I don't like it, though I can't say why."
     Queen Victoria crosses her arms and sniffs.  "I agree."  To
the screen: "All right!  We'll come over.  With our weapons."
     *As you wish.*
     DRG: "Let's go!"  Rip.  "Oh."
     

     View of the Galor-class warship nosing up to the catalepton
trapezoid.
     Cut to Gul Talac frowning and examining his viewscreen.
     "What do you think it is?"
     "The letter mentioned an interdimensional gateway."
     "Yes, yes!  I recall.  Could this be such a gateway?"
     "Perhaps.  We have little on file concerning these
structures."
     "Is no one capable of independent research?"
     "The scientists have all gone to work for the civilian
government."
     "Women!  I suppose we'll just have to go through and see
where it leads."
     "We're a bit too large."
     "Then use your tractor beams to reposition the corners of
the trapezoid."
     "As you command."
     "Hmph.  Personal Memoirs, supplemental.  My suspicions are
confirmed.  The Federation has supplied the Maquis with
interdimensional technology.  I am going to take us through.  If
we find ourselves in unclaimed space, I will track down and
destroy my Maquis prey.  If this gateway leads to Federation
space the appearance of a Galor-class warship will occasion a
great amount of richly deserved embarrassment."
     "The gateway has been widened, Gul Talac."
     "Then take us in!"
     "Complying."
     View of Gul Talac watching with interest as the ship passes
through the gateway.  We see his eye roll upward, his torso
undulate like a hula dancer's, and his body keel over with a
crash.
  

[Commercial: Labatt Maximum Ice]


     Ro, DRG, and Queen Victoria materialize aboard the Romulan
vessel.  The two women hold phaser rifles at the ready.  They've
compelled DRG to bring a hand phaser but he obviously isn't
thinking about it and in fact forgets it on a table within a
minute and a half.
     Shedlok: "Daddy!"
     Altlak: "You're just like Mommy said!"
     DRG: "You have your Great Aunt Cashier's hair."
     They look very pleased.
     DRG: "I gotta say you're not as stuffy as I would've
expected, being Romulans."
     Altlak: "Things are different from your time."
     Queen Victoria: "Like how?"
     Ro: "No!  Don't tell us!  We mustn't know!"
     The redheaded Romulans burst out laughing.
     Shedlok: "You're really from another age."
     Queen Victoria: "Fifty years aren't that long."
     Altlak: "But they're wide, if you understand me."
     Ro: "I don't."
     Shedlok: "Let's take a walk around the ship."
     Ro: "We really should be quarantined." 
     Altlak: "Come along."  She takes DRG by the hand and leads
him off.  Shedlok follows closely.  Ro and Queen Victoria
exchanged tightlipped looks and follow.
     In the corridor they bump into several distinctly unmilitary
Romulans.  Then they meet a Vulcan who bows and passes on.
     DRG: "Unification!"
     Shedlok, hurrying after his sister and father: "Yes. 
Twenty-five years ago.  Mother is a Sybokian."
     Ro: "Do you mean that the planet Vulcan has left the
Federation?"
     Altlak: "No!  The Federation and the Romulan Empire are
parts of a confederated Alpha Quadrant."
     DRG: "Of course!  Nineteen-century Canada!  The model of all
subsequent civilized societies!"
     Ro: "And the Cardassians?"
     "Them too."
     Ro and Queen Victoria: "What?!"
     They stop dead in their tracks.
     Ro: "It's a trick."
     Queen Victoria: "They're trying to sap our morale."
     Shedlok steps between them.  "You should try to get used to
it.  That's only the beginning."
     Ro: "What do you mean?"
     "Come in here."
     They enter a room.
     Ro: "A transporter room."
     Altlak: "Not quite."
     As they stand there a rectangle of light appears and a
strange figure with hair like a Christmas wreath steps through it
and past them.
     Queen Victoria: "What's he?"
     Shedrok: "A Kazon.  They live in the Delta Quadrant."
     DRG: "A gateway room!"
     Altlak: "Not just a gateway room."
     Another rectangle appears and a six-foot-tall bipedal
chipmunk steps through.
     DRG: "An interdimensional gateway room!"
     "There's more."
     Another rectangle appears and Mark Twain steps out, waves
his cigar in greeting, and walks past.
     "A temporal-interdimensional gateway room!"
     A Ferengi pushes past them into the room, and waits
impatiently for a moment until an identical Ferengi steps though
a gateway and greets him with a hug and a slap on the back.
     Ro: "Twins?"
     Shedlok: "No!  They're the same man, from two different
timelines."
     Ro looks beleaguered.
     DRG: "I get it!  All this comes from things in our own age! 
There's the interdimensional gateway Dad invented, the temporal
gateway I just built, there's already time travel anyway, with
the stellar slingshot effect, and the Guardian of Forever, and
the Atavachron and whatever, plus the wormhole superhighway, and
the Iconian gateways.  All barriers of time and space are
breaking down!"
     Altlak: "He's our Dad!"
     Shedlak: "There comes a point when borders no longer make
any sense.  If you can't keep your enemies out, you have to make
them your friends."
     Altlak: "Concurrently, the ability to enforce temporal
hygiene becomes more and more difficult as new ways of time
travel are discovered.  People realize that one timeline is as
real as another and that every possible outcome is being played
out somewhere or another."
     DRG: "Infinite diversity in infinite combination!"
     His kids: "Yeah!"
     Ro: "So history doesn't matter.  Three years of Maquis
struggle amount to nothing because somewhere sometime we win,
somewhere else some other time we lose."
     Shedlok: "That's right.  Political power has evaporated.  I
realize it's hard to accept."
     Queen Victoria puts her hands on her hips, looks around
crossly and says: "I've made up my mind about this place.  I'm
going to get into my ship, pilot back to our time, and then blow
that gateway to hell.  Are you with me?"
     Ro: "Yes."
     "You?"
     DRG: "I like it here!"
     "I'm your commander.  I say we go."
     "Aw!"
     Ro: "Come on.  Even you can't live without categories,
without beginnings and ends.  There's more to life than
curiosity."
     DRG: "Not much."
     Queen Victoria: "I'll tell you what.  I'm going back and I'm
going to shoot that T'Rul, and you can spend the rest of your
life wandering from timeline to timeline until you find these two
again.  If you live that long.  I assume you people are mortal."
     Altlak: "Personally, yes."
     Shedlok: "Yes, personally."
     "There you have it.  Are you with us or not?"
     DRG (to the kids): "Can't you do anything?"
     Shedlok: "That's a very old-fashioned way of looking at it."
     Altlak: "And against our religion.  You really ought to
handle it yourself."
     DRG: "I guess you're right.  Wait a minute.  If there's
infinite diversity in infinite combination, haven't you met me
before?"
     Altlak: "Not yet."
     Shedlok: "Infinity is a big place."
     DRG: "Well.  Give me a hug.  I'll have to go and deal with
your mother while the universe is still reasonably singular."
     He embraces them.
     *Captain.*
     "What is it?"
     *A Galor-class warship has come through the gateway.*
     "Beam us out of here and power up all weapons."
     DRG: "Gotta scram."
     The three Maquis dematerialize.
     Altlak (smiling and wiping away a tear): "No-one says
'scram' anymore."


[Commercial: Labatt Select]


     Queen Victoria charges onto her bridge with Ro close behind.
     "Where's the Cardassian?"
     Nigel: "Sitting dead in space."
     "Cataleptic."
     "We can blow them to hell."
     "I've got a better idea.  Lay in an automated programme."
     Shot of the Humuhumunukunukuapua'a circling around the
Cardassian and coming to a halt.  The Maquis fires a single shot
at the Cardassian, then reverses through the temporal gateway,
comes up short, and blows away the four asteroids containing the
catalepton trapezoid.
     The Cardassian bridge.  The scene rocks from the impact of
the Maquis shot.  Gul Talac comes to with a start and sits up. 
He looks around, disoriented, then shakes a prostrate Glin beside
him.
     "What time is it?"
     Cut to the bridge of the Humuhumunukunukuapua'a.  Queen
Victoria comes to in her command chair, blinks, and rolls her
head.  Then she remembers where she is and activates the
viewscreen.  Tiny chunks of debris rotate this way and that where
the temporal gateway once hung.
     Ro: "So much for assassinating Admiral Nechayev."
     "Hmph.  Next time."


     The Maquis saloon.  The Kilometres Davis Collective have
evolved to a new riff which they have been repeating once every
1.7 seconds for the past twenty hours.  Door Repair Guy comes in
and looks around.  He notices the table reserved by Chatokay's
crew is full.  He makes eye contact with Suter.  Suter narrows
his eyes and gives him an "I'd like to kill you" look.  Yeah,
yeah, thinks DRG as he searches the room for T'Rul.  He spots her
seated in the far corner booth and makes his way over.
     "We need to talk," he declares as he puts his hands on the
tabletop.
     Seska and Chatokay look up.
     Chatokay: "About what?"
     "Oh.  Gee.  Um.  I sure wish I'd got to serve on your ship. 
Humuhumunukunukuapua'a's great, but yours is best."
     "I'm glad you feel that way.  Maybe soon."
     "Great.  Maybe soon."
     He retreats, embarrassed, watching a smile grow on Seska's
face.
     He sits down next to Murdoch, the half-Scottish half-Benzite
engineer.
     "Hey, long time no see."
     "Aye."
     "So where's that T'Rul?"
     "Oh ho!  Funny you should ask!  Turns out she's no Vulcan
after all, but a Romulan.  I kent it all alang.  As soon as we
made port the word got oot.  She made her escape by the skin of
her teeth.  Pushed one of yon Maori fellas oot an airlock and
made off wi a shuttlecraft.  I fancy it'll be a wee while afore
we see Miss T'Rul again.  Good riddance all the same.  A bad lot. 
What'll ye hae?"
     "Oh.  Some Labatt product, I guess."
     Close-up of DRG submerged in thought, drinking a Maximum Ice
from the bottle and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.


     Starfleet Headquarters, San Francisco.  A blustery morning. 
Admirals Nechayev and Nakamura are crossing the busy plaza,
briefcases in hand.
     Nakamura: "That's one bulging portfolio, Admiral."
     Nechayev: "Tholian Treaty, article 951, subsection (z),
fourteenth rewrite.  I figure if I live to be 150 I can just get
this agreement pulled off."
     "It'll be a coup."
     "Nothing that takes this much proofreading can be
characterized as a coup."
     They walk by.  A five-year-old strolls into the shot with a
balloon, an evil smile, and a pointed object.
     Bang!
     Nakamura tackles Nechayev and climbs all over her searching
the crowd for the shooter and yelling into his commbadge for
back-up.  His eyes fall on the kid wearing the pieces of red
balloon.  He helps Nechayev to her feet while the security guards
converge.
     She brushes herself off, gives him a severe look, and 
begins to stuff her emptied briefcase with handfuls of the
Tholian Treaty while he and the Starfleet Security personnel dash
and stomp in an expanding fan configuation gathering up the
errant sheets in the windy San Francisco morning.


------------
Written by Douglas A. McLeod, ai919@freenet.carleton.ca
------------

Episode 50 — Humuhumunukunukuapua’a

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