Deus Ex Machina

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Episode 36 — Deus Ex Machina

     Space.  The Defiant shoots past, rolling to avoid a stream
of phaser fire emanating from one of two pursuing Jem'Hadar
vessels.  Cut to the bridge.
     Dax at helm: "That was close.  I'm running out of evasive
tactics.  I'm open to suggestions."
     Odo: "Just think of Doctor Bashir.  That should refresh your
     Sisko: "Odo."
     Admiral Nechayev: "Prepare to execute the Nechayev
Manoeuvre.  You'll find it preprogrammed into the navigational
computer.  On my mark."  She leans toward Sisko.  "You can be
sure they've never seen this one before."
     Odo: "Do you intend to alienate them all via official
subspace channel?"
     Sisko: "Odo, please."
     Nechayev turns back toward the viewscreen, a small, dark
plume of smoke rising from the crown of her head.
     "Helm.  Initiate."
     The Defiant decelerates suddenly, flips 180 degrees, heads
directly toward the lead pursuer, allowing the Jem'Hadar weapons
the briefest time possible to lock on, veers away at the last
instant, and, just in the moment when the two Jem'Hadar and the
Defiant describe a straight line, accelerates to warp nine,
causing the two Jem'Hadar to fire on one another, disabling them
     Nechayev: "You were saying?"
     Sisko (coming around between the viewscreen and the helm
console): "Well done, Admiral.  Dax, perhaps you'd better scan
for Gowron's ship."
     Dax: "I have a fix on it."
     Nechayev: "Intercept, top speed."
     Dax: "ETA fourteen minutes."
     Nechayev: "I'll be in my quarters."  She leaves.
     Dax (leaning forward and whispering): "Captain Sulu used
that move more than eighty years ago."
     Sisko: "All the best ones come out of his logs.  As they
say, 'Good commanders borrow, admirals rename.'"
     Odo: "Or as Quark might put it, 'Time heals all copyright
     Sisko (the muscles in his forehead bunching visibly): "Which
side of the bucket did you wake up in this morning, anyway?"
     View of the Defiant shooting off on its new heading.

     The hold of the Klingon K'Vort-class Bird of Prey.  The
rectangular shape of the percheron-powered interdimensional
gateway gives off a ghostly pale glow in the dark, empty space. 
(It's really Stage 18 at Paramount.)  A hand reaches out of the
gateway, followed quickly by the rest of a Klingon -- Duras!  His
sister Marguerite follows closely.
     Duras stands there admiring his limbs and torso, amazed at
this resurrection.
     "porgh vIghaj.  'ach Sub'a'."  ["I have a body.  But is it
     Marguerite delivers a right cross, knocking his head
sideways.  He smiles, further splitting the lip.
     Marguerite: "Dujvam wIghaj.  nuH chuqDaq ghaHtaH Gowron'e'. 
pIHbe'.  wIQawlaH."  ["We have this ship.  Gowron is within
weapons range.  He suspects nothing.  We can destroy him."]
     Duras: "yIghoS."  ["Proceed!"]
     They exit.  For a moment the stage is empty.  Then a swirl
of light appears on the deck.  It grows, sending out beams, as if
a crack is opening in the floor, and suddenly the figure of the
Door Fek'lhr shoots upward with a howl.  The Fek'lhr opens and
closes its clawed hands, rolling its head and snapping its
slathering jaws.
     "lughHa' vay'.  lojmItvam.  mubHa' 'oH.  bortaSwIj vIneH." 
["Something is wrong.  This door!  It is illegal!  I will have my
     The Door Fek'lhr grabs the doorframe and plunges into the
rectangle of light.  The camera swings around the doorframe as
the Fek'lhr goes through and in a skilful wipe we see the
creature step out into the Dark Forest in the same motion.  The
Fek'lhr looks around, tasting the air.
     "lojmIt tI'wI' 'Iw vIlargh."  ["I smell the blood of a door
     The Door Fek'lhr moves off into the forest.

     We approach a planetary system.  The great bulk of a gaseous
giant fills the upper half of the screen.  A jagged asteroid
rolls by, revealing the words:

               Star Trek: Door Repair Guy

     A tiny companion moon tumbles after, revealing the word:


     We close in on a planetoid, and as the mottled surface
speeds across the screen we read:

                    Door Repair Guy as

                    Avery Brooks as
                    Commander Benjamin Sisko

                    Rene Auberjonois as

                    Terry Farrell as
                    Lieutenant Jadzia Dax

                    Nana Visitor as
                         Major Kira

                    Colm Meaney as

                    Armin Shimerman as

                    Cirroc Lofton as
                         Jake Sisko

                    Robert O'Reilly as

                    Sara Gilbert as
                    Marguerite Duras

                    Kevin Conway as
                    Emperor Kahless

                    Robert Herron as
                    Kahless the Unforgettable

                    Natalia Nogulich as
                    Admiral Nechayev

                    Salome Jens as
                         the Founder

                    Dennis Christopher as

     We crash.  What?  We passed right through that planet!  It
must be some kind of holographic projection!  Talk about luck! 
Eh?  What do you mean the stars are coming up fast?  I never
heard of anything so ridiculous!  Do you think we somehow got
inside of some kind of enormous Dyson sphere planetarium or
something and are about to impact on the curved interior surface? 
Do you seriously expect me to believe--

[Commercial: Batman Forever/McDonald's]

     The gleaming surface of the Great Link swells and rises into
the form of the spokeswoman of the Founders.  She fixes her gaze
on the newly arrived Borath.
     "They gave you the shake, didn't they?"
     "Si, donna.  Our ships were needed to subdue the Klingon
vessel.  When there were too few remaining the Defiant fled."
     "Where is it now?"
     "It goes to join the vessels at the gateway."
     "This has been a valuable learning experience.  Next time we
shall not underestimate the Klingons.  We also have a better idea
of the state of Federation's interdimensionality.  And we know
that Odo is amenable to further contact.  It is time to bring the
action to a close.  Shortly you will have enough ships to make
them all cut and run for the Alpha Quadrant.  Oh, here.  Deliver
that, would you?"
     Borath takes the postcard and the spokeswoman melts back
into the Great Link.  He reads and sighs.
     He twists the card in his hands and sings:

               Quanto e bella, quanto e cara!
               Piu la vedo e piu mi piace,
               ma in quel cor non son capace
                    lieve affetto ad inspiar.

     The two Kahlesses walk together through the fields of Sto-
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "ghaH DaHoHbe' 'ej woQDaj
DaboSbe'.  qatlh."  ["Why do you not simply kill him and take
power for yourself?"]
     Emperor Kahless: "bov Huj.  wo' vIbuSnIS.  ngoch luSIgh
novpu'.  chaH vIyajbe'.  ["Strange times.  I must think of the
Empire.  Aliens influence policy.  I don't understand them."]
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "teH 'oH.  novpu' Da tlhInganpu'
Qup.  SeyqSpIyr.  nuq."  ["It is true.  Young Klingons imitate
foreign ways.  Shakespeare.  What's that all about?"]
     The Emperor prudently develops temporary deafness, choosing
instead to embroider his last point:
     "motlhbe'.  tera'nganpu'.  romuluSnganpu'."  ["They are
unusual.  Humans.  Romulans."]
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "qaqeS.  He yIleH.  chut yIHub. 
ghawron yIngaq.  lujchugh ghaH vaj ghaH yItam.  voDleHvo' ghoS
woQDaj 'e' yIghojmoH.  qorDu' yIchenmoH."  ["I'll tell you what. 
Stay the course.  Maintien le droit.  Support Gowron.  If he
fails, replace him.  Make him understand that his power comes
from the Emperor.  Have heirs."]
     Emperor Kahless: "voDleH qorDu'.  qeSlIj QaQ.  vIlob."  ["A
royal family.  Your advice is good.  I will obey it."]
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "yIlegh."  ["Look."]
     They turn and look across the valley.  In the distance
there's a disturbance of some kind.  Something is moving rapidly
through the crowd, throwing Klingons into the air as it
approaches.  They stand and watch as the phenomenon veers this
way and that and finally heads straight in their direction.  The
Door Fek'lhr charges up to them.
     Fek'lhr: "qatu'.  Seng.  Dud 'u'mey.  chegh SuvwI'pu'.  mIS
Hoch."  ["There you are.  Trouble.  Universes overlap.  Warriors
return.  Everything is confused."]
     Emperor Kahless: "DuraS.  ghaH cheghta' be'nI'Daj. 
mulo'ta'."  ["Duras!  His sister has brought him back!  She has
used me!"]
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "bIngoy'."  ["You are
     Emperor Kahless: "vItI'."  ["I'll fix it/him/her."]
     He heads off into the crowd.
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "cheghta'DI' DuraS vaj lojmIt
yIQaw'."  ["When Duras has returned, destroy the gateway."]
     Fek'lhr: "chaq.  DaH lojmIt tI'wI' ghotvetlh vItu'nIS." 
["Maybe.  Right now I have to find that Door Repair Guy."]
     The creature heads off.
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "'ej DaH jIvangnIS."  ["And right
now I have something to do."]
     He starts off through the crowd.

[Commercial: Congo/Taco Bell]

     Door Repair Guy and a crowd of fans move through the great
tournament that is Sto-Vo-Kor.
     "SeyqSpIyr," asks one wide-eyed Klingon, "QIStover marlo'
DaHegh'a'.  vaj qatlh."  ["Shakespeare, did you kill Christopher
Marlowe?  If so, why?"]
     DRG: "'oH poQ ghaH."  ["He asked for it."]
     Fan: "mInDaq DaDuQ'a'."  ["You stabbed him in the eye?"]
     DRG: "qabwIj berghmoH ghaH."  ["He was in my face."]
     Second fan: "qablIj berghmoH SoH.  Ha ha ha ha ha."  ["You
got in his face!  Ha ha ha ha ha!!"]
     Third fan: "pelegh."  ["Look."]
     A tornado-phenomenon veers this way and that across the
plain, throwing dust and Klingons skyward as it goes.  It swings
downwind of the observers, hovers, and then heads straight for
them.  The Door Fek'lhr comes to a sudden screeching halt and
covers them all with dust and spit as it gestures at Door Repair
Guy and exclaims:
     Door Fek'lhr: "jIpum."  ["J'accuse!"]
     DRG: "va.  Seng."  ["Oh, oh.  Trouble."]
     First fan: "qatlh SeyqSpIyr pum veqlargh."  ["Why does the
Fek'lhr accuse Shakespeare?"]
     Door Fek'lhr: "nepwI' ghaH.  pongvetlh ghajbe' ghaH.  ["He
is a liar!  He does not own that name!"]
     Second fan: "vranSiS bey'qon SoH'a'."  ["You are Francis
     Door Fek'hlr: "lojmIt tI'wI' ghot 'oH pongDaj'e'.  chamwI'
ghaH.  ghaH naDHa'ta' lojmItHuSwI'pu'.  ghe''orDaq vInge'." 
["His name is Door Repair Guy.  A technician.  The doorhangers
have discommended him.  I will take him to the dwelling place of
the dishonoured."]
     The Klingons take a collective backward step at this news.
     Third fan: "petaQ."  ["Scurvy knave."]
     DRG: "Samej."  ["I leave you."]  [_All's Well That End's
Well_, Act II, scene iii, lines 263-64.]  (Scrams.)
     First fan: "SeyqSpIyrDaj Sov ghaH."  ["He knows his
     Second fan: "SeyqSpIyrchaj luSov tera'nganpu' law'."  ["Many
Humans know their Shakespeare."]
     Third fan: "'ach chaH DISuvrup maH."  ["But we are prepared
to fight them."]
     First fan: "vaj ghaH wISuvrup maH."  ["Then we are prepared
to fight him."]
     Second fan: "jIQochbe'."  ["I agree."]
     Third: "Ha'."  ["Come on."]
     They chase after Door Repair Guy, leaving the Door Fek'lhr
shaking its head in disbelief.
     "HeHchaj luchIlchu' ghotpu'vetlh."  ["Those guys are
definitely losing their edge."]

[Commercial: Levi's/Braveheart]

     A corridor in the Durases' K'Vort-class Bird of Prey.  A
Klingon technician clanks along the grillwork walkway and
activates the pressure door to the next section.  The door hisses
open to reveal Marguerite and Duras.  Duras steps forward,
pushing the astonished crewman aside as he goes.  The two
siblings pass by, activate the door at the far end of the
corridor and step through, pausing momentarily to look back and
smirk at the amazement of the Klingon.  The door closes.  The
technician puts his hand to his chin and thinks about what he's
just witnessed.  The door beside him hisses open and the Emperor
Kahless comes through.
     Emperor Kahless: "DuraS Dalegh'a'."  ["Did you see Duras?"]
     Crewman (dazed): "HISlaH."  [(In formal Klingon) "Yes".]
     Emperor Kahless: "nuq bIQub'a'."  ["What do you think?"]
     Crewman (pause): "lughHa' 'oH."  ["It is wrong."]
     Emperor Kahless: "'ach DuraSpu' Dangaq."  ["But you support
the Durases."]
     The Klingon looks long into the Emperor's face.
     "lughHa' 'oH."  ["It is wrong."]
     The Emperor nods, a slow smile of satisfaction spreading
across his countenance.  He shifts his gaze toward the bridge.

     A clearing in the Dark Forest.  At first all is quiet.  Then
Door Repair Guy dashes into the middle of the shot, comes to a
sudden stop, tumbles head over heels with the momentum, looks
behind him to see if he's being followed, sees that he is, winds
up and dashes out of the shot below the elevated camera with a
look of sheer fright on his face.  A Klingon dashes into the shot
from the same direction DRG came, stops in the same place,
crouches and peers in the direction DRG has gone, sees him,
points and makes a "Come on, come on" gesture back in the
direction he came, and then another Klingon, then another two,
then another fifteen, then another hundred and twelve, dash into
the glade filling it with running Klingons.  They crowd out of
the shot after DRG, gradually emptying the set.  Then one little
Klingon dashes into the clearing, looks in all directions, and
dashes out again in the same direction as everybody else.

[Commercial: Crimson Tide/Tide]

     Shot of Bob on the tarmac at the Uplands airbase in front of
the Purolator jet.
     "Okay!  We're at the National Capital Airshow here at
Canadian Forces Base Uplands and I'm in front of the Purolator
jet -- it's an entire passenger jet made over for cargo! -- they
took all the seats out! -- there they are at the end of the
runway! and" -- (keeps talking but is drowned out by a USAF
Starlifter taking off in the background) -- "and all the great
people from the National Capital Freenet who volunteered to sell
tickets and make hotdogs and whoa a million other things" --
(drowned out by USAF Galaxy lifting off) -- "and we have a clip
of that, so roll that clip."
     Shot of stuntman climbing off the top of a blue and yellow
biplane onto the landing gear of a helicopter flying in close
     Voiceover: (loud prolonged yodel of fear).
     "Back to Door --" (drowned out by B2 bomber taking off).]

[Commercial: Bridges of Madison County/Polident]

     View of the Duras ship nose-to-nose with Gowron's Vor'cha
attack cruiser.  Cut to the Vor'cha's bridge.  Gowron strides in,
adjusts his belt, and takes the command chair.
     "yIja'."  ["Report."]
     "DuraSpu' tojtaH tamaj."  ["Our recording continues to fool
the Durases."]
     Exterior view of Duras ship unleashing a photon torpedo.  It
traverses the short distance between the two ships and detonates
against the Vor'cha's shields. 
     The bridge rocks.  Gowron and his officers are all thrown
from their seats.  Gowron, pulling himself up by the arm of the
command chair:
     "qul chegh."  ["Return fire!"]
     View of the Vor'cha and K'Vort unleashing their stocks of
photons torpedoes at each other's shields.
     Bridge of the K'Vort.  Duras is in the command chair,
rocking back and forth with each blast, and grinning.
     "qo' Dun."  ["It's a wonderful world."]
     The door hisses open and Kahless enters.
     Kahless: "targhwIj mach vInej."  ["I'm looking for my little
     Duras, turning in his chair: "nuq."  ["What?"]
     Kahless: "DaH ghaH vItu'ta'."  ["Now I've found him."]
     Duras: "voDleH vIpoQbe'."  ["I don't need an Emperor."]
     Kahless: "'e' DaQub'a'."  ["Do you think so?"]
     Duras: "petaQ.  tlhon."  ["Scurvy knave.  Clone."]
     Marguerite (nervously): "loDnI'."  ["Brother."]
     Duras: "toywI'.  ghargh."  ["Servant.  Worm."]
     Marguerite: "DuraS."  ["Duras. . ."]
     Duras flares his nostril and points toward it
     Kahless: "yIyep.  DaqaD 'e' Dayajbe'."  ["Be careful.  You
don't realize who you're dealing with."]
     Kahless picks up Duras, throws him over his shoulder, and
heads out the door.  Marguerite makes a quick gesture to the
bridge crew to stay at their stations.
     She hisses: "peSuvtaH."  ["Keep fighting!"]
     The camera swings around the two battling vessels.
     Cut to the Dark Forest.  DRG comes dashing up to the
interdimensional gateway.  The Door Fek'lhr steps in front of the
glowing rectangle, blocking his way.  DRG, seeing this just in
time, dashes back into the forest, followed by the Fek'lhr.
     In the corridor leading to the hold Kahless with the
struggling Duras over his shoulder passes the Emperor Kahless,
who has just completed his conversation with the ethical
     Emperor Kahless: "yayvetlh vIneHpu'."  ["I wanted to do
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "yayraj 'oH."  ["You did it."]
     He hits a door control and disappears with Duras through the
opening doorway on his way to the hold.
     The Emperor Kahless enters the rocking bridge.  Marguerite
and the others don't say a word, sensing the truth of what has
just transpired but not wanting to cross such a well-connected
fellow.  Kahless advances toward Marguerite.  They come face to
     Emperor Kahless: "chonay'a'."  ["Will you marry me?"]
     Marguerite: "chaq."  ["I might."]
     Emperor Kahless: "'oH yIbuS."  ["Think about it."]
     He points to the transporter chief.
     "SoH.  ghawron DujDaq HIjol."  ["You!  Transport me to
Gowron's ship."]
     "yoDmeychaj."  ["Their shields!"]
     "tIQotlh."  ["Disable them!"]
     The transporter chief looks to the gunner, who looks to his
diminishing arsenal and increases the rate of fire.
     Shot of all this ordnance erupting from the K'vort and
battering the Vor'cha's shields.
     On the bridge of the approaching Defiant Dax is reading her
tactical display.
     "Admiral, Gowron's ship is in combat with a second Klingon
vessel.  It's the ship that kidnapped our missing door repair
man.  They're giving each other everything they've got."
     Nechayev: "Hailing frequencies.  Klingon vessels!  Cease
fire at once and set course for the wormhole.  You are in a
Jem'Hadar trap."
     "No response."
     "Put a shot across their bows."
     "Torpedo away."
     Shot of the two Klingon vessels pounding each other with
photon torpedoes and beams of phaser fire.  The Federation
torpedo sails through the fire fight and dwindles away unnoticed.
     Odo: "They seem to be preoccupied."
     Nechayev: "I'm not used to being treated like this.  Helm,
put us between the two ships."
     Sisko jumps forward and thinks fast.
     "Admiral, that's a gutsy move.  But are you sure we can
afford to deprive the Federation of our valuable intelligence?"
     "Can we afford the destabilisation of the Klingon Empire? 
Gowron has to listen, and I'm going to make him!"
     She steps forward and punches in the requisite commands. 
The Defiant shoots forward toward the gap.
     On the K'Vort, the gunner exclaims, "QaD pu'DaH.  ratlh wa'
peng.  pum yoDmey.  'ej pum Vor'cha yoDmey.  jIbaH'a'."  ["Phaser
banks are dry!  One torpedo remains!  Shields are falling! 
Vor'cha's shields are also falling.  Should I fire?"]
     Marguerite: "ghobe'."  ["No."]
     Kahless smiles and points to the transporter chief.
     On the Vor'cha, the gunner turns and shouts, a little
nervously: "joHwI'.  luj pu'DaH.  ratlh pagh cha.  pum yoDmey." 
["My lord!  Phaser banks failing!  No torpedoes remain!  There go
the shields!"]
     Gowron rises from his chair, about to speak.  The Emperor
Kahless materializes in front of him and decks him with a right
     Emperor: "qa'Su'meywIj tISopQo'."  ["Don't eat my cashews."]
     The Emperor turns to the bridge crew, his foot on Gowron.
     "Dotlh."  ["Status."]
     "pagh nuH.  pagh yoDmey.  naDev ghoS DIvI' Duj."  ["No
weapons!  No shields!  Federation vessel approaching!"]
     Emperor: "DIvI''a'."  ["Federation, eh?"]
     Cut to the glade in the Dark Forest.  Kahless the
Unforgettable emerges from the gateway with Duras still over his
shoulder.  He sees the Door Fek'lhr.
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "ghotvam yInge'."  ["Take this
     Door Fek'lhr: "lojmIt tIwI' vIneH."  ["I want the door
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "Grrrrrr."
     Door Fek'lhr: "bIqabchugh."  ["If you insist."]
     The Fek'lhr takes Duras and disappears into the underworld.
     Duras: "A-a-a-a-r-g-g-g-g-h-h-h-h!!!!!!"
     DRG sees his opportunity, dashes out of the woods for the
gateway, and flies through.  Several hundred Klingons come
dashing up, but Kahless takes a position in front of the gateway
and holds up his hands for silence.
     Kahless the Unforgettable: "jupoymeywI'.  Sto-Vo-KorDaq
tlhIH lIqemta' batlh.  tera'ngan bowoD tlhIH 'e' raD batlh. 
pItlh.  Sto-Vo-Kor bomej tItlh boneH'a'."  ["My dear friends. 
Honour has brought you to Sto-Vo-Kor.  Honour compels you to
expel the human.  This you have done.  Do you wish to leave Sto-
     Klank: "Qo'.  naDev wIparHa'."  ["No!  We like it here!"]
     Noises of agreement.
     Kahless: "majQa'."
     The next moment the glowing rectangle behind him blinks out
of existence.
     We jump back a moment in time as DRG leaps through the
gateway into the hold of the K'Vort, rolls once or twice, then
gets up, dusts off his knees, realizes after a tense moment or
two that no one is following him, then notices that he's hungry,
goes over to the replicator and orders heart of targ with a side
order of fries, brings the dish back over to the gateway and
stands there in amazement as he begins to eat.
     Shot of the Defiant taking position between the two Klingon
vessels.  Cut to the Defiant's bridge.
     Nechayev: "You see, Commander, they respect the Federation
alliance too much to fire on us.  Get me Gowron."
     The viewscreen reveals an unusually bleary Gowron.  The
leader of the ruling council weaves and sways.
     Admiral Nechayev: "Gowron.  Surely you must see the
importance of a strong, unified Klingon Empire.  This cannot be
expected if the Jem'Hadar manage to overwhelm your ship without
even the story of your honourable defeat surviving."
     Gowron (though the movements of his mouth do not seem to
match his words): *Yes, I see your point.  Time to turn for
     Nechayev: "A refreshing perspective.  I'll see you on the
other side of the wormhole."
     Cut to the bridge of the K'Vort.  Marguerite swings toward
the camera in the command chair.
     "lojmIt yIwoD.  gharghjuHDaq.  Do naQ."  ["Jettison gateway. 
Full warp speed to wormhole."]
     View of DRG and the interdimensional gateway dematerializing
in a Klingon transporter effect.  Cut to open space.  DRG and the
gateway rematerialize off the starboard bow of the K'Vort-class
Bird of Prey.  The vessel draws away from the Vor'cha attack
cruiser and the Defiant, applies thrusters, and elasticizes into
     The Emperor drops Gowron and clomps off through the bridge
     Gowron sways to his feet, blinks, puts two and two together
and exclaims: "yItlha'.  Do naQ."  ["Pursue!  Full warp speed!"]
     The Vor'cha turns, elasticizes, and warps off in pursuit.
     Cut to Defiant.  Dax glances quickly from point to point on
her console.  "Admiral.  Forty-seven Jem'Hadar vessels
     Nechayev: "Wormhole.  Full warp speed."
     Odo: "What about our missing crewman?"
     Sisko: "He'll just have to make do where he is."
     Odo: "He's up on half a dozen noise by-law violations. 
Surely you don't intend to let him get away?"
     Nechayev (staring): "Have you been paying attention at all?"
     Dax: "Engaging."
     Defiant turns and warps off, leaving the glowing rectangle
of the percheron-powered interdimensional gateway afloat in
space.  The camera closes in on DRG who now finds himself afloat
in the vacuum of space just four feet away from the slowly
rotating gateway.  His ears pop.  He lets go of the plate of
heart of targ and fries and the dish wobbles toward the bright
rectangle and disappears through it.  He turns his mind back to
his emergency vacuum conditions training course and gradually
realizes that he was too busy customizing his Heroes of Bolian
Heavy Metal holodeck programme at the time.  (Not enough Swedes.) 
He perceives that he should have released the heart of targ in
the opposite direction because he is now drifting away from the
gateway which itself is slowly turning over and over with the
naturally occurring percheron power source sliding from corner to
corner threatening to separate entirely from its doorframe and
render the gateway inoperable.  Just as the anomaly begins to
form a globe in the upper-left-hand corner of the doorframe and
quiver like a drop of water on the end of a leaf DRG remembers,
long after you did, that he has a pre-Zekware model personal
transporter device installed in his left forearm.  He focuses his
attention on the gateway, now difficult to see through his
crystallizing eyeballs, activates the control, and disappears in
a Borg transporter effect just as the anomaly slips out of the
doorframe and the gateway goes dead.  The next instant a
Jem'Hadar warship swoops past and blows the doorframe to

[Commercial: Johnny Mnemonic/UPS] (That one works on two levels.)

     The wormhole opens and the Duras K'Vort-class Bird of Prey
emerges -- right into the middle of a Federation armada.  The
Klingon vessel cruises forward, piloting its way among the
Nebula-class Sutherland, the New Orleans-class Rutledge, the
antique Soyuz-class Bozeman, the Ambassador-class Gandhi, the
venerable Hood, the intelligent-eyed Argo, the redoutable Ox, the
swift Antelope, the active Bee, the fun-loving Rio de Janiero,
and the serious-minded Jones, among others.
     The bridge of the Gandhi.  Admiral Nakamura is there.
     Nakamura: "Klingon vessel.  Do you carry any news of the USS
Defiant?  We urgently require a conference concerning any
Jem'Hadar activities you may have witnessed in the Gamma
     The Klingon vessel maintains radio silence but moves in
behind the Gandhi as if seeking protection.  The next moment
Gowron's Vor'cha-class attack cruiser appears out of the
wormhole.  Admiral Nakamura is about to open his mouth again when
the tactical officer behind him shouts:
     "Bird of Prey firing!"
     The camera sweeps along the side of the Gandhi toward the
Bird of Prey lurking between its nacelles.  A red photon torpedo
erupts from the K'Vort's forward torpedo tube, pursues a
twinkling course along the engineering hull of the Starfleet
ship, crosses the space toward the oncoming Vor'cha, and takes a
big chunk out of its secondary hull, to the surprise of all.
     Bridge of the Duras ship.
     Marguerite pumps her fist.  
     "pItlh."  ["He shoots, he scores!"]
     She turns, points to the helmsman, jerks her thumb over her
shoulder, and settles down into her command chair.  The Bird of
Prey tumbles over and, using the bulk of the Federation ship for
cover, warps off for parts unknown.
     The viewscreen on the Gandhi is covered with static, which
gradually clears to reveal the wide-open-eyed visage of an
incensed Gowron.
     Gowron: *What is the meaning of this outrage?*
     Nakamura: "Ah . . ."
     The wormhole opens again and disgorges the USS Defiant.
     *Admiral Nechayev to Admiral Nakamura.  We are being pursued
by forty-seven Jem'Hadar vessels.  Ready weapons.*
     The ships of the fleet move into battle formation, train
their weapons on the wormhole's coordinates and wait.  
     Eighteen hours later they stand down.

     The corridor outside Door Repair Guy's quarters.  Dax and
Odo stand by as an agent from Starfleet Security applies yellow
police tape to the door.  Perceptive viewers will recognize the
Bad Cop from DRG's vision in episode 025.
     Dax: "Where do you think he is now?"
     Odo: "Out of jurisdiction, perhaps, but not out of mind. 
I've just received a communication from Starfleet Security about
certain . . . coincidences associated with his movements.  I'd
say, from his point of view, it's better he's not around."
     Dax (because the writers haven't given her a line to get out
of the scene with): (raises eyebrow).

     A livid Quark is deposited at Station Ops via turbolift.
     "I haven't been on camera for three episodes!"
     Kira: "Oh, pipe down.  You'd think you were Cirroc Lofton."
     The turbolift deposits Jake Sisko.
     Kira: "Oh.  Sorry, kid.  But think for a moment of the
sacrifices of those brave Klingons who gave their lives to
protect the Alpha Quadrant.  I'd say the problems of a few out-
of-work actors pale in comparison."
     No sooner are the words out of her mouth than the wormhole
opens and disgorges an impossibly damaged K't'inga cruiser towing
an even more completely demolished Jem'Hadar ship.
     O'Brien: "Jaysis Murphy.  It's the wreck of the Hesperus."
     Kira: "This is DS9 hailing Klingon vessel.  Do you require
     The image of the K't'inga-class battle cruiser's assistant
cook comes on the viewscreen.  You can actually see open space
through the blast holes in the bridge behind her.
     Assistant cook: *yIDoH.  vIghaj.*  [*Back off.  This one's
     View of the K't'inga and its prize crawling past DS9 toward
the Klingon Empire.

     The sickbay in what appears to be a Klingon vessel.  Door
Repair Guy opens first one eye and then the other.  His vision is
still pretty cloudy.  A figure advances toward him and thrusts
the plate of targ and fries at him.
     "nuq Hech'a'."  ["What is the meaning of this?"]
     DRG looks up, way up, the commanding figure in Klingon
armour, noting with a slight stab of panic as he passes out the
curving tusks on the targ-like snout.

Written by Douglas A. McLeod,
The opinions expressed above are not necessarily those of Krell and
Brothers, Doorhangers, or of the Klingon Guild of Doorhangers. 
}}:-)  Douglas A.McLeod  )-:{{

Episode 36 — Deus Ex Machina

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