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Episode 28 — Renewal

               The following programme contains
               strong language and adult situations.
               Parental discretion is advised.

The blackness of space.
Fade in the words:

                    Star Trek: Door Repair Guy

Fade to black.
Voiceover (continues through subsequent fade-ins):

     "Crawlspace: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of
the Door Repair Guy.  His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
gone before."

Fade in the word:


Fade to black.
Fade in the words:

                    Door Repair Guy as

Fade to black.
Fade in the words:

                    Gary Shandling as
                         Gul Piller

Fade to black.
Fade in the words:

                    Rip Torn as
                         Gul Berman

Fade to black.
Fade in the words:

                    The Cast of Deep Space Nine as

Fade to black.
Fade in the words:

                         And a Bear.

[Commercial: "muD" ("l'Ambiance")
     "muD: New World blood wine made the Home World way."]

     A busy corridor at Paramount.  Gul Berman leans out of his
office and shouts down the corridor toward Reception:
     "Madeline, my sweet, we're out of coffee filters!"
     Gul Piller jostles his way along the corridor reading a
piece of mail.  Gophers with wheeled carts dodge past him.
     Berman: "Top o' the morning to ye, me lad.  And to what do
we owe . . ."
     Colm Meaney walks past and gives Berman a narrow look.
     "And to what do we owe this unexpectedly early appearance?"
     Piller looks up from his letter.
     "Huh?  Oh, nothing.  Just a meeting."
     "What about?"
     "Ah, so young, and so full of bullshit.  It's got to be
something good to drag you in here" (he consults his Rolex with a
flourish) "on the sun-up side of eight-oh-five."
     "It's nothing, okay?  A story meeting with the Voyager
staff.  They want to know what to do with all the French
references in the pilot."
     "Leave 'em in!  That'll serve Mademoiselle Genevieve
Twoshoes.  Walk off my set!  You can be damned sure she'll never
sit in a Captain's chair again!"
     "You know, don't tell anyone, but I heard she was doing B5."
     "No!  Those backstabbing . . . !  Say, maybe if I drop a
word in the ear of one of Spielberg's people we can get her
buried alive on Earth 2."  He grins like an alligator at the
thought.  "So what has a fella to do to get some mail around
     Gul Piller puts the letter behind his back.
     "You might check your In tray."
     "Is that where you got that?  I seem to recall your
secretary is in the other direction."
     "No.  It was under my windshield wiper."
     "You took it from my In tray.  You're in cohoots with that
Madeline, aren't you?  Don't lie to me."
     "No.  Lie to you?  Listen to yourself."
     "That's my mail."
     "I . . .  Will you listen to yourself?"
     "That's my mail.  Give it to me.  I fought in Korea."
     "You can stand there and tell me I steal your mail?  After
all the . . .  Can you believe what you're saying?"  He looks at
the letter.  "Oh, my God.  It *is* your mail.   What an
incredible . . .  Somebody's got to do something about the mail
service around here.  No wonder Generations got out.  I'm going
to talk to Security."  He begins to slip away.
     "Give me that."  Berman grabs the letter and slams the
office door behind him.
     A moment later he emerges again.  "Shit!"  He looks at the
letter again.  "Shit!"  He storms down the corridor.
     "Which way did he go?"
     Madeline and Colm Meaney straighten up.
     The Gul gives them an evil look and heads off to the set.
     Meaney: "Gobshite."
     "I heard that, and no, you can't have eight weeks off to
film that haycart!"
     "It's a van!"
     Gul Berman crosses the parking lot to Stage 17.  The
security guard admits him.  Berman takes him by the shoulder and
crushes his hand.
     "You're doing a wonderful job!"
     He barrels along the backhand side of several sets.  He
passes by one of the door-opening grips.  He grabs his hand.
     "Great work on Generations!"
     He reaches the bar set.  They're blocking a scene.
     Morn holds up his hand to ask a question.
     "You want me to take a drink, but what's my motivation?"
     Jonathan Frakes: "You're in love."
     "Oh.  I see that.  Okay."
     "Superior directing, Jonathan!  Have you seen Piller?"
     "I heard he was heading for Makeup."
     "Excellent.  One door in, one door out!"  He charges off
toward Makeup.
     Frakes leans back and crinkles up the skin around his eyes.
     "Some day that'll be me."
     Berman barrels along one of the Paramount lot streets.  He
reaches a trailer, yanks open the door, and shouts, "I've got you
now, you little weasel!"
     An extra in full Selayan regalia steps down, giving Berman
the evil eye.  They circle around each other.  Berman climbs up
and looks in.  The makeup people are processing Bajorans.
     "Anyone see Gul Piller?"
     They all shake their heads.
     Gul Berman steps out of the trailer and rubs his chin. 
There's an mass expulsion of held-in breath in the trailer.
     "That's the fastest Selayan I've ever done."

[Commercial: Salon Selective]

     The editor of the official Door Repair Guy magazine is
interviewing Door Repair Guy in the offices of the publicity
department of Paramount Studios.
     DRGM: "The Nielsen ratings have not been as good this year
as they were for your first season.  Do you attribute this to the
switch from the Enterprise to Deep Space Nine?"
     DRG: "No.  It's just a practical joke.  I spoke to Leslie
about it and he said he'd lay off next season."
     DRGM: "Hm.  So far there has been no sustained love interest
for your character.  Do you anticipate any sort of movement in
that direction on the part of the writers?"
     DRG: "Well, there was that Klingon gal in 'Stomping Ground'. 
She's a regular on _American Gladiators_.  We went out the night
we wrapped that episode."
     DRGM: "You went out?  How did that go?"
     DRG: "I'm feeling much better now."
     DRGM: "What about next season?"
     DRG: "I don't know why they haven't paired me up with Terry
Farrell.  She hangs out with Ferengi."
     DRGM: "And Klingons."
     DRG: "And Klingons, you're right.  But she also likes lost
composers.  So she should see my eight-track collection."
     DRGM: "What have you got there?"
     DRG: "I designed it.  It's a garage door opener."
     DRGM: "Looks like a Type 2 phaser."
     DRG: "Cool, isn't it?  I'm trying to get it licensed but
guess who says it's not authentic."
     DRGM: "Gul Berman!"
     DRG: "Good guess!  That lowdown good-for-nothing snake-oil
salesman.  I have half a mind . . ."
     DRGM: "No, I mean, Gul Berman is standing behind you."
     DRG twists around and jumps to his feet.
     Berman: "I agree with you 100 percent.  I mean about the
part about having half a mind."
     DRG: "I was just telling this guy about the big third season
story arc."
     Berman: "It'll be the golden arches for you if you spill any
more plotlines.  Loose lips sink ships!  Got it?"
     The receptionist: "So, who's goin'a fix the photocopier?"
     Berman stares down Door Repair Guy, who picks up his toolbox
and heads into the adjoining photocopy room.
     Berman to DRGM: "Now, don't get the idea we have anything
against the press here at Star Trek: Door Repair Guy!  Everything
that's said is in good fun!"
     DRGM: "I was actually waiting for Terry Farell when he
walked in.  Is it true he started out as a grip on _T.J.
     Berman: "He operated the doors on Next Generation for five
years.  Seasons one, three, four, five and six."
     DRGM: "What about season two?"
     Berman: "No one knows."
     In the photocopy room DRG runs into Terry Farrell.  She's in
her Dax makeup and uniform making photocopies on the one
functioning machine.  DRG pulls a panel off the other
photocopier, crouches down, and scratches under his chin.
     TF: "They make you fix photocopiers too?"
     DRG: "It's in my contract."
     TF: "Look.  Here's my agent's card."
     DRG: "That is my agent."  
     TF: "Yikes!"
     DRG: "What are you copying?"
     TF: "The Jadzia Dax Fan Club bulletin.  It's called _Trill
of a Lifetime_.  Isn't that great?"
     DRG: "Very cool!  My one's called _MYFF_."
     TF: "MYFF?"
     DRG: "Mind your . . . ah, fingers."
     TF: "Mind your fingers?"
     DRG: "First Law of Door Repair."
     TF: "I see.  What does the extra F stand for?"  
     DRG: "It would be impolite to say."
     TF: "Oh."
     The conversation peters out and DRG gets to work on the
broken copier.  He tinkers with it for a while, then stands back,
lifts up his ball cap, and scratches his head.
     "I can't find anything wrong with this.  Who called it in?"
     "Company lawyer.  They're suing a fan for using the word
Enterprise in a novel, and he wanted to make a copy of the
     "O-o-o-o-h, well, there's the problem.  This is a Canon
     A moment's silence, punctuated by the sound of Dax's
     TF: "I wonder what they're doing out there."
     They both glance through the glass window set over the
malfunctioning photocopier.  In the next room Gul Berman is
lecturing the editor of the official Star Trek: Door Repair Guy
magazine (not to be confused with _MYFF_, the Door Repair Guy fan
club magazine) who is taking copious notes.  Gul Berman is
leaning against some of the publicity department's desktop
publishing equipment.  The letter in his hand is poised over a
flatbed optical scanner.
     TF: "I wonder what that letter says.  You know, there's a
rumour going round that I'll be made Captain of the Defiant next
     DRG: "But you're just a lieutenant!"
     TF: "It all comes clear in the season finale!"
     DRG: "Right."
     TF: "Right.  Look where his hand is.  If we could just
activate that optical scanner we'd know what that letter said."
     DRG: "How are we supposed to do that?"
     TF: "What is that thing?"
     DRG: "It's my Type 2 phaser garage door opener."
     TF: "Do you think we could modify it so it could activate
that optical scanner?"
     DRG: "We'd have to [tech] it."
     TF: "You've got a [tech] in you toolbox right there.  All we
have to do is [tech] the [tech].  I'll bet that'd work."
     DRG: "All right, smarty pants, you do it."
     She modifies the Type 2 phaser garage door opener using the
[tech].  She holds up the phaser, angles it around the doorframe,
and fires.  The flatbed optical scanner comes to life and scans
the letter in Gul Berman's hand.  High fives in the photocopy
     Gul Berman breaks the editor's hand with a handshake, waves
goodbye, reminds the receptionist that she's doing a superb job,
and leaves.  Terry Farrell and Door Repair Guy descend on the
flatbed optical scanner, push some buttons, and grab at the
hardcopy rolling out of the printer.  TF gets it first and reads
it eagerly.  Her mouth falls open.
     DRG grabs it and reads.
     Close-up of them looking at the hardcopy and at each other,
aghast.  Fade to commercial.

[Commercial: Canon copiers]

     Fade back from commercial.  Terry Farrell and DRG run for
the door.  The receptionist tosses her pencil into her empty
coffee mug, rises, nonchalantly strolls over to the optical
scanner, and makes another copy.  She brings it back to her desk,
reading as she goes, puts the phone under her chin, speed-dials
with the eraser end of the pencil, and sits back.
     "Madeline?  Hi.  Rhonda.  Guess what.  They're cancelling
DRG.  Yeah.  Well, they lost Pittsburgh for next season.  Yeah,
and some other places.  Australia and Ireland.  And Pembroke. 
Where is that?  No.  Head of Entertainment.  Yeah.  Says he
always knew three series were too many.  Uh huh.  No, I'm fine. 
No!  It doesn't effect you at all!  Come on!  How many people can
it effect?  (Laughs.)  That's right.  Okay.  Yeah.  Bye."

     The Selayan is fidgetting on Gul Piller's leather couch.
     The intercom sounds.  He jumps up and crosses to the desk.
     "I said no calls."
     *It's Door Repair Guy.  He*
     The door opens.  DRG enters halfway, forgetting he still has
his lock-pick in his hand.
     "Are you busy?  I could come back."
     Piller touches his forehead with his fingertips like he has
a headache.
     "Now's not really a good time."
     "Because I could come back later."
     "I think that would be best."
     DRG enters a little further.
     "Maybe lunch?"
     "Oh, gee, I don't know.  I'm really full up.  Later would be
     "I understand.  No.  Really.  Later is good.  I'll just come
back . . . later."
     "That would be great.  I'll look forward to it."
     "Okay.  Later."
     He slides out the door.  The door hovers open about half an
     Piller: "So long!  See you later!"
     The door hovers a moment more, then clicks shut.
     Piller goes to his computer.
     "Recognize Gul Piller, Other Executive Producer, Door Repair
     He inputs "s".
     *Do you wish to send some Electronic Mail?*
     He inputs "y".
     He leans forward and begins to type.

     Gul Berman is crossing a parking lot shouting into a
cellular phone.  It's the same parking lot that was enclosed and
flooded for the scenes near the end of STIV in which the crew of
the Bounty abandon ship and splash around in San Francisco Bay. 
It was also Chesapeake Bay in _Patriot Games_ with Harrison Ford.
In fact, Gul Berman spots Ford getting into a car on the other
side of the parking lot and interrupts his call long enough to
shout, "Harrison!  Hey, pal!  _Fugitive_!  Great dive!" and give
an enthusiastic thumbs up.  Ford, in dark glasses, freezes in the
act of squeezing into the driver side door, searches frowning for
the source of the shout, spots Gul Berman, flashes a grin and
waves, gets in, and drives away.  Berman turns his attention back
to the cell phone and says, "No, you little bag of dirt, I said
you can tell your advertisers I'll put in seven commercial breaks
and if that isn't good enough for them I've got the number of a
monkey wrangler who'd be only too pleased to ship a couple of
trained orangutans out there to provide them with the kind of
service they really have in mind!"  He smacks the hood of a
vermilion 1976 Pontiac Firebird as he makes this last point,
activating the anti-theft device and causing the car to begin
honking, claxoning, and declaring:
     *Car body has been electrified.  Do not attempt to enter. 
Contact with metal surface will result in death.  Stand back. 
Car body has been electrified.  Do not attempt to enter.  Contact
with metal surface will result in death.  Stand back*
     He stomps off toward his office.  Across the parking lot the
uniformed attendant speaks into a walkie-talkie and in no time
messengers have begun to comb the studio lot for the owner, a Mr
D.R. Guy.

[Commercial: Amigo]

First article is #1002056, last article is #1002070

  R1002056.  Re: Klingon blood wine available in California? 
   1002057.  Spock dies in STII??!!
   1002058.  Possible YATI in Generations (**Spoilers**)
  R1002056.  Re: Lynch's Spoiler Review [DRG] "The Orb"
   1002057.  Are Nanites Gay?
  R1002070.  Who the %&!> is DRG??!!

  c = Contribute a new article
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     Gul Berman: "Any messages?"
     Madeline: "Did you check your e-mail today?"
     "E-mail!  When I started out we used the good old reliable
US Mail!  In those days they knew about discipline.  They were
practically a branch of the military: Army, Navy, Air Force,
Marines, Coast Guard, Post Office Department.  Next day delivery. 
Touched the brim of their hat when they spoke to you.  In an
emergency you picked up the phone.  E-mail!"
     "Your e-mailbox is 354% full."
     "Yeah?  Be a sweetheart and deal with it, will you?  I have
to make some calls."
     He slams his door.  Madeline swivels to the computer screen,
accesses the e-mailbox, pops her gum, and deletes all 937

[Commercial: Bell Telephone.
     "I switched to one of those other carriers, but it wasn't
long before I realized I'd made a big mistake.  One time, I was
phoning an out-of town supplier, and an operator came on and said
all the lines were busy.  I tried again and I heard a voice say,
'Watson, come here, I need you.'  What was that all about?  And
another time I was talking to my friend Bev in Rangoon, and
President's Choice Peanut Sauce started coming out of the
receiver.  I mean, come on.  That's when I switched back to

     The offices of Digital Magic.
     One of the video image artists sits back from his terminal
and rubs his eyes.
     "Man, this is worse than stripping furniture."
     A co-worker walks by.
     "Done yet?"
     "Yeah, all done."  He looks at his watch.  "Ten o'clock.  Is
that a.m. or p.m.?"
     "Wow.  Eighteen hours."
     He runs the finished image on the monitor.  We see the two
transport ships from Star Trek: Generations drifting helplessly. 
Blue lightning runs over the hull of one of them.  But the
enormous energy ribbon familiar to movie-goers is gone, replaced
by an innocent starfield.
     "You know, I had an Auntie Meridian once.  She left me her
cedar chest."
     "All my aunt left me was a wooden leg."
     "And when did you last get some sleep?"
     Gul Berman trundles in, brimming with vim, vigour and
     "Is that the effect for 'Renewal'?"
     "Just finished."
     "Magnificent work!  Can't say I've ever seen anything so
lifelike!  Unfortunately, we can't use it.  Here's the new
ending.  And here's a cassette you'll need.  The effect's
described on pink page 41.  I need it by five.  Ciao, guys!"
     He barrels off.  They stare at the cassette.
     "This calls for drugs."
     The video artist pulls open a drawer and produces a waxed
bag of coffee beans.  He unfolds the top, pours a small heap into
his hand, and downs them.

     Gul Piller emerges from his office and is nearly run down by
a catering cart.  The delivery man wheels it up to Reception and
demands, "Who's going to sign for this?"
     Piller: "Oh God, the cake."
     Madeline: "Oh God, the cake."
     Delivery guy: "Yeah, yeah.  Sign here."
     Madeline: "It goes to Stage 17."
     Delivery guy, already on the way: "Yeah, yeah."

     Stage 17.  The cast and crew are gathered round the buffet. 
The cake rests in the middle, as yet untouched.
     DRG is slouched in a director's chair.
     "First somebody tries to steal my car, then my show gets
     Quark: "Twenty-eight episodes.  That beats the animated
     Odo: "But it's not sixty-five."
     Jake: "So that means no syndication, right?"
     Kira: "You got that right."
     DRG: "Hey, what if they reran it with the animated series?"
     Odo: "That's still only thirty-nine hours."
     DRG: "Well, suppose they cut each DRG in half and put 'TO BE
CONTINUED' at the end of each half hour, and ran it with the
animated series?  Then there'd be seventy-eight half-hour
     Odo: "You're grasping at straws."
     He glances at his hands.  He *is* in the process of mangling
two handfuls of drinking straws.
     Gul Piller walks up, still in Selayan makeup.
     "People.  I just wanted to say . . ."  --he gestures to the
cake, searching for words-- "it was great while it lasted.  I
think we put out some really good product here . . . but tastes
change, and now it's time to move on to something else.  This
show'll always have a special place in my . . . in all our
hearts.  Next year, when you're all doing hospital dramas, I know
there'll come a time when you're leaning over a patient and all
you'll be able to think of is, 'Hypospray'.  So . . . if you'll
excuse me . . . I'll just . . . ."  He gestures over his shoulder
with one finger and wanders off.  They all stare after him.
     Kira: "Who *was* that?"
     Gul Berman barrels in.
     "All right, people, you've had your break.  Let's get to it. 
We've got five pages to put in the can before I have to start
paying double time."  He starts handing out pink pages.
     Frakes: "But what about Pittsburgh?"
     "Pittsburgh!  They were like putty in my hands.  But we'll
have to step lively if we want to keep Pembroke."
     Kira: "Where's Pembroke?"
     Berman: "I don't know, but they're a major, major affiliate,
Major, so let's not let them down."  He checks his watch. 
"They're flying their man in as we speak.  Here, you.  Eat that."
     He points to the cake.
     The Door Fek'lhr grasps his belly and roars.
     O'Brien: "What about Ireland?"
     Berman puts his arm around his shoulders.
     "I did all I could."
     "That's bloody excellent.  They can't see me in the movies,
and now they can't see me on TV.  I'm after calling my agent."
     He stomps off.
     The Executive Producer thinks about this, turns abruptly and
begins to hunt down Door Repair Guy.  DRG sees him coming,
retreats, but gets cornered behind a set without any wild (i.e.
movable) walls.
     "Hey!  Buddy!"
     "I didn't realize the Generations script was in that
envelope, I swear it."
     "Say, that's all water under the bridge now.  You ought to
take a break from LA.  Recharge those creative batteries.  Did
you ever drive a van?"
     "A van?  Cool!"

     View of an enormous spherical space vessel looming up and
dwarfing Deep Space Nine.
     Kira: "It's enormous."
     Dax: "They're hailing."
     Sisko: "On screen."
     We see the severe, disapproving face of Balok from "The
Corbomite Maneuver" (original airdate November 10th, 1966).
     Balok: "We have spent a century analyzing your civilization,
and it has been found wanting!  Prepare to be destroyed!"
     Sisko: "If you must.  But be warned.  This station is
constructed entirely of [glances down at script] owatanite.  Any
hostile action on your part will result in your destruction."
     Balok glares down without responding.
     Kira: "He's thinking it over."
     Sisko: "Dax, Doctor, you're with me."
     They follow him onto the transporter pad.
     O'Brien: "You'd better bend down.  It's low in there."
     They hunch over.  The transporter effect surrounds them and
they materialize in a low-ceilinged hallway.  They glance around. 
Sisko bumps his head.  White curtains wave in a slight breeze. 
     Dax: "Brrr.  Did you ever see Twin Peaks?"
     Bashir: "Just the first half dozen episodes or so."
     "You didn't miss much.  It went downhill really quickly."
     "Wasn't the guy who played Rumpelstiltskin in that?"
     "Michael John Anderson!"
     Sisko: "Look!"
     They approach the artificial head of Balok.
     Dax: "Just like in the Wizard of Oz."
     Sisko: "That's it!  No more twentieth century references for
the next half hour!"
     They follow a winding passage made of curtains and enter a
round chamber surrounded by arches.  On the other side of the
chamber is a couch, and on the couch is Bob Cowan.
     Bob: "Ok-a-a-ay!  Welcome back to Fesarius!  [Takes out a TV
Guide.]  Just wanted to bring you up to date on a few upcoming
highlights.  Starting this Thursday at 7:30 p.m. we'll be
invading the Delta Quadrant.  Those Borg don't know if they're
coming or going, so it shouldn't take much time at all.  So don't
miss that.  Then it's on to the Andromeda Galaxy and a fast-
paced, fun-filled exploration of the life with the ornithoids. 
Followed by Cheers." 
     Sisko: "I think the end of this episode will be followed by
cheers.  What a turkey!"
     Frakes: "Cut!  Avery, we're on a tight schedule.  Please
stick to the script."
     Bob: "When do we drink the tranya?"

     [Credits.  Theme music starts up but then fades out. 
Voiceover (Tim Curry): "And now an announcement of interest to
all viewers of Star Trek: Door Repair Guy.  We are pleased to
announce that Door Repair Guy will continue to be seen on
(voiceover by Bob Cowan: "CHRO") television.  We know you will be
looking forward to seeing the weekly adventure in space on Door
Repair Guy.  I know I will.  Bwahahahahahaha."]

     Shot of Gul Berman with his arm around Tim Curry as they
walk away down a corridor at Paramount.
     "Great voiceover, Tim!  Simply rivetting!  If that doesn't
keep them sitting up on their little tails through the reruns I
don't know what will!"
     "You know I'm only too glad to help out, Gul."
     "Have you got anything lined up for next season?"
     "Not yet, but I'm flying out to Dublin tonight.  I just
landed the part of Jimmy Rabbitt Senior in _The Van_."
     "They couldn't have chosen a better man for the part!"
     "Oh, gosh.  I'm blushing all over.  Thanks.  You've all been
so great.  You've made me feel right at home.  Did you know I
have the same agent as Terry Farrell?"
     "No!  What a small world!"
     "Isn't it, though?"
     They turn the corner.  
     A bear-wrangler comes into the shot, leading a large brown
bear, and reading the directions on a piece of paper.
     "I know the Continuity Department's around here somewhere."

Written by Douglas A. McLeod,

Episode 28 — Renewal

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