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Episode 30 — Specs

Last time on Star Trek: Door Repair Guy:

     Defiant leaps out of the shot at warp speed leaving Deep
Space Nine behind, afloat against the Bajoran starfield.  Then,
in a wavering, watery effect, the station vanishes.  For a moment
the constellations fill the shot, alone, until a distant point
swells suddenly to a Borg Cube.  [Choral music.]  
     Dax: "We are being pursued."

And now this week's pulse-quickening instalment:

     Space, the stars streaking past at warp speed.  The Defiant
enters the shot in a three-quarter view, gains on us, and passes
by.  A moment later a Borg Cube appears and likewise expands and
shoots by.
     Cut to the interior of the Defiant.
     Dax, at the Helm: "This ship is fast, but they are gaining."
     Sisko: "Maintain this warp factor.  I don't want to show
them what we can really do in a sprint until we're forced to. 
The longer we keep them focused on catching us the better chance
we have of getting them out of the Bajoran sector entirely."
     Dax: "We're headed in the general direction of Cardassian
space.  Are you planning to cross the border, Benjamin?"
     "Not if I can help it."
     He heads from the command chair to a nagivational station
and pulls up a stellar chart.
     "There are a couple of places on our heading where a small
ship like the Defiant might be able to turn the tables on a
larger one.  I have to think the Borg have never been interested
in purely scientific research.  They've always acquired their
technology by pillaging other cultures.  I want to draw them into
the kind of star system they would not normally have bothered to
visit and turn our curiosity for astrophysical knowledge to our
advantage.  If that doesn't pan out, we'll make a run for the
plasma storms in the Cardassian Badlands."
     He studies the starchart.
     "There it is.  Adjust course bearing 003 mark 4."
     "Course bearing 003 mark 4.  The Borg have altered course
accordingly, and are still gaining on us.  Intercept in thirty-
one minutes at these speeds.  We are now due to pass close by the
Omicron Fraga star system in twelve point five minutes. 
Cartographical records show it to be a quadruple star with highly
irregular gravimetry.  It's surrounded by thousands of broken
planetoids in highly eccentric and unpredictable orbits."  She
turns in his direction.  "Just the place for hide and seek."
     "I hope you've kept your pilot's license up to date. 
Configure sensors for a rapid gravimetric survey.  I want you to
maintain this heading for twelve more minutes, then take her
through the system to the other side.  Once we're sure the Borg
have followed us we'll get in among those planetoids and lay out
a few of those anti-Borg devices we have stacked up in the
     Doctor Bashir enters the bridge, walks over to the
navigational station, leans over Sisko's shoulder and begins to
inspect the cartographical display.
     Sisko: "Pardon me?"
     "Fraga is the Latin word for strawberries.  Fraga, fragorum,
fragis.  Second declension plural."
     "Thank you, Doctor."
     He beams.  "Think nothing of it."

     A starfield.  We move toward the brightest speck, which
grows in luminescence and resolves into a binary star system as
we approach.  Stellar matter forming a bright burning tail arcs
away from the orbiting yellow star and spirals inward forming a
glowing disk around the intense white dwarf star.  We pass close
by.  Voiceover:

     "Crawlspace: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of
the Door Repair Guy.  His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
gone before."

     We approach a planetary system.  The great bulk of a gaseous
giant fills the upper half of the screen.  A jagged asteroid
rolls by, revealing the words:

               Star Trek: Door Repair Guy

     A tiny companion moon tumbles after, revealing the word:


     We close in on a planetoid, and as the mottled surface
speeds across the screen we read:

                    Door Repair Guy as

                    Avery Brooks as
                    Commander Benjamin Sisko

                    Rene Auberjonois as

                    Siddig El Fadil as
                    Doctor Julian Bashir

                    Terry Farrell as
                    Lieutenant Jadzia Dax

                    Cirroc Lofton as
                         Jake Sisko

                    Colm Meany as
                    Chief Miles Edward O'Brien

                    Armin Shimmerman as

                    Nana Visitor as
                    Major Kira Nerys

     We pull up the nose just before impact, clip a power pole,
flip over and crash.

     Beer is filling a glass, roiling and swirling in a nut-brown
undertow and back-eddy.  The camera coasts up the side of the
beer glass, following the upcurrent of bubbles and meeting the
overflow of foam, then pulls back to take in the whole glass from
the beer-wet bartop to the furiously steaming head.  A hand
plonks the bottle down beside the glass.
     Labatt Dry Ice.]

     Underbelly view as Defiant warps by overhead and dwindles
into the distance.  A moment later the Borg ship swooshes past
and warps after in pursuit.
     Cut to cramped crew quarters on the Defiant.  Not Fragile,
his lovely assistant Madeline, and the uncertain technician are
seated on the floor, one in each corner.  Door Repair Guy is
spread out on one of the bunks.
     DRG: "So what's the best part of being a Borg?"
     Not Fragile: "Assimilating people.  Hands down.  There
really is nothing quite as satisfying as taking a member of a new
species and figuring out which parts will fit."
     "So each new species gets a different makeover?"
     "Each person.  Have you ever seen two identical Borg?"
     "Now that you mention it, I haven't.  I always assumed they
were all the same."
     "Yet Madeline and I are quite different."
     "Damn right we are."
     "So how come you all act the same?"
     "The Borg in the Borg ship may all contribute to the same
cause, but they each contribute special qualities.  They are not
totally interchangeable.  It would be a poor choir that had but
one voice.  We Borg are as various as any group -- do not forget
that we are an amalgam of thousands of races --  which in the end
is what makes us susceptible to the individuating virus.  We
would not become individuals if that possibility did not already
exist within us."
     "Cool.  Still, it would be kinda neat to be on the inside,
you know?  To see what it's really like to be part of a crowd
like that."
     "You may yet get your wish."
     The door opens and Dr Bashir enters with a carrier bag slung
over his shoulder.
     The confused technician sits up.  "Doctor, doctor, I have a
     "A 'bum knee': is it a bum or a knee?"
     Madeline snorts.
     "And 'tennis elbow': is it some kind of recreational
implant?  And what about 'fingernails'?  Isn't there a better way
to attach fingers?"
     Not Fragile: "You must excuse him, Doctor.  He's young."
     "It's quite all right.  I trust he's not performing any
     Madeline: "Not any more, he's not!"
     Not Fragile studiously ignores her, but a servomechanism on
his left temple agitates three or four times with a small
whirring sound.
     Bashir: "I actually came to ask you about the subspace
connection the Borg vessel is using to track you.  I thought that
kind of link was dangerous to them."
     Not Fragile perks up.  "They may have developed some kind of
filtering switch or message sterilization protocol, allowing our
subspace communications to act as a beacon without exposing them
to the dangerous contents."
     Bashir: "But then why not just install the switch on all
uncontaminated Borg ships?  That way they could just ignore you."
     Not Fragile: "But you don't understand!  It's a case of
political repression!  They want to stamp out the heretical
Yellow philosophy!"
     Bashir: "Yellow philosophy?"
     Madeline: "Here we go."
     Not Fragile: "The Yellow Party stands for the gradual
assimilation of all humanoids through free market economics and
elective surgery.  I am the President and Treasurer of the Yellow
Party, and as such a prime target.  The Borg Collective would go
to any length to purge the Yellow Party from the galaxy,
including assassination!"
     Bashir: "So you're telling me the Borg are after us to rid
the galaxy of your political party?  How many members have you?"
     DRG holds up one hand as a shield so that the doctor can see
but Not Fragile can't, and then uncurls one finger.
     Not Fragile: "I consider all the persons in this room to be
loyal followers."
     Bashir: "So you're not certain whether the Borg are
receiving the contents of your thoughts or not?"
     "I am convinced that they are!  Why else pursue us with such
tenacity and hatred?"
     "If you're right, and the Borg vessel is in contact with
your thoughts, it can only be a matter of time before they become
contaminated with the individuating virus."
     "This is what I'm telling you!  The Collective has sent this
ship on a suicide mission to destroy us!"
     "Hm.  Then all we have to do is keep out of their range
until the virus takes effect.  How long did it take your old ship
to become disabled?"
     "About a week and a half."
     He lurches.  The Defiant banks.
     "We're entering the Omicron Fraga system.  Perhaps we can
speed the work of the individuating virus."  He reaches into the
carrier bag.  "I want you to read these."  He hands paperbacks to
the three Cauda Lineans.
     "Got any Stephen King?"
     Bashir shoots an annoyed look at DRG.  The ship rocks again.
     *Sisko to Bashir.  Report to the bridge.  And bring that
Door Repair Guy with you.*
     "We're on our way."

[Commercial: The Mangler]

     Bashir and DRG enter the bridge, lurching this way and that.
     Sisko: "Steady as she goes, Dax!"
     "That's easy for you to say, Benjamin!  I've never seen a
more chaotic gravitic environment, let alone piloted it."
     They all lurch to one side, and the lights flicker.
     "Have the Borg followed us in?"
     "Sensors show they are skirting the edge of the system."
     DRG: "Probably waiting to see if we pile up on an asteroid."
     Sisko swings around in his chair.
     "Why did you say that?"
     DRG (suspecting he's in trouble): "I take it back."
     "Sisko to Not Fragile.  Are any of you receiving
communication from the Borg vessel?"
     *We are perceiving distant voices, probably a backwash on
their subspace tracking link.  I heard them wonder when we were
going to pile up on an asteroid.*
     Sisko looks DRG up and down.
     "Just how much Borg inventory are you carrying around?"
     DRG shuffles his feet.
     "I have not brought my specs with me."
     Bashir: "From my observations of this man's case history and
my interactions with the Cauda Lineans, I'd estimate he has about
15% of the Borg norm."
     "Could he integrate himself into a Borg crew?"
     "I don't think so."
     "I don't have the wrist interface coupling."
     "Could Not Fragile install one now?"
     "I'd have to see.  Maybe."
     "Go see.  Dax, is the gravimetric survey complete?"
     "Complete enough.  The gravitic tides in this system are in
a state of constant flux, but some patterns can be made out."
     "Can you suggest a good defensive position?"
     "There are a number of points in the stellar rotation where
planetary material tends to gather.  A Lagrange cluster of sorts
is due to exist ahead of Omicron Fraga 2 and Omicron Fraga 3 for
the next four point two hours, until Omicron Fraga 1 emerges from
behind Omicron Fraga 2 and disperses it."
     "Plot a course using the suns to blind the Borg sensors."
     She checks her console.
     "The best course is between the stars."
     "Will the shields stand up?"
     "Yes. I'm just worried about solar flares.  The yellow and
orange giants exchange quite a lot of stellar matter."
     "If a flare appears, fly under it."
     "That's against Starfleet regulations."
     "Yes, I know, but everybody does it."
     "Changing course now."
     Defiant turns and accelerates toward the multihued clutch of
turning suns.

[Commercial: Kate Mulgrew for Reduced Fat Skippy Peanut Butter]

     View of the four stars of Omicron Fraga in rotation around
one another.  They are: Omicron Fraga 1, an orange giant; Omicron
Fraga 2, a yellow giant with a severe case of sunspots; Omicron
Fraga 3, a red giant in the shape of an Italian tomato; and
Omicron Fraga 4, an intense little blue star weaving around the
other three like a ballpoint in a spirograph.
     Defiant shoots past, heading for the space between the suns.
     Dax: "Twelve seconds to stellar interjacence."
     Shot of the Defiant in stellar interjacence.  The lower
right portion of the screen contains the limb of the yellow star,
the upper right the orange, with the red moving out across the
gap as it slides from behind the orange.  The bright little blue
can be seen in the gap, moving toward the red.  Defiant is a
little speck curving between all this.
     The bridge shakes.
     Sisko: "Report!"
     Dax: "Hull temperature rising!  Impulse engines at seventy
percent efficiency!  This entire area exhibits a shared solar
atmosphere, Benjamin!  I know some astrophysicists who'd be green
with envy!  Dr Nystad has written a fascinating series of papers
comparing the space between closely orbiting stars to the
contiguous topography of the galatic core!  This is the perfect
environment to test his conclusions!  The convection currents
alone . . .  Oh-oh!  Sensors showing an x-ray storm!  Evasive!" 
Everyone's bone structure stands out for a moment.  "Who-o-o-o-a! 
Back on course!  But from a pilot's point of view it's almost
like driving in sand!  Look out!  An asteroid!  My God, it's on
fire!  I have to get a picture.  Diverting replicator energy to
     Cut to Door Repair Guy at replicator, jabbing at the
     "What the . . . !"
     Back to the bridge.
     "Wow, that'll look great on the cover of _Scientific
Tellurian_!  A flare!  Oh!  Full impulse!  Another one!  Yikes! 
Whew!  Decelerated just in time!  Compensating for lateral drift! 
We're nearly clear!  Wait!  I have a problem!  We're losing
headway!  Impulse engines at forty percent!  We're climbing up a
very steep gravitic slope!  There's a lot of mass behind us! 
We're in danger of falling back in!"
     Sisko: "Put her into first."
     She enters the commands.  The vessel shudders, then begins
to gather way.
     "We're clear!"
     "Get to that Lagrange point.  Shields at maximum.  Jockey us
in among those boulders.  Here's your ponytail holder."
     She holds her hand back over her shoulder and takes it, then
wipes the damp strands of hair from her face with the back of her
hand and blows the sweat off the end of her nose.

[Commercial: Nordic Track]

     Shot of Defiant with shields at maximum pushing through the
rubble of the Lagrange point.
     Sisko: "Reading any large masses?"
     Dax: "Coming up on one.  We'll see it as soon as we get
through this gravel.  There it is."
     An asteroid emerges from the debris.  Its surface is covered
with deep rifts, a testimonial to the stresses of its daily
     "Back us into that crevasse.  Shut down unnecessary
     View of Defiant turning and backing into the crevasse like a
     "Do you have a reading on the Borg vessel?"
     "Still orbiting the system."
     "Set the sensors to initiate Red Alert as soon as the Borg
move in, and follow me to the armoury."
     They head out.
     Cut to the cramped crew quarters.  The door swooshes open
and Sisko looks in.
     "We're on the way to the armoury.  Where's that Door Repair
     Dr Bashir: "He went looking for a Jolt Cola."
     "Was the implant operation a success?"
     Not Fragile: "Impossible to tell.  I was forced to improvise
a coupling from materials found in a toolbox.  I did my best."
     Door Repair Guy, coming up: "All the replicators are down. 
Hey, what's up with you three?"
     Madeline (reads): "'Insanity in individuals is something
rare -- but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the
rule.'  Told you."
     Not Fragile: "Hmph.  'My original fall is the existence of
     Madeline: "'What?  A great man?  I always see merely the
play-actor of his own ideal.'"
     Uncertain technician: "'If there is an absurd, it is in
man's universe.'"
     Sisko: "Keep your anti-depressants close at hand, Doctor. 
You come with me."  He grabs DRG by the collar and heads off.

     "Okay!  Back to the Door Repair Guy in a moment, so just
enough time for some calls on the three-line phone and yep we've
got callers so he-e-e-ello, you're on the Couch!"
     *"SanwIj yIqaD" yIreH!*  ["Play 'Take a Chance on Me'!"]
     Bob makes his thinking-of-the-right-answer face.
     "Qo'!  [No!]  Next caller!"
     *"Sov'a' SoSra'" yIreH!*  ["Play 'Does Your Mother Know?'!"]
     "Qo'!"  ["I won't!"]  Boy, those Klingons love their Abba. 
Caller three!"
     *"neH'a' SoH" yIreH!*  ["Play 'Voulez Vous'!"]
     "Qo'!"  ["I refuse!"]
     He sits back and lights up a smoke.
     "I haven't done that in a long time."]

[Commercial: 54 Rock]

     Quark's.  Odo and Kira enter.
     Odo: "What is it this time, Quark?"
     Quark: "Major, are you familiar with the business axiom,
'Location, location, location'?"
     Kira: "I've heard it."
     "Under the present circumstances it leads one to the next
thought, 'What good is a location if your customers can't locate
     "You are referring to the cloaking device?"
     "Yes I am."  
     "Well, you can rest assured we are going to keep the station
cloaked and under communication blackout until Commander Sisko
advises us otherwise."
     O'Brien, from the bar: "Besides . . ."
     They all turn in his direction.
     "We haven't figured out how to turn it off."
     Quark: "Then why aren't you working on it?"
     "I just came off a ten-hour shift with a Romulan up my nose
every five minutes!  I'm entitled to a pint!"
     Jake looks in.
     "Any lines?"
     "Not today."
     "Okay!  See ya!"

[Commercial: LeVar Burton for Intel Pentium Chip]

     The armoury.  On one side are racks of shiny black photon
torpedo casings.  On the other are lockers labelled with serial
numbers and acronyms.  Sisko, Dax and Door Repair Guy enter.
     Sisko: "Now, let's see what new anti-Borg devices Starfleet
Command has come up with.  Computer.  Display inventory. 
Authorization Sisko SLG601."
     The computer screen brings up a menu.  He reads it.
     DRG: "You don't really have a slugging average of .601."
     "No.  That would make the authorization code too easy to
crack.  I'm .423 lifetime."
     "You must've had a great rookie season, that's all I can
     Sisko (ignoring him): "What's this?"
     He puts his finger on an item and searches the wall for the
corresponding serial number.  He finds the locker and opens it,
then pulls out a cylindrical device marked APIS MELLIFERA
SCUTELLATA CORE.  He taps his commbadge.
     "Sisko to Bashir.  Doctor, you know Latin.  Do the words
apis mellifera scutellata mean anything to you?"
     *Honey bees of some kind.*
     DRG: "Killer bees!"
     Dax: "There's a manual."
     Sisko's hands are full so he motions with his head to DRG
who reaches in and passes the manual to Dax.  Dax flips through
the index, then thumbs her way to the heart of the manual.
     "Okay.  According to these specs the purpose of this device
is to release hundreds of killer bees into the Borg vessel."
     Sisko holds the cylinder to his ear.
     "It is buzzing/wonderment/annex-for-creative-arts/star-trek-door-repair-guy/stdrg-s03 /wonderment/annex-for-creative-arts/star-trek-door-repair-guy/stdrg-s03  What do we do?"
     Dax: "Lock the AMS Core into a photon torpedo casing.  Fire
a regular torpedo at the Borg vessel to create a breach, then
follow with the AMS torpedo before the damaged area has time to
regenerate.  The bees will be released into the Borg vessel in a
highly agitated state."
     DRG: "It's so crazy it might just work!"
     Sisko: "Then how come you don't very often?"
     Red Alert sounds!
     "Damn!  They're moving in!  Dax, get this weapon armed and
loaded.  You!  You've been on a Borg ship before?"
     DRG: "Yeah.  Lotsa times."
     "Is that interface ready to go?"
     DRG holds up his hand.  Colour-coded electrical wiring pokes
out of his sleeve.
     "Get your toolbox.  When I give the signal I want you to use
your personal transporter to cross over to the Borg ship. 
Interface with it if you can.  Cause as much disruption as you
can manage.  God knows you're good enough at it on Deep Space
Nine.  Once the destruction of the Cube is underway we'll beam
you out."
     "What if it goes the other way and the Borg win?"
     "Then at least you'll know where your next meal is coming
     He leaves.  DRG turns his wrist over and over with a
thougthful look on his face.

     The bridge.  The Defiant shakes.  Sisko staggers in and
climbs into the command chair.  Dax follows moments later and
relieves the nameless faceless ensign at the Helm.
     "Status report!"
     "The Borg are at the periphery of the debris field.  They
are directing a cutting beam at this asteroid.  They're carving
it up."
     "Bring us out of the field using the asteroid for cover. 
Then reverse course and execute attack pattern Alpha Shortstop
Ozzie Smith.  Fire photon spread followed by AMS torpedo.  Then
Warp 9.9 for the Badlands.  Go!"
     Shot of Defiant emerging from its crevasse just as the
cutting beam bursts through the asteroid.  Viewscreen point of
view as the ship pushes through the orbiting gravel into the
clear starlight.  Defiant accelerates, then reverses, comes
around the debris field, and fires torpedoes into the immobile
Borg Cube.
     "Door Repair, that's your signal!"
     DRG makes a face suggesting this'll be more trouble than
it's worth, picks up his toolbox, and activates his personal
     Defiant rounds the Cube and bursts off into warp.  A moment
later the Cube jumps into pursuit.
     A terrace deep within the Borg Cube.  The scene rocks with
the detonation of the photon torpedoes.  A green transporter
effect appears and becomes Door Repair Guy.  Two Borg turn their
heads and glare angrily.
     First Borg: "Six trillion citizens and they send Door Repair
     Second Borg: "This situation is screwing up worse and
     They step out of their bays and advance on DRG, grab him by
the arms, and push him into an empty bay.
     First Borg: "Interface!"
     Second Borg: "Hurry up!"
     DRG: "Ah.  Oh.  Hang on a minute.  I need a screwdriver."
     Shot of DRG's face as he screws himself in, trying to look
in control of things and not really managing.
     "So how come you guys know my name?"
     The two Borg exchange impatient glances and one of them
sticks out his tongue.  On the top of the tongue is the tab of
the end of a roll of ticker tape.  He pulls the tab and unwinds
about a foot and a half of tape with lettering on it.  The Borg
tears it off and holds it up in front of DRG's eyes.  It says:

                    FIND OUT NEXT WEEK

Written by Douglas A. McLeod, ai919@ncf.carleton.ca

Episode 30 — Specs

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