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Episode 32 — Threshold
Tracking shot of Deep Space Nine.
The Promenade. A klezmer band have set up outside the
Cardassian Lanes bowling alley and are tearing into "Paint It
Black". The accordian player spots a disapproving Odo
approaching around the bend, elbows the clarinet player, and the
bunch of them have packed up and scammed out of there, the last
one pausing to slam a bowler hat full of change on his head,
before Odo can cover the distance.
Odo (scowling after their flying coattails): "Buskers."
Shot of First City, the capital of the Klingon Empire.
Weather: overcast with scattered showers. The camera draws back,
revealing the viewscreen frame around the picture. Further
camera tracking reveals that we are in fact inside the building
at the centre of the view: the mighty, dramatically lit Great
Hall of the Ruling Council. The huge chamber is deserted, except
for a few Klingons, mostly civil servants hurrying from place to
place on various bureaucratic errands. Three musicians sit idly
in one corner, their horn, drum and anvil silent.
First musician: "SIStaH." ["Still raining."]
Second musician: [grunts].
Third musician: "'It." ["Depressing."]
Gowron is slouched in the chair of the leader of the Ruling
Council, discontentedly defacing the ornate armrest with a d'k
tahg knife. A Klingon woman enters and places a bowl of nuts on
the scored surface.
"meghraj." ["Your lunch."]
"vIghovbe'. tar chojab'a'." ["I don't recognize it. Are
you serving me poison?"]
"HISlaH. jajvamDaq tar qajab." ["Yes. Today is my day to
He rolls the nuts around in the bowl.
"nuq Dapong'a'." ["What do you call it?"]
"qaSu'mey. tera'ngan Soj." ["Cashews. A human food."]
He flares his nostrils.
"tlhIngan jIH." ["I am a Klingon."]
"HIja', vISov. meghraj yISop." ["Yes, I realize that. Eat
He tries one.
"QaQ." ["They're good."]
A messenger enters and salutes.
"joHwI', De' Dun." ["My Lord, great news!"]
Gowron perks up and fixes his owllike gaze on the messenger.
"may' Dun. enterprI' Qaw'lu'." ["There has been a great
battle. Enterprise is destroyed."]
Gowron widens his eyes and steps halfway off the dias.
"toH. Hegh'a' piqarD." ["So. Picard is dead?"]
"ghobe', joH'wI'. narghta' beq." ["No, my Lord. The crew
Gowron advances and takes the messenger by the collar,
presses the d'k tahg to the Klingon's throat, and snarls:
"vaj qatlh chonuQ." ["Then why do you disturb me?"]
"Heghlaw' Lursa B'Etor je." ["Lursa and B'Etor are
Gowron's eyes widen further. He backs off.
"jagh'pu'wI'. bInepchugh vaj bIHegh." ["My enemies. If
you're lying I'll kill you."]
"bInepbe'." ["I do not lie."]
Gowron's gaze turns inward and he wanders away, rolling his
head from side to side. The messenger follows him with his eyes,
and whispers to the serving woman:
"pum DuraS qorDu'. qatlh lopbe' ghaH." ["The House of
Duras is destroyed. Why does he not triumph?"]
Serving woman (hereafter maDelIn): "qoH. chaH poQ. ngoQ
ghaH nob." ["Idiot. He needs them. They give him purpose."]
"'ej B'Etor muSHa'pu'." ["Besides, he had a thing for
"jIyaj." ["I see."]
"yIbej. wuq." ["Watch. He has decided what to do."]
Gowron ceases his wandering and shoots a glance at the
"nuqDaq may'." ["Where is the music?" (Literally: "Where
is the battle?")]
The musicians strike up an opening salvo.
First musician: "nuq wIreHneS." ["What have we the honour
"LoDor valpergha je 'ay' SochmaHDIch yIreH." ["Play Lodore
and Valperga, the fourteenth movement."]
They begin. Gowron, pleased with his new resolve, sheathes
his dagger and stomps purposefully to his throne. He turns
dramatically at the step and declares:
"rInbe' Qu'wIj. yIntaH be'nI' wejDIch. wo' buQtaH ghaH.
vaj DuraS qorDu' vISuvtaH." ["My task is not completed! The
third sister survives! She continues to threaten the Empire.
Thus I will continue to fight the family of DuraS."] (As always
he pronounces the name Duras as if it means "pile of shit".)
He sits, and stares into the distance, hatching plots
against the youngest sister of Lursa and B'Etor, and wolfing down
cashews. Within moments the bowl is empty. He stares at it in
surprise, grips it by the rim, and holds it out.
maDelIn walks over and grabs it from him.
"DaparHa' 'e' vISovpu'." ["I figured you'd like them."]
A starfield. We move toward the brightest speck, which
grows in luminescence and resolves into a binary star system as
we approach. Stellar matter forming a bright burning tail arcs
away from the orbiting yellow star and spirals inward forming a
glowing disk around the intense white dwarf star. We pass close
"Crawlspace: the final frontier. These are the voyages of
the Door Repair Guy. His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
We approach a planetary system. The great bulk of a gaseous
giant fills the upper half of the screen. A jagged asteroid
rolls by, revealing the words:
Star Trek: Door Repair Guy
A tiny companion moon tumbles after, revealing the word:
We close in on a planetoid, and as the mottled surface
speeds across the screen we read:
Door Repair Guy as
Avery Brooks as
Commander Benjamin Sisko
Rene Auberjonois as
Siddig El Fadil as
Doctor Julian Bashir
Terry Farrell as
Lieutenant Jadzia Dax
Colm Meany as
Chief Miles Edward O'Brien
Armin Shimmerman as
Nana Visitor as
Major Kira Nerys
Cirroc Lofton as
Robert O'Reilly as
Kelsey Grammer as
Captain Bateson of the Bozeman
and Natalia Nogulich as
Oh-oh. I'm reading a 23% degradation of the impulse
reaction chamber's dispersion-strengthened hafnium excelinide
containment shell. Something must have gone wrong with the
replaceable crystalline gulium fluoride layer. We just got a new
one two weeks ago! We must have encountered some kind of anti-
proton intrusion into our universe back there in that last star
system! Reactor shutdown is imminent! There it goes! What's
this? We're losing attitudinal control! Structural integrity
field power conduit number two is offline! Explosive
decompression on Deck Three! Receiving multiple reports of
steampipe rupturing! What's that? A mountain?
[Commercial: Q for Quaker State motor oil:
Shot of Q in rear admiral's uniform looking askance at a can
of Quaker State motor oil.]
Ops. It's the beginning of the morning watch, and the staff
are still digesting the big news story of the day.
Kira: "So, apparently, this El-Aurian scientist was blowing
up stars to alter the course of this energy ribbon thing so that
it could pick him up off the planet surface and whisk him away to
Dax: "Hold on. What do you mean by 'blow up'?"
Kira: "You know. Nova. Kablooey."
Dax: "But in order to alter the course of a celestial object
you would have to change the position or the mass of the
neighbouring objects. A nova does neither of these things."
"Well, I don't know. You're the scientist. All I know is
that it actually worked, except that he accidently whisked
Captain Picard away too, and Picard found another Starfleet
officer in the Nexus, a guy from the 23rd century, and the two of
them came back, duked it out with the El-Aurian, and prevented
him from destroying the planet's sun, thereby saving not only the
Enterprise crew but also millions and millions of people on a
O'Brien: "Wait a minute. You're saying Picard went into the
Nexus when the energy ribbon destroyed the planet, found Kirk,
and brought him back out of the Nexus in time to prevent the
destruction of the planet? How could he have done something the
consequence of which was the prevention of the thing he needed to
do? It makes no sense."
Dax: "It's temporal mechanics, Chief."
The control panel next to Dax's elbow emits a warning beep.
She turns and investigates.
"This is unusual. Sensors have just picked up a percheron
emission originating in the Habitat Ring."
O'Brien: "Percherons? That's strange. You don't see
percherons every day, unless someone's operating some kind of
heavy particle matrix parting system. I didn't think we had any
of those on board. What coordinates did they come from?"
"Room 04-451. Personal quarters, currently occupied by one
of your technicians, namely Door Repair Guy."
"Why doesn't that surprise me? Do you think the percherons
could represent some danger to the station?"
"It depends on what he's doing with them."
"You know, I had a feeling this would turn out to be one of
those days. This morning the replicator . . ."
Sisko comes out of his office. "Isn't anyone going to
investigate that percheron emission?"
O'Brien grabs his toolcase. "On my way!"
[Commercial: Q for Quaker State motor oil:
Shot of Q eyeing the motor oil. He opens his mouth to
speak, then stops himself, screws up his face, and glares off
camera. "I don't need this, you know. I am omnipotent." A
voice off camera responds: "Yeah, yeah." Q folds his arms and
glares at the motor oil.]
Shot of O'Brien barrelling along a Habitat Ring corridor,
reading the door numbers as he goes. He comes up behind Quark
who is carrying a large takeout bag and also reading the door
Quark: "Explain to me again how these Federation door
"It's like a starship. Every level has a number. Then you
divide the Habitat Ring into segments. Every segment has a
number. Then each room is assigned a number according to its XYZ
"And do the segment numbers run clockwise or
"Clockwise, if your point of view is above the station."
"That's fine. Now which way is clockwise?"
"Like a clock."
"When was the last time you saw a clock?"
"Ah. Well now. There's one in Commander Sisko's office."
"Does it run clockwise?"
"I'm not sure. Saltah'nan clocks might not run clockwise.
Look, here's a clock." He draws on the wall with a finger.
"This is clockwise, and this is counterclockwise."
"I see. Now, some people say counterclockwise and others
say anticlockwise. What's the difference?"
"I don't want to get into anti-time."
"Wouldn't it just be easier if this side of the corridor had
even numbers, and that side had odd numbers?"
O'Brien takes a deep breath. "Yes."
Quark resumes his search. "The Cardassian's had a simpler
method. Nufrek's room. Borot's room. Everyone was happy."
"I'm sure the Bajorans were ecstatic."
"Well, it beats their system. They only use auspicious
numbers. Five, eight, thirteen, twenty-nine."
"Thirteen is an auspicious number?"
"Sorry I mentioned it."
"Where are you going with that anyway?"
"It's a delivery for that Door Repair Guy. Takeout from the
Klingon restaurant. They won't serve him there because of some
discommendation or other. Those Klingons. That Door Repair Guy
is their best customer, but will they even come out of the
kitchen when he's around? No. And they call it a service
economy. So I do the pickup and charge a small delivery fee."
"And you get the tip."
"I deserve the tip."
"Here it is. 04-451." He pulls out a tricorder.
"Definitely the source of the percherons." He rings.
"They're a subatomic particle."
"Are they anomalous?"
"In this instance, yes."
"Here." Quark thrusts the takeout bag at O'Brien and
hurries off. "You deserve the tip."
O'Brien rings again. No response.
"Computer. Emergency access authorization O'Brien 333 YIM."
The door swooshes open. He steps in.
The room is decorated in early rec room revival. Along one
wall is what appears to be a complete run of _Field and Stream_.
Mounted above that is a taxidermically preserved SISbat'telh
Dawt. Opposite is what must be the sector's largest collection
of aural paleotechnology. A small fusion generator powers a
tangle of components assembled with a view to playing anything
from an isolinear rod to an Edison cylinder. A Lazy-Boy recliner
occupies one corner, beside it a case of Labatt Y empties. Tools
and spare parts are scattered all around the room in sort of an
aura at the centre of which stands a large doorframe. Coaxial
cables lead off from the base of the doorframe toward mechanisms
of diverse origin -- Klingon, Cardassian, Romulan, even Benzite.
Within the doorframe is a view of a city square. Two curved
towers, one taller than the other, are cupped around a central
mushroom-shaped structure. In the foreground stand a series of
slender arches. O'Brien taps his commbadge.
"O'Brien to Ops. I think somebody'd better get down here."
As O'Brien waits for backup he sees Door Repair Guy
approaching across the square, toting an armload of plastic bags
past a bulbous bronze sculpture. He steps up to the doorframe
and enters the room, only then noticing O'Brien.
"Hey. Hi. Cool, eh? Toronto. I just came in from Sam the
[Commercial: Q for Quaker State motor oil:
Q glances at the motor oil, then off camera, then approaches
the camera, says, "Viscosity," with a sour look on his face,
glances off camera again and asks, "There, are you happy?"]
The door chimes. O'Brien hurries over and enables it. It
opens to reveal Doctor Bashir.
"Chief, what is this? Why is this door locked?"
O'Brien, in sotto voce: "I don't need a doctor here, I need
a scientist. Step outside and call Dax. And get Odo too."
Bashir, drily: "Your wish is my command."
DRG: "Who was that?"
"Oh, ah, just Quark. He forgot to collect for the Klingon
"Great! It's here!" He digs into the bag. "Racht?"
"Er. I'm trying to watch my weight."
DRG loads a handful of brown growths into his mouth and
chews meditatively. His forehead creases.
"Strange that Quark would forget to be paid."
The door chimes. O'Brien answers it. Dax, Bashir and Odo
are all there.
Odo: "All right. What's going on here?"
O'Brien, still whispering: "I'm not sure, but there seems to
be a gateway of some kind leading directly to Earth. I just saw
this man walk through it."
"So!" Odo pushes into the room. "Absent without leave, are
DRG points to himself. "Are you talking to me?"
Bashir, entering: "A transporter of that range is completely
beyond our capabilities. The Iconians apparently once had a
technology like this. I'd better get Commander Sisko here.
Bashir to Sisko."
Dax has gravitated over to the stereo system and begun
rooting through the assortment of vintage recordings in various
formats. She gasps and pulls out an LP.
"Look, Odo, Leo Sayer!"
You've got a cute way of talkin',
You've got the better of me.
Just snap your fingers and I'm walkin'
Like a dog hangin' on your leash.
The door chimes. Bashir answers. It's Sisko. "Why is this
door locked?" He sees the gateway.
O'Brien: "It's some kind of transporter, Commander. It goes
all the way to Earth."
"See for yourself." He motions to DRG, who brushes his
hands off and makes to go through.
Odo: "Oh no you don't."
DRG goes through and crosses the square. They all watch.
Bashir: "That's a Henry Moore, isn't it?"
The door chimes. Odo responds. It's Garak.
"Did someone call me?"
"I don't think so."
"My, my, look at that."
Sisko: "Get him out of here!" The door is shut.
DRG steps back through the gateway, eating a bag of popcorn.
Sisko: "Where did you get this?"
"They sell it from little carts."
"No, I mean the technology to build this."
DRG: "I just put it together from spare parts."
O'Brien: "He's right, Commander. There's almost nothing
here that you couldn't get at any halfway sophisticated trading
post. Granted, you'd have to have a decent grasp of various
alien technologies/wonderment/annex-for-creative-arts/star-trek-door-repair-guy/stdrg-s03 /wonderment/annex-for-creative-arts/star-trek-door-repair-guy/stdrg-s03 How did you solve the pattern
integrity horizon problem?"
DRG: "Just needed enough horsepower."
Dax, in the act of loading a ten-CD magazine into the CD
player: "Of course! The percherons!"
Sisko slaps the back of his own head in disbelief. "People.
Listen up a minute. This is top top secret. I cannot go too far
in impressing on you how top secret this is. If this were to
fall into the wrong hands . . ."
*Kira to Sisko. Communication from Gul Ducat.*
*Commander Sisko. Am I to understand that Deep Space Nine
is being used as a test site for offensive transporter-based
weapon delivery systems?*
"You are not. Sisko out!" He looks around in exasperation.
He takes a deep breath and glowers at Door Repair Guy.
DRG: "You know, the thing really doesn't work properly. I
was trying to get to Nepean 6 via an interdimensional gateway
like the one in this weedwacker." He holds it up.
Shot of Sisko, O'Brien, Dax, Bashir, and Odo at a loss for
words before the weedwacker.
"Wow! Back to Door Repair Guy in just a moment, but first
we're on the Internet to see what cyberheads are saying about
Star Trek: DRG online."
Image of Bob replaced by image of computer screen.
"I've got my fav list all lined up here, and why don't we go
into alt.fan.drg? Here's the list of articles. 'Dweenie
contract negotiations.' 'Workboots.' 'Why won't Groucho Marx
answer my e-mail?' Hey, this looks interesting. 'Complete
lyrics to the Nepean song.' Let's see what it says, and you can
sing along." Sings:
It's a wonderful place to be in,
With traffic signs and curbs and drains
And lots and lots of passing lanes.
From everywhere else they're fleein',
To watch the transport trucks unload
Or race the lights on Baseline Road.
Nepean, Nepean --
Cut back to the couch. Two grips are wrestling it out from
"What the --?"
"They're mobbing the building! We need this to barricade
"Back to Door Repair Guy in a second!"]
[Commercial: Q for Q-tips:
Q holds up a blue box of Q-tips, is about to deliver his
endorsement, then remembers who he is, becomes agitated and
squeezes the box so violently that cotton-tipped swabs fly all
over the set.]
The Klingon capital. Weather: wet snow turning to slush.
Cut to the Great Hall. Gowron is in his chair, catching up on
Messenger enters: "joHwI'. be'nI' wejDIch wISamta'." ["My
lord. We have found the third sister."]
Gowron snatches off his bifocals and stands, scattering a
lapful of computer pads across the floor.
"Duj ghaj. DIvI' loghDaq ghoS." ["She has a ship. She is
heading for Federation space."]
"may'Duj yIngeH. yItlha'. yIQaw'." ["Send a battle
cruiser. Pursue. Destroy."]
"jIlobneS." ["I am honoured to obey."] Leaves.
Gowron to the musicians: "nuqDaq may'." ["Where is the
They produce a loud crash.
First musician: "DaH nuq wIreHneS." ["What do we have the
honour to play this time?"]
Gowron rubs his chin meditatively. "Horst. yuQmey. marS."
["Horst. _The Planets._ Mars."]
They begin, playing the Klingon arrangement for horn, drum
Gowron: "maDelIn. qaSu'mey." ["Madeline! Cashews!"]
Second musician to third: "lojmItreH jey." ["Beats
Third musician: [grunts].
A corridor in Deep Space Nine. Jake comes around a corner
carrying a black suitcase. He looks around, sets the suitcase
down, opens it, takes out a tenor saxophone, slips on a pair of
shades, and begins to play.
Odo leaps around the corner.
Jake runs for it.
Space. The stars streak by at warp speed. A K'Vort class
Bird of Prey enters the shot, draws into full profile, and passes
by, but not before the bright burst of a photon torpedo causes
the curve of the vessel's rear deflector shields to come into
Cut to the murky reddish interior of a Klingon ship.
The Weapons Officer turns toward the Captain and barks:
"mup qar. wejmaH vatlhmey yoDmeychaj DIQIH." ["Direct hit.
Their shields are reduced thirty percent."]
Captain: "vatlh vatlhmey yInID." ["Try for one hundred
"lu', joHwi'." ["Yes, my lord."]
The pursuing vessel, a venerable K't'inga class battle
cruiser, roars past, leaving us twisting our fingers in our ears
and wondering whatever happened to that thing about sound not
carrying in a vacuum.
[Commercial: Q for Q-tips:
Q is holding up a Q-tip and considering it. He turns to the
"Can you even begin to imagine the degree to which I don't
care about your earwax?"
Off camera: "Cut!"]
The bridge of the USS Bozeman. Captain Bateson is reclined
in his command chair, his mind several hundred light years away,
and a slightly smug, self-satisfied smile on his face. He blinks
and tilts his head one way and another as his mind free-
associates around the general topic of his appetites. He swivels
his command chair around.
"Bring me a cappuccino, would you? And, and try not to put
too much nutmeg on it this time. It only needs a pinch." He
holds up his fingers to illustrate. "Just a pinch."
"Aye, Captain. A pinch."
"Just a pinch. Thank you."
Communications Officer: "Admiral Nechayev on the line, sir."
He sits up and buckles his lapel.
Nechayev glares down.
*Captain. I'm happy to find you back in the field. I fear
you weren't employing your best skills at Starfleet Command.*
"I suppose some sort of tart reply would be appropriate at
*Captain, a pair of Klingon warships have entered Federation
space and are proceeding at high warp toward your coordinates.
The ships are engaged in a running battle. Your task is to
intercept them and turn them homeward.*
Bateson slams his fist into the armrest.
"We'll blast them to Kingdom Come!"
*Captain. We are allies of the Klingons. This is an
internal Klingon affair which has unfortunately spilled into
Federation space. You must talk them down. Nechayev out.*
"Talk them down. Well, Admiral Nechayev little realizes how
fortunate she is to have real 23rd-century grit and determination
on the scene. Am I right?" He swivels toward the bridge crew.
"Am I right?"
Yeoman: "Your cappuccino, sir."
"Ah, thank you."
"Captain, Klingon vessels on long-range scanner."
"Plot intercept course. Warp 8. Engage."
"Intercept in thirty seconds."
"Hail the Klingons."
"Which ones, Captain?"
"Must I make all the decisions? Ah. Oh. The lead ship!"
"Hailing. No response."
"Then, the other one!"
"Hailing. They are responding."
Shot of the bridge of the K't'inga battle cruiser. A
Klingon turns toward the screen and barks:
"ghonuQQo'. mavang." ["Don't bother us! We're busy!"]
The Klingon hits a control and the transmission ends.
"Captain, the Klingons are within weapons range. Captain!"
Shot of first the K'Vort and then the K't'inga vessels
shooting past the Bozeman.
Bateson: "Um. Does anybody here . . . speak . . . Klingon?"
Closeup of Q. He snaps his fingers and a small blue sphere
appears next to him.
"This is your planet."
He takes a Q-Tip, stirs it around in a can of Quaker State
motor oil, and swabs the planet with it.
"This is your planet on fossil fuels."
"Go look out the window. If you can."
Laughs some more.]
Shot of DS9. Cut to Door Repair Guy's room. He and O'Brien
are discussing the practicalities of various settings on a piece
of Romulan apparatus near the gateway. Sisko is pacing up and
down, waiting for Admiral Nechayev to return his call. Dax is on
the Lazy-boy, wearing the headphones, bobbing her head and
And if you don't love me now,
You will never love me again.
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain.
Kira's voice cuts in:
*Commander. Two Klingon vessels have just entered sensor
range. They're on an intercept course.*
Shot of the stars at warp speed from the K'Vort vessel's
point of view. Suddenly the stars jump down to subwarp and Deep
Space Nine looms up.
A Klingon transporter effect surrounds Door Repair Guy and
removes him from his quarters.
O'Brien: "What the . . . ?"
Exterior shot of Deep Space Nine. The K'Vort-class vessel
does a sudden about-turn and shoots off, pursued closely by the
K't'inga battle cruiser. The wormhole blossoms. The K'Vort
arches inward, releasing a volley of glowing photon torpedoes to
stern. The pursuing K't'inga jolts and skitters sideways in the
detonations as the wormhole closes up.
Kira: *Commander. The first Klingon vessel has entered the
wormhole. The second has suffered extensive damage. Incoming
message from Admiral Nechayev.*
Sisko takes a deep breath.
"Put it through."
*Commander. We're picking up elevated levels of percherons
from your station.*
"You don't say?"
The bridge of the K'Vort-class vessel. Klingons at various
posts around the bridge's perimeter turn and jeer at Door Repair
Guy who is standing, a little disoriented, behind the command
"Qovpatlh." [These are both uncomplimentary.]
The command chair rotates toward him. A Klingon woman
occupies it. She smiles a snaggly grin.
"marghyerIyt jIH. chay' ghamma jogh DaparHa'a'." ["I am
Marguerite. How do you like the Gamma Quadrant?"]
"marghyerIyt DuraS'a'." ["Marguerite Duras?"]
"vIponglu'." ["So I am called."]
A voice from a dark corner: "'ej qeylIS vIponglu'." ["And I
am called Kahless."]
Closeup of the founder of the Klingon nation as he steps
from the shadows, eyes gleaming. Dramatic "To Be Continued"
TO BE CONTINUED
Written by Douglas A. McLeod, firstname.lastname@example.org
Episode 32 — Threshold
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