The Snapper


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Episode 22 — The Snapper


     View of space station Deep Space Nine.
     Security Chief Odo approaches a security cell containing a
hungover Bajoran, a similarly demoralized Bolian, and a human in
Klingon costume.  The human is playing hacky sack with a Granny
Smith apple.
     "Wakey wakey, rise and shine.  I hope you all had a good
night's sleep.  You two drunk and disorderlies may want to brush
your teeth.  The District Judge will be docking in twenty
minutes.  Maintenance Technician Door Repair Guy, the pleasure of
your company has been requested at Station Ops.  Please follow
me."
     Door Repair Guy allows the apple to drop onto his right
bootspike and follows Odo out into a corridor.
     "You'll be pleased to hear that you've set a station record
for late arrival of assigned personnel.  Your effects were
delivered by the Enterprise eighty-seven days ago.  Add to that
your thirteen day layover at Starbase 106, which I understand you
spent performing gaseous beverage propulsion tests instead of
your duties, and we get an even one hundred days.  I might point
out that during the Cardassian regime the penalty for absence
without leave was expulsion from one of the docking airlocks. 
Here we are.  Your new quarters.  You'll find your personal
belongings and a clean change of clothes inside.  I suggest you
shower.  Try to make it five minutes or less.  I'm a busy man."
     Odo keys the entry code and the door slides open.  Door
Repair Guy peers inside.  We see a heap of cargo containers in
the middle of the room.
     "My stuff!"
     He goes in.  The door closes.  Odo crosses his arms and
rocks on his heals, pausing once to remind someone to move along. 
Door Repair Guy emerges in a crisp set of orange overalls,
workboots and a new baseball cap bearing a Starfleet emblem and
the words DOOR REPAIR.
     "This way."
     They traverse several corridors and enter a turbolift.  It
starts away just as DRG realises the car is not enclosed.
     "You could lose an arm in one of these things!"
     "Then see that you don't."
     They emerge at Ops.  Dax, Nerys and O'Brien all turn and
look.
     "Mr O'Brien.  Your missing door repairman.  I hope Commander
Sisko leaves him in one piece."  Odo re-enters the turbolift.  "I
don't envy you, my young friend."  He departs.
     O'Brien steps up.
     "I wish you hadn't taken so long to show up.  I need every
hand I can get around here, but you're no good to me if Commander
Sisko takes you apart."
     Dax: "Perhaps he'll go easy on him.  He has mellowed a bit."
     Major Kira looks from Dax to O'Brien, clearly doubting it.
     The art deco doors to Sisko's office slide open and Sisko
emerges.  He looks down at Door Repair Guy.
     "You're late."
     He goes back into his office.  The doors click shut behind
him.
     The staff let out a collective breath.
     Door Repair Guy looks around.
     "Is that it?"
     O'Brien: "Is that it?  Are you serious?  He tore a strip off
you!"
     "Oh.  Phwoof.  Are my ears burning."


     An icy asteroid rolls by, spewing cometary material.
     "Crawlspace.  The final frontier.  These are the voyages of
The Door Repair Guy.  His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
gone before."
     Deep Space Nine space station drifts into view.  A runabout
shoots past, revealing the words:


               Star Trek: Door Repair Guy


                         Starring

                    Door Repair Guy as
                         Himself

                    Avery Brooks as
                         Commander Sisko

                    Rene Auberjonois as
                         Odo

                    Siddig El Fadil as
                         Doctor Bashir

                    Terry Farrell as
                         Lieutenant Dax

                    Cirroc Lofton as
                         Jake Sisko

                    Colm Meany as
                         Chief O'Brien

                    Armin Shimerman as
                         Quark

                    Nana Visitor as
                         Major Kira

                    Rosalind Chao as
                         Keiko O'Brien

                    Max Grodenchik as
                         Rom

                    and Hanna Hatae as
                         Molly O'Brien

     The runabout shoots by again, just as the wormhole does its
picture postcard thing.


[Commercial: "SEGA!"]


     The O'Brien residence.  Miles enters through the art deco
Cardassian doors and looks around.
     "Where's the snapper?"
     "Miles Edward O'Brien, I wish you would stop calling your
daughter `the snapper'.  You make her sound like some kind of a
fish.  Oh!  Now I see!  You're making fun of my family because we
eat sushi!  I knew I never should have married you!  You Irish
are such bigots!  It's bad enough you can't get along with one
another, you have to make up nicknames for everybody else!  My
mother told me, but did I listen?  Well, I'll tell you something. 
If I ever eat another potato again it'll be too soon!"
     "Keiko, it's just an expression!  It's like calling her a
kid.  I've got nothing against sushi."
     "Uh huh!"
     "Really!"
     "You're not kidding me?"
     "On my mother's grave!"
     "You're sure."
     "Cross my heart."
     "Well . . . all right.  Come here."
     She gives him a hug.
     "I guess I'm just a little tense.  I had a hard day at
school.  I found out Nog was buying up the other students' school
supplies and reselling them on the Bajoran black market."
     "They're easily replicated."
     "When the replicators work!"
     "I'll get straight to it."
     "No, hold on!  Give me a cuddle.  I thought perhaps this
evening . . . you know."
     "Ah, sure.  I thought I'd just pop around to Quark's,
though, you know, for a pint."
     "Well, all right, but be back by eight."
     He hurries off.
     "And Miles!  Tomorrow I'm checking the linguistics banks,
and if I find out that `snapper' is a derogatory term for
Japanese people I'm coming straight down to Ops with my phaser
set on heavy stun."
     "Jaysis!"


     Quark's.  Morn is slumped at one end of the bar beside a
Labatt 36er.  O'Brien enters and takes the seat beside him. 
Quark hurries over, drying his hands on a bar towel.
     "Chief O'Brien, in from a hard day's work!  Ready for a
small reward for a job well done.  The usual?"
     "Ah.  Yeah.  Sure.  Did he drink all that?"
     Quark reaches under the bar and produces an empty keg.
     "Thank goodness for free trade."
     Doctor Bashir sits down at the next seat.
     "Chief."
     "Doctor."
     Bashir gives Morn a professional glance.
     "Let me know if he starts shaking uncontrollably, would
you?"
     "Don't worry, Doctor, I always look after my customers.  The
moment he becomes unfit to pilot a shuttlecraft you'll be the
first to know."
     "That's a relief."
     Quark brings over a pint of black Guinness, settles it
ceremoniously on a cardboard coaster in front of O'Brien, and
stands back with a napkin draped over his forearm.  O'Brien
shifts in his chair, eyeing the pint critically.
     "There's an old Irish saying, `The closer to Dublin, the
better the Guinness.'"
     Bashir: "So conversely . . . ."
     "Gentlemen, please.  I have this flown in directly from the
manufacturer at considerable expense.  I don't make a penny on
it, I assure you, unless of course it facilitates the flow of
valuable information."
     Bashir makes an "I thought so" face.  O'Brien looks up with
a foam moustache.
     "Huh?  What information?"
     "That new maintenance man of yours.  I hear he's quite open-
handed when it comes to paying for rounds.  A real pal.  They say
he's part Borg."
     "Who?  Door Repair Guy?  He looked normal to me.  Where do
you get this stuff?"
     The camera follows Quark's glance down the bar where the
Pakled traders Barchibod and Malakod are hoisting drinks.
     "You hear things when you run a bar.  I'm a bit surprised I
haven't seen him in here yet.  Do you Federation types have him
under wraps or something?"
     "No.  It's nothing like that.  He was late showing up for
his assignment.  Commander Sisko put him on vole duty."
     Cut to Door Repair Guy slithering along a service conduit
with a phaser and a flashlight.
     "Here, voley, voley, voley.  Ha!"
     Phaser fire bursts along the narrow crawlspace.  There's a
puff of smoke and a squeak.
     Bashir: "If he's part Borg I'd like to have a look at his
medical profile."
     Quark: "Maybe you'd better pull the whole file on this
fellow.  I'd be interested to see what's in it."
     O'Brien gives him a "You'll be lucky" look just as his
commbadge beeps.
     "O'Brien here."
     *Miles!  I just went to tuck Molly in!  She's gone!*
     "Gone?!  Computer!  Locate Molly O'Brien!"
     *ftzz*
     "The damned . . . !!"
     O'Brien and Bashir run for the door and disappear down the
Promenade.  Their places at the bar are taken by customers
wanting service.  Quark pours drinks, but with less and less
attention as a thought begins to grow in his head.  He shouts at
an employee to take over the bar and stands back, stroking his
earlobe and smiling to himself.
     

[Commercial: "Coffee, tea, or SEGA!"]


     The O'Briens' quarters.
     Odo: "Are there any signs of forceable entry?"
     Keiko: "No!  I was here all along, marking assignments. 
Molly was in her room."
     Odo: "Is there any record of transporter activity in the
Habitat Ring in the last six hours?"
     Miles: "No, nothing on the sensor logs."
     "Perhaps we'd better have a look at that bedroom."
     Odo peers around Molly's room a moment.
     "Where does this go?"
     Miles: "That?  It's an airduct.  But it's too small for
anyone to get in through."
     "No, but it's large enough for a child to get out through." 
He taps his commbadge.  "Odo to Major Kira.  I'll need your
assistance in organizing a search party.  We have an explorer on
our hands."


     The Promenade.  A crowd of both Starfleet and Bajoran
personnel have gathered.
     Kira: "People.  We're beginning with a search of the Habitat
Ring and its service tunnels.  The chances are that Molly's
probably still fairly close to her own apartment.  You'll pair
off and work in teams, reporting to Constable Odo, Lieutenant Dax
or myself.  Do a thorough job, and bear in mind that she could be
hiding.  If we don't find her in the initial search area, then we
pretty well have to search the whole station, which is something
we would all like to avoid if we can.  You have your maps and
flashlights, so move out.  Let's try to get this done before the
child decides to go to sleep."
     Dax: "If we do have to hunt the whole station, how many
places do you think we'll have to look?"
     Kira: "About ten or twenty thousand, I figure.  And there
are a lot of hiding places the authorities know nothing about.  I
wouldn't be surprised if we turn up a few skeletons from the
Cardassian occupation."
     Dax: "You sound like you're speaking from experience."
     Kira: "Yeah, well, let's just say it's not a very nice place
for a kid to get lost.
     Quark and his brother Rom come up.  Rom is loaded down with
spelunking gear.
     Kira: "Don't tell me you've come to volunteer."
     Quark: "Major, a little hu-man child is wandering lost in
the service conduits, and you're picking and choosing your
volunteers?  I'm ashamed.  Think of the poor little girl.  We
Ferengi have very sensitive hearing, you know.  My brother and I
can be of great service.  I think you underestimate our community
spirit.  Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't call on us right
away."
     Dax: "He's got you there."
     Kira: "All right.  On you go."
     Quark: "This way, brother."
     He takes a map and turns it over several times, looking it
up and down as he heads off, with Rom clattering behind.
     Rom: "Brother!  Why are we volunteering?"
     Quark: "For humanitarian reasons."
     Rom stops and repeats the words to himself.  His face looks
like he just ate something sour.  He runs after Quark.
     "But why?"
     Quark turns with an abrupt gesture.
     "Because," he hisses, "my contact on DaiMon Tong's bridge
sold me some very interesting information on a surprising new
growth industry in the Cuniculi Cluster.  Come on!"
     Quark hurries on.
     Rom: "Huh?"
     He hurries behind.


[Commercial:
     "This is Sandy Rinaldo.  Tune in at eleven for SEGA!"]
     

     "Mol-ly!  Molly!"
     Miles and Keiko slither along a passageway and come to a
halt at a junction.  They stop, looking each way.  They take each
other hand by the hand.
     "I'm sorry."
     "I'm sorry."
     They move on.
     "Molly!  Mol-ly!"


     A flashlight beam approaches along a crawlway.  It's
Benjamin and Jake Sisko.
     "Jake, I'm really proud that you volunteered for this."
     "Dad!  What was I supposed to do?  I know the O'Briens!"
     "Some people would just stand by and watch."
     "You wouldn't."
     "You're making your old man happy.  Mol-ly!"
     "Molly!"
     "Mol-ly!"
     "Hey, Dad!  In school we're studying early space travel days
on Earth, and Mrs O'Brien was talking about you know before
humans met people from other planets? and she showed us part of
this old movie called Alien about this mining ship that discovers
this species on a barren planet and accidentally brings one back
and it *bursts* out of this guy's chest and hides in the ship's
tunnels and then starts to hunt the crew down and *eat* them and
it's really cool."
     "Okay, Jake."
     They're at a junction.  Benjamin shines his flashlight down
the three tunnels ahead of them, and then for good measure, turns
and shines it down the way they've come.
     "So I was wondering, when you joined Starfleet, if you ever
worried about, you know, getting eaten."
     "Not until now."
     

     Another tunnel.  Quark crawls into the shot, saying, "When
the Grand Nagus shows up with some bootlicking nephew and starts
to tell me all about his new surgical implantation franchises
he'll be in for a surprise."
     Rom follows, dragging a length of coiled rope.
     "Why is that, brother?"
     "Because, you idiot, I'll already be in on it.  That door
repair hu-man has an in with the inventor.  From what I hear he's
a walking sample kit.  All I have to do is get to him first and
the patents are practically in my back pocket."
     "So we are looking for him, not the girl?"
     "We're looking for both!  Finding the girl will greatly
enhance the standing of Quark's Bar in the eyes of the Hu-mans. 
They're very much affected by things like that.  It can open new
doors."
     "Brother, we have been looking for two hours and we have
found neither one of them!"
     Quark strokes the back of his ear.
     "I feel we're getting very close."
     "Brother, what is that sound!?"
     "Where?"
     "There!"
     A vole stands frozen in their beams for an instant, then
scurries away.
     "EEE!!!  A vole!"
     "What's over there?!"
     The flashlight beams sweep around to illuminate the tunnel
behind them.  Another, larger, vole scurries off.
     "It was following us!!"
     "Look!  There's a door!  We'll get out through there!"
     Quark holds the light on his brother, who struggles with the
door.  Suddenly it opens and the skeleton of a Cardassian topples
out and crashes on the floor.
     "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"
     "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"


[Bob:
     "Yikes!  Back to Star Trek: Door Repair Guy in a moment. 
Speaking of skeletons in the closet, here's an interview we got
with Michael Dorn, Star Trek: The Next Generation's Lieutenant
Worf, last September at the Star Trek convention in the Westin
Hotel in Ottawa."
     Cut to service corridor in Westin Hotel.  Dorn, in shades,
is accompanied by two security guards in suits who continually
look around and talk into their sleeves.  Bob steps into the shot
and asks:
     "So, when they come out with CHiPs: The Next Generation, are
you going to be one of these guys who says, `I never watch it,
it's not real CHiPs,' or are you going to bug the producers until
they finally come up with some far-fetched plot twist like a
fifteen-year traffic jam to write you in as a guest star?"
     Dorn: "HaDI'baH mach.  nachlI' vIteqvIpbe' 'ej 'oH vIwoD. 
tugh."
     Dorn and the guards stomp off.
     "And with me now are Bonnie Holmyard and Margaret Kipp with
a new couch segment: KLINGONS' CORNER.  Bonnie, what's your take
on that?"
     "Well, Bob, when he called you a small animal I knew right
there that you'd lost the interview."
     Margaret: "That's right, Bob.  You can't be getting in a
Klingon's face like that and not expect him to stand on his
honour.  I'd say he was about this far from taking you out."
     "So, like, I should've sucked up a little more?"
     "NO!!"
     "No way!  Klingon's hate that!"
     "So what you're saying is it was a no-win interview
situation."
     "That's right."
     "You might've asked him what hypercaritosis is."
     "Oh.  I'll have to remember that."
     Cut to shot of Dorn and guards walking away down the service
corridor.  As they round the far corner Dorn is heard to remark:
"I am not a merry man."]


[Commercial: Nintendo
     "I guess it's the hope of every parent to . . . maybe have a
Starfleet officer in the family."
     "I DON'T CARE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE,
      I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE,
      WAAAAAAAAAAA-A-A-A-AHHHHH!!!!!!!"
     Shot of Wesley Crusher thrashing.]


     The vole is one corner ahead of him.  He elbow-crawls
forward in the dark until he feels the right-hand wall disappear. 
Slowly he eases himself around the corner and takes up a position
on his belly with the flashlight in his left hand and the phaser
in his right.  He holds them both up in the dark.  He presses the
flashlight control and fires at the illuminated shape of the
vole.  The tail disappears around the far corner.
     "Damn!"
     He crawls forward.
     "Wish I had a grav sled."
     He reaches the next corner.  Again he eases around the
corner in the dark, and again sets himself up with the flashlight
and phaser.  He hears a scurrying ahead in the dark.  He holds up
the two light-emitters and then has a notion and looks at them in
the dark.
     "These are the same thing, only different."
     He points the phaser, corrects himself and points the
flashlight, and presses the control.  At the end of the tunnel is
a little girl with a vole in her arms.  She squints and hollers,
"That's too bright!"


[Commercial: "Because I yam what I yam and that's what I yam." 
                         Molson Canadian.]


     The Promenade.  Morn staggers past.  Door Repair Guy
materializes in a seated position in a Not Fragile personal
transporter effect.  Molly is in his arms.  Barney the Vole is in
hers.
     Odo walks over and activates his commbadge.
     "Commander.  Young O'Brien has been found, apparently safe
and sound."
     Doctor Bashir comes over and bends down, taking tricorder
readings.
     "How are you, Molly?"
     "I'm hungry!  Where's my mommy!"
     Bashir straightens up.
     "Healthy lungs anyway."
     From down the Promenade:
     "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
     Quark streaks past.
     "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
     Rom comes racing after.
     Odo: "Yes, they're all in fine voice today."


     The O'Briens' quarters.  Sisko, Jake, Odo, Miles and Keiko
are gathered around Molly and the vole. 
     Odo: "So Door Repair Guy's hunting scared this little vole
into the residential area.  Molly saw it in the airduct and
followed it out."
     "Molly, darling, it's time to put the vole back where it
belongs."
     "It's Barney!"
     "Sweetheart, nobody keeps voles as pets.  I'm sure there's a
nice puppy we could find."
     "I want Barney!!"
     Miles and Keiko exchange looks.
     "I suppose if we had it declawed . . ."
     Sisko: "I'm NOT having pet voles on this station!"
     The little lower lip comes out and begins to quiver.  The
commander's resolve lasts about three seconds, then crumbles
entirely.
     "Well, it'd have to be inoculated . . . and neutered."
     "That's the spirit, Dad!"
     "Don't tell me you want one too!"


     Door Repair Guy is seated on an examination table in the
infirmary.  Doctor Bashir passes a medical tricorder over him
several times.
     "Extraordinary.  May I borrow yours?"
     Dax hands him her tricorder.  He takes more readings with
it.
     "Amazing.  Have you even tried out all the functions
available on that keyboard?"
     "No, not really.  Control-F4 does the transporter.  F12 is
the personal deflector screen.  Alt-F8 comes in kind of handy on
social occasions."
     "What happens when you push that one?"
     "I don't know.  Let's push it and find

------------
Written by Douglas A. McLeod ai919
------------

Episode 22 — The Snapper

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