Two Clues

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Episode 39 — Two Clues

     Exterior tracking shot of Deep Space Nine.  Cut to Major
Kira's quarters.  Kira, Dax, Bashir and Odo are seated around a
card table.  The camera moves in.  Everyone is watching Odo
expectantly.  He smiles and nods with satisfaction.
     "Ah-ha.  Just as I suspected.  Colonel Mustard in the
conservatory with the revolver."
     Collective exhalation as everyone concedes victory.
     Kira: "I don't know how you do it, Odo."
     Odo: "I do.  Years of experience in the practice of criminal
     Bashir: "Or blind luck."
     Odo: "Justice is blind, Doctor.  Luck is cross-eyed."
     Dax picks up the yellow piece, holds it in front of her
crossed eyes, and says: "You shall hang for this, Mustard."
     A moment's silence as they look at her, wondering which
personality that came from.  She shrugs and twinkles.
     Bashir: "Odo, are you telling us you never failed to solve a
case?  What about that Cardassian, Borot?"
     "That is an ongoing investigation."
     "But not an on-getting investigation.  I'll tell you what I
think about Borot.  He was murdered to keep him quiet about a
ring of smugglers operating on this station during the
Occupation.  Somebody poisoned him with arsenic-laden yamok
sauce, and hid the body in a service conduit, and when you
brought these facts to the attention of the Cardassian
authorities some high-placed individual fingered Gul Ducat's
former personal chef Nufrek, who was speedily tried and executed,
thus protecting the true felon."
     Dax: "And you think the real villain was Ducat."
     Bashir: "It makes eminent good sense."
     Dax: "But if Ducat is behind it, why didn't he retrieve the
Orb we found hidden in the service conduits?  Surely of all the
contraband to come through here during the war, the Orb was the
singlemost valuable item.  Ducat wouldn't have just abandoned it,
and he had ample opportunity to get it off the station even after
the Cardassians evacuated -- assuming he knew it was here."
     Kira: "Don't tell me you think he didn't!  He had control
over every living thing on this station!  The only people he was
answerable to were in the Central Command!  Hold on a minute! 
Suppose Ducat *wasn't* the top man in the operation!  Maybe the
Orb was too hot to handle and he had *orders* to leave it behind! 
It all makes such sense!  This could go right to the top of the
Cardassian chain of command!"
     Bashir: "A grand conspiracy?  More probably Ducat was
double-crossing his superiors, and it was too dangerous for him
to be connected to the Orb, which I'll just bet was stolen, not
only from the Bajorans, but from the Cardassian authorities as
well.  I'm certain we're looking at a nest of black market war
profiteers headed by Ducat."
     Dax: "But didn't the physical evidence place Borot in the
service conduit well before the Cardassian evacuation?  If he and
the Orb are connected, you have to face the possibility that
knowledge of the Orb died with him.  I can't see the Cardassian
government *not* wanting to get a Bajoran Orb to Cardassia as
soon as they knew it was here, and black marketeers would have
moved it out as soon as they could too.  Besides, you can't prove
a conspiracy theory, grand or otherwise, if Ducat has already
covered his tracks.  How can you hope to touch his superiors if
you can't touch him?"
     Odo (standing): "Justice can touch anyone.  Allow me to
thank you all for your insightful analyses.  Now if you'll excuse
me, I have to see whether my guests in Security have been fed and
     He leaves.
     Dax: "Do you think we annoyed him?"
     Kira: "No."
     Bashir: "No."
     Cut to Odo stomping along a corridor.
     "Hmph.  Amateurs."

     An icy asteroid rolls by, spewing cometary material.
     "Crawlspace.  The final frontier.  These are the voyages of
The Door Repair Guy.  His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
gone before."
     Deep Space Nine space station drifts into view.  A runabout
shoots past, revealing the words:

               Star Trek: Door Repair Guy


                    Door Repair Guy as

                    Avery Brooks as
                         Commander Sisko

                    Rene Auberjonois as

                    Siddig El Fadil as
                         Doctor Bashir

                    Terry Farrell as
                         Lieutenant Dax

                    Colm Meany as
                         Chief O'Brien

                    Armin Shimerman as

                    Cirroc Lofton as
                         Jake Sisko

                    Nana Visitor as
                         Major Kira

     The FTL pipeline undergoes a quantam polarity reversal while
the concomittant ring singularity displays a sync shift of 4764
microcochranes in consequence of which the terminal verteron
membrane dilates polychronously and a spaceship flies out.

     "FM77, all the hits of 1977, all the time!  Great hits like
'You Make Me Feel Like Dancing', 'Undercover Angel', and 'Anarchy
in the UK'!  The kind of music *you* want to here.  FM77.  It's a
great demographic!(tm)"]

     The Sisko residence.  Jake is slouched in an armchair
holding a computer pad in two hands and typing rapidly with his
thumbs.  He finishes his paragraph, takes a deep breath, pages
back to the beginning and reads what he wrote.
     "That's no good."
     He deletes a sentence and reads on.
     "Oh man, I used that word three times."
     He deletes again.
     "Oh, no, wait a minute.  She wouldn't say that."
     "What did I say back there?"  (Pause.)  "Man, I deleted it!"
     He makes a face, and throws the pad on the couch beside him.
     "I gotta stop deleting so much."
     His eyes fall on the replicator.  He jumps up and goes over.
     "Ah.  Computer.  I want a pencil.  And some paper."
     *Please specify lead type.*
     "I don't want a lead pencil, I want a wooden pencil, like
they used to make.  You know, yellow, with an eraser on the end. 
No lead."
     A pencil materializes, yellow, with an eraser on the end,
and no lead.  A pad of yellow paper also appears.
     He picks them up and inspects them with pleasure.
     "I think the paper's supposed to have lines on it."
     A pad of yellow paper with vertical lines appears.  He turns
it around and puts it under his arm.  He gives the pencil a good
     "It's supposed to have a carbon core isn't it?"
     *Please specify carbon core type.*
     "Ah, what are the choices?"
     *HB, 2B, 3B, 4B, 5B, 6B, -- *
     "Computer!  2B."
     A 2B pencil appears.  He picks it up.
     "2B or not 2B."  He grins at his own erudition.
     "And a pencil sharpener."
     A crank-type pencil sharpener appears.
     Cut to Jake, back in the chair, trying to hold down the
pencil sharpener, hold in the pencil, and turn the crank, using
only two hands.
     "I think this thing has to be bolted down."
     Dissolve to Jake leaning over the table with his tongue
stuck out the corner of his mouth, scribbling furiously on the
yellow pad with the 2B pencil.  Scrunched-up sheets of paper lie
everywhere.  Beside him is the pencil sharpener bolted to the
side of the table.  Benjamin enters.  He's about to say
something, but sees Jake hard at work and starts to move as
quietly as he can to the next room.  His curiosity gets the
better of him however and he drifts back, craning to see over
Jake's shoulder.  Jake, sensing his presence but in the middle of
a thought, shifts around so Benjamin can't see.  Benjamin dodges
the other way and Jake makes an exasperated face and moves again. 
Benjamin puts his hands on Jake's shoulders and leans past him to
     "Oh, come on, Jake!  Don't you know your old man's curious
about his son's writing career?"
     "I won't have one if I don't get some privacy."
     Benjamin puts Jake in a headlock and affectionately rubs his
knuckles on his scalp.  He releases him and thinks.
     "You could borrow one of the rooms in the unused Habitat
levels.  You'd get plenty of peace and quiet there.  I'll get
Major Kira to assign you one."
     Cut to Jake moving down an unused corridor with his yellow
pad, a handful of pencils, and his pencil sharpener.  He comes to
a door.  He checks the room number against the number on his pad
and presses the door control.  It makes a "please enter access
code" bleep.  He checks his pad again and enters the number into
the control.  The door opens.  He enters.
     "Computer.  Lights."
     They come up dimly.
     "Cardassian.  Computer, human light level."
     *Please imput environmental default reset code.*
     "Man, I don't know it.  Forget it for now, computer."
     He crosses the empty room to the window.  In the distance
the Wormhole opens, admits a tiny speck, and closes again.
     "Wow!  Great view!"
     He looks around the room, pleased with his new studio.
     "I'll have to get a desk.  And a chair."
     He goes to the wall and begins to bolt his pencil sharpener
to a metal protrusion.  It's a bit of a struggle.  All at once
the piece of wall comes away in his hands.  He looks at it in his
hands, then into the hole in the wall.
     Shot of the heap of ingots.

     "New PUMP-FM!  We only play *your* favorite band.  And only
*their* best album!"
     Play-out: "Love in an elevator /wonderment/annex-for-creative-arts/star-trek-door-repair-guy/stdrg-s03 /wonderment/annex-for-creative-arts/star-trek-door-repair-guy/stdrg-s03"]

     Ops.  Kira looks up from her console.
     "A Bajoran vessel has just entered the Wormhole."
     Dax: "That's unusual.  There's hardly been any Bajoran
traffic through the Wormhole since the destruction of New Bajor
by the Dominion."
     "I wonder what they're doing."
     Dax: "There's an incoming message from Bajor."
     "On screen."
     We see an officer of the Bajoran Defence Force.
     *Major Kira.  A Defence Force fighter has been stolen and is
headed toward the Wormhole.  You must intercept it.*
     "I'm sorry, General.  It's already gone through."
     *Then the crew is doomed.  The Jem'Hadar will see to that.*
     "There's still time to send out a runabout and bring them
     *It's just as well.*
     "Just as well?  Shouldn't we at least try to rescue them?"
     *Major.  This is not the first such incident.  Members of
the Circle have attempted this several times in the past month. 
So far we have managed to stop them inside the Bajoran system. 
These ones got the jump on us.*
     "I don't get it.  What are they up to?"
     *We don't know.  Please institute a standard sweep for
Bajoran vessels approaching the Wormhole and place any you find
under arrest.  As of this moment all Bajoran traffic through the
Wormhole is forbidden by order of the Provisional Government.*
     The transmission ends.
     Kira: "Don't know, or won't say."
     Dax: "Our communications relay on the other side is still
operational.  Maybe we can use it to make contact with the
Bajoran vessel."
     "Try it."
     Dax plays the controls.
     "I have visual contact."
     "On screen."
     We get a static-laden image of the interior of the fighter. 
The pilot and navigator are shouting.
     *Three more to starboard!*
     The scene rocks.
     *Shields down!*
     *I have to -- !*
     The console in front of the pilot explodes, killing him.  We
see the navigator twist around toward the navigational control,
then fix his stare at a monitor there.  We can almost read the
approaching torpedoes in his look.  In the last instant he
     *The true Kai!*
     The scene explodes and ends.
     Kira steps toward the screen, shaken, realization dawning.
     "The true Kai!"

     "New CLUB-FM, the first members-only radio station.  If
you're not jammin' with us, we're jammin' you."]

     Security.  Odo is at his desk.  The doors slide open and
admit Quark.
     Quark: "I heard young Sisko found some latinum."
     "That's right."
     "It's mine."
     "It's yours?"
     "Yes, that's right.  It's mine."
     "I didn't see your picture on it.  How do you know it's
     "By process of elimination.  The latinum was hidden in that
wall during the Cardassian regime.  Am I right?"
     "It appears that way."
     "Who was here then who's here now?"
     "There was me, you, and your brother Rom."
     "Does the latinum belong to you?"
     "If it belongs to Rom, it falls to me.  He owes me money. 
That leaves me.  It must be mine."
     "Impeccable thinking, Quark.  Tell me, if it's yours, will
you be willing to answer the criminal charges pending against the
     "Criminal charges?"
     "It turns out the suite in which the latinum was found was
once the residence of chef Nufrek, a convicted murderer and
suspected black marketeer.  There is strong evidence that that
money was used to purchase the Orb later found in the service
conduits.  Under Bajoran law, the purchase of stolen religious
property is a serious offense."
     "How serious?"
     "They're always looking for field labourers in the farmland
reclamation project."
     "You won't find my fingerprints on that money!  Black
marketeering!  Who ever heard of such a thing?  I'm an honest
businessman doing an honest day's work!  In fact, I've got no
time to stand around here and indulge you in your fishing
expeditions.  Goodbye!"
     The doors close behind him.
     Odo smiles and nods his head.

     "Hey, back to Door Repair Guy in a minute, but first we're
here at Cape Canaveral, Florida, and you can see it just behind
me, that's the Space Shuttle Atlantis, and you may have heard
that NASA is going to privatize the space shuttle program, and
guess who's going to buy the Space Shuttle Atlantis?  You guessed
it!  Baton Broadcasting!  And of course CHRO is a member of the
Baton Broadcasting family!  So pretty soon you're going to see
the word NASA painted out and the BBS logo painted on there, and
I'll bet you're wondering how is this going to affect your
television viewing?  Well let me tell you it'll be just . . .
well, I'll tell ya, whoa boy.  Because once a month for eight
days a month we'll be broadcasting *live* from orbit!  That's
right, CHRO and all the other BBS affiliates will receive live
broadcasts -- direct from orbit!  Our set guy is already working
on the studio module that'll fit right into the cargo bay . . .
right here . . . boy, it's tough holding this mike and this model
at the same time.  Here, can you hold th /wonderment/annex-for-creative-arts/star-trek-door-repair-guy/stdrg-s03 /wonderment/annex-for-creative-arts/star-trek-door-repair-guy/stdrg-s03 /wonderment/annex-for-creative-arts/star-trek-door-repair-guy/stdrg-s03 [rumple] /wonderment/annex-for-creative-arts/star-trek-door-repair-guy/stdrg-s03
. . . closer, that's good, just like that, and anyway, as you can
see, this remote manipulator arm, the Canadarm, makes a great
sound boom.  So no more clip-on mikes!  Isn't science wonderful? 
And anyway, who do you think is slated for the first mission? 
Can you guess?  It's not Ian Black.  No, not J.J. Clark."  He
waits.  "No, it's not Peter Van Dusen."  He stands waiting.  We
see the camera guy's fingers count off four, three, two.  Grumpy:
"Back to Door Repair Guy after this."]

     "So many radio stations seem to be programmed for people
drinking coffee.  Now there's BEER-FM.  When you wanna shout
WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! -- it's BEER."]

     Sisko's office.  We see him studying his computer screen
with close attention and gathering forehead musculature.  The
door chimes.  He shuts off the computer display and says, "Come
     Major Kira enters.
     "Benjamin, there's something developing on Bajor you should
know about."
     "What is it, Major?"
     "Rumours are spreading that Kai Opaka is still alive. 
Several members of the Circle have tried to get through the
Wormhole to make contact with her.  So far as we know they have
all either been intercepted by the Bajoran Defence Force or blown
up by the Jem'Hadar.  I don't get how this story got out.  Only
you, I, and Doctor Bashir knew the truth about the Kai."
     "This may enlighten you."  He retrieves the file he was
reading and turns the screen toward her.
     Kira scans it.  "A top Starfleet intelligence officer in
charge of Bajoran affairs has defected to the Maquis!  I guess
that would explain it.  She must have read your report to
     "I take it this will have a destabilising effect."
     "I would call that an understatement.  I think we're looking
at wholesale religious war."
     "Just what everybody needs."
     Dax: *Transmission from Kai Winn, Benjamin.*
     "Here we go.  Put it through, Dax."
     Kai Winn appears on the computer screen.
     *Emissary.  How good of you to take my call so quickly. 
Kira, child, what a pleasant surprise.  I hope I find you both in
spiritual health?*
     Sisko: "As well as can be expected, Kai Winn.  To what can
we credit your call?"
     *Oh, Emissary, would that it were simple fellowship.  How I
value our talks together.  But, sadly, the forces of evil are at
work once again on the minds of our poor beleaguered people.  Not
only must we religious leaders struggle against the pernicious
brutalizing legacy of the Cardassian occupation, not to mention
the irreligious influence of interplanetary scientific humanism
and relativistic philosophies, but now we have the new spectre of
schismatic doctrine within our own dear religion.  Formerly
worthy followers have begun to question the authority of the
office of the Kai and to circulate the heinous untruth that our
sainted Kai Opaka is not only alive, but preparing to return to
Bajor and assume the government of the planet.  How could such a
story have gained currency?  Everybody knows the Kai left this
life and joined the Prophets in the Celestial Temple when she was
travelling in your care.  Isn't that true?*
     Kira and Sisko make no move toward answering.
     *I said, isn't that true?*
     Sisko: "No, Kai Winn, it isn't true."
     Kai Winn presses her hand to her breast in apparent shock.
     *Child, is what the Emissary tells me true?  Have I been the
victim of a deception?*
     "That's correct.  You were misled."
     *Emissary, how have I offended you that you should take such
an ungenerous attitude toward the Bajoran people?*
     "Kai Winn, we were respecting the wishes of Kai Opaka.  She
didn't want others to follow her into danger."
     *Well, we have danger now, don't we?  Danger that millions
of Bajorans will fall into the error of disobedience.  Far be it
from me to criticize the Prophets' chosen one, but I'm truly
sorry you weren't able to keep your little secret.  I wonder what
sort of bad advice you've been receiving, Emissary.  I sometimes
wonder why there is no Vedek resident on a Bajoran station.  Kira
Nerys, how many people will suffer because of this lapse of
     Kira shows some reluctance in answering.
     *I asked you how many?*
     "I don't know the answer, Kai Winn."
     *You don't know.  Then perhaps next time you'll think.  Kai
Winn out.*
     Kira exhales.  They glance at each other.
     Sisko: "I'm sure I had her in Grade Three.  Please put the
Defiant on alert status.  It looks like we'll be making a trip
into the Gamma Quadrant."     

     "Tune your radio to AM 590: Happy Radio.  Optimistic-only
programming for work and play.  Why get sad when you can get
Happy? (tm)"] 

     Camera moves in on Odo in his office.  He is addressing his
communications screen.
     "Thank you for taking my call, Glinn Alcol."
     *We are instructed to co-operate in whatever way we can with
our new Bajoran friends.  How can I help you?*
     "I require access to certain records accumulated during the
occupation of Bajor."
     *Surely you must know those records were transferred to the
Provisional Government under the terms of the peace treaty.*
     "I am aware of that.  I am also aware that a Cardassian
would rather part with his life than his documents.  I'm sure you
kept a copy of everything.  I would not be bothering you, but
this is a matter that requires a certain measure of discretion. 
I find it expedient to go around the Bajorans in this matter."
     *I appreciate the sentiment.  I will agree to assist you, as
long as you undertake to protect the confidentiality of your
     *Now, what is it you would like to know?*
     "I am transmitting a fingerprint to you now.  Whose is it?"
     We see the Cardassian turn and tap at a computer control. 
His eyes widen ever so slightly.  He turns to the screen.
     *Your request has produced a positive identification.  I am
relaying it to you now.*
     We watch Odo's face as the answer appears on his screen.
     "This is more than I anticipated.  Thank you for your
assistance.  Odo out."
     A clanking wheeze is heard.  The Security office doors open
and Borg implant specialist Not Fragile steps over the threshold
carrying a large tool box.
     "Not Fragile to see Door Repair Guy."
     Odo (advancing from the communications screen): "For what
     "His regular tune-up."
     "I'm afraid that's out of the question.  The prisoner is
under maximum security confinement facing a variety of charges
ranging from noise bylaw violation to tampering with the space-
time continuum.  No visitors."
     The Borg steps forward and places the tool box on Odo's
     "Constable, you fail to appreciate the true importance of
your prisoner.  He is the first of what I would call a new model
of Federation citizen.  Practically everything we've learned
about elective recreational cybernetic implant surgery we've
learned from that man.  He is a prototype, a test model.  Which
is to say that any one of his components could blow out at any
time.  From what I've heard he has been putting his systems under
stresses totally unplanned for in the design specifications. 
Now, if I were Doctor Bashir and I came in here worried about the
health of one of your prisoners you'd usher me right in.  How is
this any different?  How do you propose to explain it to
Starfleet Security when you go in there tomorrow morning and find
him dead on the floor?"
     "GRrrrrrr.  If you put it that way.  But the file stays
     Not Fragile pauses, opens his tool box, removes a large rasp
file, and drops it on the desk.
     Odo: "If you'll follow me."

     "I work underwater. When I'm on a job I like to take along
my waterproof FM radio.  But music doesn't sound the same in a
liquid medium.  All my favorite songs sound weird.  Isn't there a
radio station that plays songs *I* like, in a way that lets me
enjoy them while *I* work?"
     "Now there is!  FM-WET, the new underwater music source. 
FM-WET.  Water, water everywhere, and great tunes too! (tm)"]

     Odo and Not Fragile enter the holding area.  Paving
Contractor leaps to his feet in one cell and begins to harangue
them, but the white noise filter is on.  He is quite expressive
in body language though.
     Odo steps to the control console and deactivates the force
field to the other cell.  The force field shimmers and
disappears.  Door Repair Guy blinks, sits up and yawns.
     Not Fragile: "You'll have to switch off the transporter
damping field too.  I can't examine his personal transporter
     Odo growls and turns it off.
     DRG: "So where's your lovely assistant Madeline?  I thought
you two were a pair.  You know, sort of a John and Yoko thing
going on there."
     Odo: "It's a trick!"
     He reaches for the damping control but Not Fragile and Door
Repair Guy disappear in a Dominion transporter effect.
     Odo: "Gah!"
     He hits his commbadge.
     "Odo to Sisko.  The Dominion has just kidnapped Door Repair
     Cut to Sisko hurrying along a corridor toward the Defiant.
He slows at the news, blinks, speeds up, stops, puts one hand on
his hip and scratches the nape of his neck.
     DRG and Not Fragile materialize inside an alien vessel.  Not
Fragile looks at Door Repair Guy and transmogrifies into the
spokeswoman of the Founders.
     "You're not Not Fragile!" 
     "But that doesn't mean I'm fragile either."
     And she knocks him out with a mallet where her hand ought to

Written by Douglas A. McLeod,

Episode 39 — Two Clues

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