Episode 34 — Cross Purposes
Starlight falls on the homeworld of the Founders and reflects dimly on the glutinous surface of the Great Link. Borath, the elven-eared telekinetic from "The Search, Part Two", steps down to the shore and sings: M'appari tutt'amor, il mio sguardo l'incontro, bella si che il mio cor ansioso a lei volo; mi feri, m'invaghi quell'angelica belta, sculta in cor dall'amor cancellar si non portra, il pensier di poter palpitar con lei d'amor puo sopir il martir che m'affanna e strazia il cor, e strazia il cor! During this a bulge appears in the rippling surface. It rises, bends, develops humanoid characteristics, and steps forth as the spokeswoman of the shapeshifters. "What are you singing?" "I sing the famous aria from _Martha_. Ah, such beautiful music. My heart, she's a fly up to the stars. The stars! Now can I see that they were made for love." "Are you certain you're not monitoring the Alpha Quadrant too closely?" "Ah, bellississima, you have not lived until you have heard the Texaco Metropolitan Opera! The passions! The cruelties of fate! The young lovers separated!" "I see. What of the Klingon vessel?" "I have been on board it. It carries Marguerite, the little sister of the Duras family. For many years have they struggled against their enemies, and at each turn destiny has snatched the cup of victory from their lips. Cruel destiny! There is also a clone and a human prisoner." "You were undetected?" "Si, donna." "Have they made contact with our men?" "I have held back the Jem'Hadar until the next Act." "Good. Any further developments?" "Three more ships, two Klingon, one Federation." "The Defiant?" "Si." "It is to be expected." She steps back to the shore. "Keep me notified." "I bring you a synopsis at every intermission, my gift to you." "Very well." She hesitates with one foot on the shore, the other morphing, decides to let things develop as they must, turns and wades out. We approach a planetary system. The great bulk of a gaseous giant fills the upper half of the screen. A jagged asteroid rolls by, revealing the words: Star Trek: Door Repair Guy A tiny companion moon tumbles after, revealing the word: Starring We close in on a planetoid, and as the mottled surface speeds across the screen we read: Door Repair Guy as Himself Avery Brooks as Commander Benjamin Sisko Rene Auberjonois as Odo Terry Farrell as Lieutenant Jadzia Dax Robert O'Reilly as Gowron Sara Gilbert as Marguerite Duras Natalia Nogulich as Admiral Nechayev Harvey Kietel as Klank Salome Jens as The Shapeshifter Dennis Christopher as Borath This time there's no fear of us crashing because I have here one of those secret phased cloaking devices. Don't ask. I just have to flip this switch and we'll cruise right through that planet. This'll be fun. Here we go. Any second now. Say, what is that LCD saying? PLEASE ALLOW FIVE MINUTES FOR UNIT TO WARM U Crash. [Commercial: Klingon children are playing hoops and javelins in an ancient stone-paved street. A grey-haired Klingon emerges on a nearby rooftop and strikes a gong loudly. The children all whip around to look, then scatter for home, leaving their playthings behind. We see shot after shot of children sliding into chairs and digging into plates of gakh under the approving gaze of their mothers. Thank goodness for Chef boy''ar dIy.] View of the K'Vort-class Bird of Prey sweeping deeper and deeper into the Gamma Quadrant. Cut to the murky bridge. Marguerite Duras leans forward in the command chair and addresses the navigator: "chuq." ["Distance."] "wa'maH SaD 'uy' quelI'qam." ["Twelve billion kellicams."] "yItaH." ["Steady as she goes."] The Klingons on the bridge all stagger and brace themselves as the ship banks sharply. Marguerite: "nuq DanID. HelIjDaq yIchegh." ["What are you up to? Return to your course!"] Navigator: "yItaH Dajatlhpu'." ["You said, 'Be at a negative angle.'"] "ghobe'. yItaH. not yItaH." ["No! 'Continue.' Certainly not 'be at a negative angle'!"] "jItlhIj." ["Sorry."] View of the vessel coming about. The Defiant. Cut to bridge. Admiral Nechayev is planted firmly in the command chair. Sisko paces from console to console behind her. Nechayev leans forward and addresses Dax. "Lieutenant. I'm waiting for results on that ion trail analysis." "The computer is still processing it, Admiral." "Then give me an interim report!" "On screen." The viewscreen image of streaking stars is replaced by a computer schematic of local ion trail patterns. The screen is almost white with crisscrossed warp signatures in every stage of decay. Sisko: "Quite a lot of traffic. But we still have not picked up a single ship." Nechayev: "It's the Jem'Hadar, Commander. They've prepared the ground well. We can be sure they're watching us closely." Odo: "Cloaked, no doubt." Nechayev: "It was essential we leave the Romulans in the dark. This is a highly sensitive security operation. The cloaking device was a diplomatic encumbrance." Odo: "I trust you have an alternate line of defence." "I have." She depresses a control on the armrest. "This is Admiral Nechayev of the USS Defiant to all Jem'Hadar vessels. We have Constable Odo on board." Commander Sisko slowly releases the back of the chair beside him, and says: "I had nearly forgotten what it was like to live or die by the intuitive command decisions of a superior officer." Nechayev smiles. The Defiant speeds on. View of the antique and battered K't'inga battle cruiser streaking along at warp speed. Captain Klank leans forward in the command chair and says: "chIjwI'. nuq Do." ["Navigator. What speed?"] "pIvlob Soch, joHwI'. ["Warp factor seven, my lord."] "Do'. Do' Do. Ha ha ha." ["Lucky. Lucky speed! Ha ha ha."] Heads turn. Klingons exchange looks. Klank begins to pound the armrest rhythmtically with his fist as if he has a tune in his head. He leans forward. "nuqDaq jem HaDar." ["Where are the Jem'Hadar?"] "chaH laDbe' nochmey, joHwI'." ["Sensors do not read them, my Lord."] "DItu' 'e' vIchup." ["Let's find them."] "HIja', joHwI'." ["Yes, my lord."] Klank wags his finger in the air, then suddenly puts his hand at the base of his throat and stretches his neck one way and the other to the sound of crackling cartilage. "'oy'." ["Sore."] He begins to beat the air again, and this time sings: jem HaDar vIpar vIHar. jem HaDar vIpar vIHar. jem HaDar DaQaw'laH 'ar. jem HaDar DaQaw'laH 'ar. [I think I hate the Jem'Hadar. (Repeat.) How many Jem'Hadar can you destroy? (Repeat.)] One by one the Klingons take up the song, some more enthusiastically than others. The camera moves from face to face as they sing, resting at last on the stony visage of the Second Officer. The ship speeds on. Shot of Gowron's Vor'cha attack cruiser at warp speed. Cut to the bridge. Gowron leans forward toward the navigator and says: "Hoch yISopQo'." ["Don't eat them all."] The navigator surrenders the bowl of cashews. Gowron grazes meditatively until they're gone, when he snaps to and shouts: "maDelIn. qaSu'mey." ["Madeline! Cashews!"] They're in his hand before the last syllable is out of his mouth. He looks at her. "choSovchu'. qatlh DuraSpu' lutlhej voDleH." ["You know me well. Why does the Emperor follow the Durases?"] She gives him a critical look and says over her shoulder as she leaves: "chaq qaSu'meyDaj DaSoppu'." ["Perhaps you ate all his cashews."] The doors clang hisses shut behind her. Gowron grunts and slouches angrily in his chair. The ship speeds on. [Commercial: Jennifer Sisko for Buick] Shot of the K't'inga-class attack cruiser. Cut to an out- of-the-way corridor. The door at the end of the passageway scrapes open and a Klingon clomps through. He has advanced several long-legged steps when a hand shoots out of a side- entrance and grips his arm. "yaS wa'DIch SoH." ["You are the First Officer."] "'oH DaSovchu'." ["Well you know it."] "maw' HoD. qatlh Datambe'.'" ["The Captain has gone crazy. Why do you not replace him?"] "laH ghajtaH." ["He is fit."] "jo' yab ghaj." ["He has a machine brain."] "Qap." ["It works."] "not tlhIngan 'oH." ["It is scarcely Klingon."] "'ut'a'." ["Must it be?"] "tlhIngan maH." ["This is a Klingon ship."] "yIchergh." ["Be more tolerant."] "HoD Datambe'chugh vaj qatam 'ej vItam." ["If you don't replace him I will replace you and then replace him."] "Ha'." ["Come on."] They whip out jagged customized daggers and go at each other. Shot of the K'Vort-class Bird of Prey. The bridge. The navigator turns toward the command chair. "nom wIghoS." ["We are quickly approaching it."] Marguerite puts away her knife and the length of wood she has been whittling and rises from the command chair. "DaH malegh." ["Now we'll see."] She takes a Klingon tricorder from her bosom and disappears out the wheezing door. Vor'cha. The navigator turns to the command chair. "joHwI', pov nochmeylIj chu'. wej Dujmey tu'. k't'inga. DIvI' Duj Devayant. k'vort." ["My lord, your new sensors are working beautifully. Three ships detected. K't'inga. Federation ship Defiant. K'Vort."] Gowron: "majQa'. reH nochmey QaQ yIDIlrup 'e' jatlh verenganvetlh. k'vort yIqIH." ["Excellent. That Ferengi said, 'Always be prepared to pay for the good sensors.' Intercept the Bird of Prey."] The Vor'cha elasticizes and shoots off. [Commercial: "Only one Klingon is on the cutting edge of salon style: vIDal SaSun." View of Worf in styling chair critically examining his reflection, then nodding in satisfaction.] Defiant. Dax's gaze flicks down to the navigational console and the warning signal flashing there. "Klingon vessel approaching at warp eight. Vor'cha class." Nechayev and Sisko: "Shields up!" "Raising shields. The Klingons are not slowing. They're passing us." Nechayev and Sisko make eye contact. Nechayev: "Follow that ship." Defiant shoots off. The bridge of the K't'inga. The navigator turns to Captain Klank. "HoD. HIv Duj." ["Captain! Ship attacking!"] Klank's eyes snap open and he looks around in some confusion. "Fire on it!" The bridge crew's mouths open in like confusion. Gunner: "InglIS vIjatlhbe'." ["I don't speak English!"] Klank (collecting himself): "baH." ["Fire!"] Vintage clip of a K't'inga-class battle cruiser firing a photon torpedo. Gowron's bridge. The scene rocks as the photon torpedo hits home. The lights go down. Sirens honk. Steam bursts out of ruptured pipes. Gowron: "DujvetlhDaq yIbaH." ["Fire on that ship!"] Shot of the Vor'cha-class attack cruiser returning fire. Klank's bridge. Consoles explode. Klingons fly. Klank: "Phaser banks! Torpedoes! I mean, pu'DaH. cha." Navigator: "nargh." ["They're out of range!"] "tItlha'. nuqDaq yaSpu'wI'." ["Pursue them! Where are my officers?"] The navigator begins to input the commands but his console explodes, sending him rotating across the bridge and rebounding off the far bulkhead. Elsewhere, the assistant cook activates a door and starts down a corridor toward the galley. She slows and crouches down beside the bodies of the First and Second Officers. They have run each other through the heart. She takes each by the forehead, peals back an upper eyelid with either thumb, and howls. Then she helps herself to a couple of keepsakes, takes up her pail of gakh, and continues on her way. Klank: "SeHlaw cha'DIch!" ["Auxiliary control!"] A Klingon tears a panel off the wall and yanks out a control stick. Klank: "jonwI'. yIta'." ["Engineer! Report!"] * pIvghor mach wIghaj. pagh yoDmey. pagh jol. * [* We have limited warp drive. No shields. No transporter.*] Klank: "yaSpu'mey yItu' vay'. QuQ. chu'." ["Somebody find my officers! Engines! Engage!"] The Klingon with the auxiliary control stick torques it just like a motorcycle accelerator. The venerable K't'inga comes about, showing its wounds and spraying electrical fire into space, and starts off in pursuit. [Bob: "Whoa, and back to Star Trek: Door Repair Guy in just a sec, but first I want to say hi and welcome to the Couch to . . . " "qevIn." "qevIn, and as you can see he's a Klingon and a member of the Klingon Assault Group and they're doing security at the Westin Hotel this weekend and you can win a couple of tickets and see William Shatner, and I know qevIn you're a big Captain Kirk fan." "HoD Qugh HoHpu' ghaH." [Subtitles: "He killed Captain Kruge."] "So, like, you and the other Klingons will be there to protect him from . . . any other Klingons who may want to take revenge." "bIlugh." ["That's right."] (Laughs.) "And we have two tickets for the big convention, and you can see the number on the screen now, and we're taking caller number twenty-one . . . yep, we've got a caller, so let's turn up the speaker phone here. Hi, you're on the Couch." *qavan.* ["I salute you."] Bob: "Oh. It's for you." qevIn: "nuqneH." *ghoS nab.* ["The plan proceeds."] qevIn: "jan Daghaj'a'." ["You have the device?"] *HIja'.* ["Yes."] qevIn (taking the tickets out of Bob's hand): "cha' navHommey Dange'." ["You win two tickets."] *majQa'.* Bob (glancing uncertainly from side to side) : "So be sure to catch the Star Trek convention at the Westin Sunday, and we'll be back to Door Repair Guy . . . after this."] [Commercial: Doug Gilmour for milk, dressed only in a jersey. HaHaHa!! Get it?!] Door Repair Guy is stretched out on the deck of the brig with his ankles crossed, his head leaning up against the wall and his hands folded on his stomach, catching a little shut-eye. Beyond is the bright rim of the holding cell entrance. (Imagine the cameraman lying on the floor, filming up past the orange overalled repairman to the opposite side of the room.) We hear a door scrape open and booted feet approach along the metallic corridor. Our hero opens one eye and glances toward the door. The security forcefield disappears and Marguerite Duras steps in, inspects him for a moment, then walks over and kicks him in the arse. DRG: "baQa'. Daspu'mey." ["Hey! Bootspikes!"] Marguerite: "yIHu'." ["Get up."] He rises. Marguerite: "lojmIt DatI'laH'a'." ["Can you fix a door?"] "luHar mI' mach." ["Some believe it."] "vaj lojmItwIj yItI'." ["Then fix my door."] She leads him out. They traverse several corridors, at last arriving in the main hold. In the centre of the cavernous space stands a doorframe not unlike the one in DRG's quarters on DS9. Beside the door, seated expectantly in a portable chair, is the Emperor Kahless. Marguerite holds a communicator to her mouth and barks: "ghorgh." ["How soon?"] She holds it to her ear. A tinny voice says: * DaH ghoS. * ["It's coming now."] View of the Bird of Prey dropping out of warp, the stars slowing down from streaks to points. The ship coasts forward toward a bright, glimmering anomaly. Cut to the bridge, where the bridge crew are carefully piloting the vessel into close formation with the object. We see the ship park directly below it, then rise slowly so that the object spills its light across the hull. The Bird of Prey continues to rise, and the anomaly passes right through the skin of the vessel into the hold. The light bursts out between the deckbeams and illuminates the hold and the upturned faces of Kahless, Marguerite and DRG. Marguerite passes her tricorder to Door Repair Guy. He reads it and glances up in surprise. "perSeronmey." ["Percherons."] [Commercial: reH qoqa'qola] The hold of the K'Vort-class Bird of Prey. The percheron well hangs metres above the doorway. Marguerite is speaking directions into the communicator to the pilot on the bridge. "DungDaq. DungDaq. DungDaq. retlhDaq. ghobe'. He pIm. He pIm." ["Up. Up. Up. To the side. No. The other way. The other way."] DRG: "left right je ghajbogh Hol ngeD law' tlhIngan Hol ngeD puS." ["Wouldn't it be easier if your language had words for left and right?"] Marguerite (covering the communicator speaker): "bIjatlh 'e' yImev." ["Shut up."] To the communicator: "bIchol. bIchol. bIpaw." ["You're close. You're close. You're there."] We see the anomaly edge into the corner of the doorframe where it is caught by the active field and spread out into a glowing rectangle around the inner surface of the doorframe. Marguerite: "Quvvam yIpol." ["Hold these coordinates."] She puts away the communicator and turns to Door Repair Guy. "DaH yIchu'." ["Now make it work."] DRG: "Law of Door Repair Number Eight: 'Always make sure the door you're trying to open doesn't lead directly to the outside of the sixty-seventh floor.'" Kayless: "tlhIngan HolDaq DamughlaH'a' 'oH." ["Can you say that in Klingon?"] "Qatlh." ["Difficult."] Marguerite: "ghoch Hop." ["The destination is far."] DRG: "nuqDaq." ["Where?"] Kayless rises and approaches him, looks up deep into his eyes, and says: "Sto-Vo-Kor." Klazons begin to wail. Marguerite steps aside and pulls out the communicator. "nuq." ["What?"] *So'Ha' Duj. vor'cha.* ["Vessel decloaking. Vor'cha class."] "Gowron. Qu'vatlh. meHDaq vIghoS." ["Gowron!
I'm coming to the bridge!"] View of Gowron's ship decloaking several hundred metres off the bow of the Bird of Prey in the confrontational nose-to-nose style of Klingon parking. Marguerite hurries onto the bridge and takes the command chair. "Dotlh." ["Status!"] "ghung nuH. Qam yoD." ["Weapons locked. Shields up."] "rI' ghaH." ["He hails."] "jIH yIchu'." ["Activate viewscreen."] The eyes of Gowron appear on-screen. They widen and close imperceptively. Marguerite leans forward and widens her eyes, growling as she does so. They stare. And they stare. [Commercial: yIqanQo'. tIvtaHghach yIghaj. pepSIy yItlhutlh.] Again Borath descends to the shore of the Great Link. He places his hands on his heart and sings: Ecco ridente in cielo spunta la bella aurora, e tu non sorgi ancora, e puoi dormir cosi? Sorgi, mia dolce speme. Vieni, bell'idol mio. Rendi men crudo, oh Dio! lo stral che me feri. The bulge reappears and takes humanoid form. "What now?" "_Il Barbiere Di Sivilglia_." "I mean, what developments with the four ships from the Alpha Quadrant?" "Ah! The Duras faction have located a percheron well from which they hope to draw power to open an interdimensional gateway. The ship of Gowron has discovered them. There is a confrontation in progress, but the Durases are checked by their desire to keep their vessel stationary, and Gowron by his wish to return to his capital with the Emperor and his endorsement. The Federation ship soon will arrive. The third Klingon ship is damaged but it also soon arrives." "The gateway. Can it work?" "I have been to Deep Space Nine and examined the one there. I believe it works by accident." "Hm. Surround the Federation ship. Remember, there is a Founder on board. Destroy the third Klingon vessel. Continue to observe the two lead Klingon ships." "As you desire, dearest lady." Klank's beaten-up K't'inga cruiser staggers on through the Gamma Quadrant. Cut to the bridge. The crew are all at work repairing and rerouting systems. Shunts and cables hang everywhere. Klank steps back from a repair job and nods approvingly. "Bodacious. Klank old buddy, when it comes to circuit phase inversion you're a veritable Bach." The Gunner turns suddenly. "baH'a'." "Bach." The Gunner depresses a control, firing off a photon torpedo, to everyone's surprise. The bridge crew stand and watch it curve away on the viewscreen. Klank: "yIQIj." ["Explain."] Gunner: "yIbaH 'e' Dajatlhpu'." ["You said, 'Fire.'"] The others nod in agreement and look from the Captain to the Gunner to the screen, wondering what will follow. The torpedo explodes, outlining the shields of a cloaked Jem'Hadar warship. Eyes widen. The starry image on the viewscreen is replaced by the bridge of the Jem'Hadar ship. The Dominion's specially-bred crack soldiers crowd up to the screen, wide-eyed, fighting each other for a good look and shouting, "Klingons! Klingons!" The Klingons catch the spirit of the moment and begin to shout, "DaSpu'nachDu'! DaSpu'nachDu'!" ["Bootspike-heads!"] Klank: "SuH. DISuv." ["Let's fight them!"] View of the Klingon and Jem'Hadar vessels turning and accelerating toward each other, unleashing photon torpedoes and phasers as they go. The Defiant. Dax plays the controls, then turns to Nechayev. "I've located the Vor'cha and the K'Vort." "Plot a course. Warp eight. En-" Sixteen Jem'Hadar vessels decloak in the way. "They're hailing." Nechayev and Sisko: "On screen." Borath appears. He holds up a letter. "I carry a reply to Odo's message." Nechayev and Sisko pause and turn toward Odo. Nechayev: "Bring it over." Odo feels the weight of the glances stealing in his direction, smiles nervously, and rocks on his heels. Gowron leans forward and stares at the glaring image of Marguerite Duras on the viewscreen. He stretches one hand toward the floor out of the shot and closes his thumb and forefinger together, signifying "extreme close-up". After a moment the Communications Officer moves into the periphery of Gowron's vision and makes a box with his hands around his own eyes to indicate the area of the shot. Confident that Marguerite cannot see it Gowron draws a finger across his throat. The Communications Officer touches a control and says: "tam 'oH." ["It is silent."] "jIghung. qaSu'mey tIqem." ["I'm hungry. Bring me some cashews."] "HIja', joHwI'." ["Yes, my lord."] "'ej." ["And."] "joHwI'a'." ["My lord?"] Gowron shifts in the command chair. "HItam 'ej puchpa'Daq yIghos." ["Go to the bathroom for me, would you?"] "HIja', joHwI'." Marguerite Duras leans toward the viewscreen for the sixth or seventh hundred time, tilts her head, and snarls. Slowly she stretches her arm out to one side and points at her Communications Officer. The officer touches some controls and announces: "reH ta." ["Recording rolling."] Marguerite sits back, stretches, and gets up. "vum Dal." ["Boring work."] She walks off the bridge. Door Repair Guy wriggles out from under the interdimensional gateway, puts down a tool, scratches behind his ear, picks up another tool, and crawls back under. Kahless: "tera'nganpu' vIyajchu'be'." ["I do not understand Terrans well."] DRG: "bIQ wIrur. reH machoH." ["We are like water, continually changing."] Kahless: "lu'. jIQochbe'. bIQ. maj. nagh maH." ["Yes. I agree. Water. Good. We are stone."] DRG: "'ej 'Iw tlhIH." ["You're also blood."] Kahless: "HISlaH. 'Iw maH." ["Yes! We are blood."] DRG: "tIrbIQ maH." ["We are beer."] Kahless: "tIrbIQ vIyajchu'be'." ["I do not understand beer well."] DRG: "Sto-Vo-Kor DaSuch qatlh DaneH." ["Why do you want to visit Sto-Vo-Kor?"] "jIqIH'egh." ["To meet myself."] The doors to the hold open and admit Marguerite. "Qap'a' 'oH." ["Does it work?"] "jISovbe'." ["I don't know."] "maghoj." ["Let's find out."] She steps up and through, disappearing in a flash. Kahless looks at DRG and remarks: "tlhIngan ghaH." ["She is a Klingon."] He follows. DRG stands and looks around, scratching underneath his hat and wondering what comes next. Then a hand reaches out of the gateway, grabs the front of his overalls, and yanks him in. Next time on Star Trek: Door Repair Guy: DRG walks in. Hundreds of Klingon warriors turn and stare. "vItlhej." ["I'm with him."] ------------ Written by Douglas A. McLeod, email@example.com ------------