Stomping Ground

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Episode 21 — Stomping Ground

     Shot of a Klingon K'Vort-class Bird of Prey streaking
through space at warp speed.
     Cut to the murky interior of the aft cargo-hold.  Dim
reddish lighting picks out the two parallel rows of vertical
structural supports running down the length of the ship and
dividing the hold into a central aisle and two darkened side-
aisles.  The centre area is empty, but the darkened sides are
alive with expectant, whispering rows of Klingon crewmembers. 
Four figures in cloaks and body-armour emerge and move into the
centre aisle.

Hotspur:   "ramvamDaq ghaH wISuv."
          ["We'll fight with him to-night."]
Worcester:                                    "Qo'.  qaSQo' 'oH."
                                             ["It may not be."]
Douglas:   "vaj ghaHvaD 'eb Danob SoH."
          ["You give him then advantage."]
Vernon:                                       "vInobbe'."
                                             ["Not a whit."]
Hotspur:   "qatlh Dajatlh'a'.  SojDaj nejbe''a' ghaH."
          ["Why say you so?  Looks he not for supply?"]
Vernon:    "'ej manej."
          ["So do we."]
Hotspur:                  "ngeD Qu'Daj 'ach ngeDbe' Qu'maj."
                         ["His is certain, ours is doubtful."]
Worcester: "joH, DaqeSlu'.  ramvamDaq yIvIHQo'."
          ["Good cousin, be advis'd, stir not to-night."]
Vernon:    "yIratlh, joHwI'."
          ["Do not, my lord."]
Douglas:                       "qeS QaQ Danobbejbe'.
            Da'ItchoHmoHlu'pu'.  jatlh tIqlI' bIr.
                              ["You do not counsel well.
            You speak it out of fear and cold heart."]
                    [Drops bat'telh.]
Vernon:   [Begins long self-exculpating speech, but all eyes are
           on the bat'telh.]
Voice from audience:  "qeylIS pong, nuHlIj yIwoH."
                     ["In the name of Kahless, pick up your
               [Douglas picks up weapon.]

Blunt:     "muSHa'ghach ghop poS je bolaj vIneH."
          ["I would you would accept of grace and love."]
Hotspur:   "'ej chaq 'e' wIta'."
          ["And may be so we shall."]
Blunt:                                  "qeylIS pong, yIta'"
                                        ["Pray God you do."]

[Hotspur to DRG as they leave the stage:]

           "DouglaslI' qab law' Hoch qab puS."
          ["You're the worst Douglas ever."]
     "Crawlspace.  The final frontier.  These are the voyages of
The Door Repair Guy.  His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
gone before."
     [Music: drum, horn and anvil.]

               Star Trek: Door Repair Guy

[Whoosh!  Klingon K'Vort-class Bird of Prey swoops by.]


                    Door Repair Guy as
                    lojmIt tI'wI' ghot

[Whoosh!  Klingon K'Vort-class Bird of Prey swoops by.]

                    Also Starring

                    Ernest Borgnine as

                    Vanilla Ice as

     Any one of those babes from American Gladiators as

                         Mr T as

                    Mark Messier as
                    lojmIt veqlargh

[Whoosh!  Klingon K'Vort-class Bird of Prey swoops past a Voyager
space probe, comes back about, blows it to Hell, and continues on
its way.]

     "So Mr Big misses.  Again.  And I say to myself, `Sink this
and you gotta hang around here and humiliate another one of these
fine gentlemen; miss intentionally and you can savour a smooth
Genuine Mud Beer in a less hostile atmosphere.'  Then I see this
*Nausicaan* putting together his custom-made pool cue and I
think,  `Let's welcome our next contestant.'"]

     The Klingon Homeworld.  The K'Vort-class Bird of Prey enters
the shot, slowing to impulse power.
     A sidewalk in the capital city.  Door Repair Guy, still
dressed in Klingon garb, materializes in a Klingon transporter
effect and staggers forward as if he has been thrown into the
transporter beam at the other end.
     Passerby: "yIyep, tera'ngan."
               ["Look out, Human!"]
     DRG: "yIjatlhQo'."
          ["Shut up!"]
     The passerby laughs heartily and passes by.
     DRG (to himself): "`Bajor?  I thought you said "bIjor!"'" 
["You explode."]  He looks around and cranes his neck to read the
street sign carved into a nearby wall.  "The Old City.  My old
stomping ground.  May as well have a look around."
     He sees a familiar door.
     "House of Kruge!  I did the screens on that place.  Seem to
have been torn off again though.  Hm."
     A Klingon notices him examining the doorframe and becomes
     "nuq bInID."
     ["What are you attempting?"]
     DRG takes a deep breath, and turns belligerently.
     "yItamchoH.  chamwI' 'um jIH.  jIHlojmItvam QIHlu'ta'."
     ["Shut up!  I am a qualified technician!  Someone has
damaged this screen door!"]
     "Ha ha ha ha!  Qugh be'nal."
     ["Ha ha ha ha.  Kruge's wife."]
     The Klingon goes on his way, and DRG goes his.
     Next up is a very old wooden door completely covered with
carven lettering.  It's quite an elaborate and pointed door
curse.  Door curses are a traditional part of Klingon door
design.  They are intended to discourage casual visiting and to
establish clearly in the mind of the person entering the house
the various house rules the breaking of which could lead to bad
feelings and injury.  This one promises the tearing off of the
ears to any Klingon who fails to wipe his feet.  DRG has always
liked this door and often ate his lunch outside it in his
apprentice days.  He smiles nostalgically, then says, "Hey!  The
Door of the Third Moon!"
     He hurries around the corner toward the site of his
Eleventh-Rank piece.  The Eleventh Rank is an honour conferred on
a doorhanger only when the quality of indestructibility is deemed
to have been achieved.  Door Repair Guy built the Door of the
Third Moon from stone quarried on the moon in question, a
satellite rich in naturally-occurring titanium.  DRG's employer
Krell had walked around and around the finished slab, jolting it
with disruptor fire for three hours before he finally grinned and
muttered, "majQa'".  Krell is perhaps the best known of Klingon
doorhangers.  His motto is: "lojmItmeywIj boQaw'laHbe'".  ["You
cannot destroy my doors."]
     Door Repair Guy comes up a rubble-strewn path, slowing as he
recognizes the twinkle of shattered titanium underfoot.  He rubs
his chin apprehensively.  Cautiously he puts his head in the
gaping doorway.  Rough hands grab him by the shoulders and swing
him against a nearby wall.
     Krell: "lojmItwIj Qaw'lu'ta'."
            ["Something has destroyed my door!"]
     DRG: "Gulp."

     "I want a snack!"
     "I want it now!"
     "Hey, kids!  Download this!"
     "Computer Chips!"
     "Computer Chips: the silicon-based snack."
     "I feel smarter already!"
     "From the makers of Documints."]

     Close-up of Krell and Door Repair Guy standing nose-to-nose. 
Krell has his spring-loaded d'k tahg knife out.
     A voice: "SoSloDnI'wI', pIch ghajbe' lojmIt ti'wI' ghot. 
nuq pegh ghajbej Bulokh."
     ["Uncle, it's not Door Repair Guy's fault.  Bulokh certainly
has a secret weapon."]
     Krell glances over his shoulder, considers, then snorts in
Door Repair Guy's face and drops him.
     "pongwIj QaQ QIH wanI'vam."
     ["This incident damages my good name."]
     "vaj Bulokh lojmItmey wa' wIQaw'nIS."
     ["Then we must destroy one of Bulokh's doors."]
     DRG struggles up from the floor.
     "'Iv ghaH Bulokh'e'."
     ["Who is Bulokh?"]
     Krell: "'ovwI'."
     ["A competitor."]
     The old doorhanger slouches across the room, kicking debris.
     The nephew steps up and brushes off DRG's armour.
     "jech 'IH.  'ach 'ejyo'vaD bIvum 'e' vIQub."
     ["Handsome outfit.  But I thought you worked for
     "pongwIj vISovnesbe'."
     ["I do not have the honour of knowing your name."]
     Krell: "Vernon ghaH, be'nI'wI' puqloD, boQwI' je."
     ["He is Vernon, my sister's son, and my assistant."]
     Vernon: "qatlh."
     "Vernon cha'DIch SoHbogh DaHjaj vIqIHta'."
     ["You're the second Vernon I've met today."]
     Krell: "'e' yIlIj.  bortaSmaj wInabnIS.  laSvarghDaq
     ["Forget about that.  We must plan our revenge.  To the
     He stomps out, followed by Vernon and Door Repair Guy, who
get stuck in the doorway by both trying to go through at the same
time.  They growl at each other.
     Camera draws back from landscape painting of the Old City.

     "Avril Cruickshank, breeder of Portuguese Blue Sea-Dogs."
     "My dogs have special nutritional needs.  An adult
Portuguese Blue may swim six, seven, eight nautical miles in a
day against eight or ten foot swells.  They need the vitamins and
proteins they get from Pedigree Sea Chow."
     Shot of Avril pouring the Sea Chow into a bowl amid eager
blue-grey retrievers.
     "They love the sea cucumber, crunchy urchin, and big meaty
chunks of shark."
     View from inside a dory of dog's head dropping fish over the
bulwark and diving back into the sea.]

     Camera moves in on landscape painting of the Old City.
Cut to street scene as Krell, Vernon and Door Repair Guy clomp
down a wide pedestrian mall toward Krell's factory.  Klingons of
various age and occupation move past them.  A roar comes from a
nearby hall.  DRG glances up at the sign.

                    *    Qapla' yIyInqa'     *
                    *                        *
                    *         Melota         *
                    *                        *
                    *    cha'DIch DIS Dun    *

                         [Relive the success.


                         Second great year.]

     DRG: "bIrchoH."
     Vernon: "tugh."
     ["Come on!]
     Interior view of Krell's factory.  Klingons are hard at work
at all kinds of jobs, most of which seem to produce constant
showers of sparks and other lighting effects.  The sound effects
department is also on the job, providing an aural spectrum of
cutting, welding and pounding sound effects.  Krell, Vernon and
Door Repair Guy enter.  A tall, powerfully built Klingon woman
puts down her molecular welder, removes her protective visor, and
advances in DRG's direction, purring.
     "targh mach.  Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
     ["Little targ."  Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."]
     "`nuqneH,' vIjatlhruppu' 'ach vISovchu'."
     ["I was ready to say, `What do you want?' but I certainly
     Vernon: "Grrrrrrrr.  not mutlha'."
     ["Grrrrrrrr.  She never chases after me."]
     ["neH juppu' ngo' maH."]
     DRG: "We're just old friends."
     Krell: "bIjatlh 'e' yImev.  naDev yIghos."
     ["Shut up.  Come over here."]
     DRG and Vernon follow Krell into his office.  Krell closes
the door behind them and shoots the bolt.  He walks to a safe and
activates it with a forehead scan.  The safe unfolds to reveal a
device of unknown provenance.
     Vernon: "nuq 'oH."
     ["What is it?"]
     DRG: "'oH nuq."
     ["What is it?"]
     Krell: "nujDu'ra' tISoQmoH.  jan 'oH.  'eng Sub QorghlaH."
     ["Shut up!  It's a device.  It will be able to take care of
Solid Cloud."]
     DRG: "'Iv."
     Vernon: "lojmIt.  _lojmItQed_ DalaDQo''a'."]
     ["A door!  Don't you read _Door Studies_?"]
     DRG: "Quv choH ghItlhHom tu'Ha'lu'bejpu'."
     ["The change of address card must've got lost!"]
     Krell: "SoQlIj yIghup.  'eng Sub chenmoHta' Bulokh.  lojmIt
Dun.  cha' 'u'meyDaq yIn 'oH.  ngoS 'ej ngoSHa'.  'oH wIHoHnIS."
     ["Shut up!  Bulokh built Solid Cloud.  Magnificent door.  It
inhabits two universes.  It dissolves and undissolves.  We must
kill it."]
     There is a loud pounding on the door.
     Krell: "nuq."
     Voice: "joHwI'.  pawpu' De'.  'eng Sub Qaw'lu'ta'."
     ["My lord!  Word has arrived!  Solid Cloud has been
     Camera closes in on astonished faces of Krell, Vernon and
Door Repair Guy.

     "Back to Star Trek: Door Repair Guy in just a moment.  First
I want to reach over to the bookcase because it's time for

                         WHAT'S BOB READING?

And today, in honour of the all-Klingon episode, I've got the
latest issue of _nujQeD_, the official journal of the Klingon
Dental Institute.  _nujQeD_ means `Mouth Studies'.  It's put out
by a bunch of fans who just happen to be dentists, orthodontists,
periodontists . . . and all those kind of people most people
would rather meet a Klingon than.  Here are a few of the many
interesting -- and informative -- articles: `Does Klingon
Anatomical Redundancy Extent to the Uvula?' -- that's that little
bit hanging down in the back of your mouth; `Canine, the Tooth of
Honour'; `How to Get the Klingon to Sit in the Chair: Notes from
the Battlefront'; and my personal favorite, `Gowron: There's a
Beautiful Smile in There Somewhere'.  On newstands now.  Back to
Door Repair Guy after this."]

[Commercial: The Labatt 18-Wheeler.]

     The snarling face of Bulokh fills the camera.
     "RRrrRRrrrR!!  Hegh Qel."
     ["RRrrRRrrrR!!  Krell dies!!"]
     The camera swings around to take in the rubble-strewn foyer. 
Black scorch-marks radiate from the shattered entrance.
     "joHwI'.  'oH Qawta' Qel chay' 'e' DaSov.  povamDaq lojmIt
chIl ghaH."
     ["My lord.  How do you know that Krell destroyed it?  He
lost a door this morning."]
     "to'.  lojmItDaj Qawta' ghaH.  vaj nabDaj So' ghaH."
     ["Tactics.  He destroyed his own door.  In that way he
conceals his intentions."]
     "nuq nab."
     ["What does he plan?"]
     ["To eliminate us."]
     "chay' jura'."
     ["What must we do?"]
     "mo' wIpoSmoH.  boQ.  Qel yIrI'."]
     ["We must lay a trap.  Secretary.  Get me Krell."]

     R'Evakh is backing Door Repair Guy around various work
stations on the factory floor. 
     "vaj, maghomqa', targh mach."
     ["So, we meet again, little targ."]
     "poH tIQ leghbe', jIloy."
     ["Long time no see, I guess!"]
     "wa'logh vay' wIchu'pu'.  DaH wIrInmoH."
     ["We started something once.  Now let's finish it."]
     "DaH jIrInrup."
     ["I'm ready to be finished now."]
     Krell: "lojmIt tI'wI' ghot.  naDev yIghoS."
     ["Door Repair Guy!  Come here!"]
     DRG: "qabqu'.  jIqetnIs."]
     ["Too bad!  Gotta run!"]
     R'Evakh: "leSDaq qaghoS.  vI'Ip."
     ["Someday I will have you.  I swear it."]

     Krell: "maja'chuq neH Bulokh."
     ["Bulokh wants to talk."]
     Vernon: "nuqDaq."
     "veng tamey vaS."
     ["Municipal Records Hall."]
     "loD 'ar."
     ["How many men?"]
     DRG: "loD."
     Krell: "tugh qaS Suv.  bIbep'a'."
     ["There will be a fight.  Do you object?"]
     "Douglasna' jIH."
     ["I am a veritable Douglas."]
     "SeyqSpeyr.  majQa'.  HItlha'."
     ["Shakespeare!  Excellent.  Follow me!"]
     Again DRG and Vernon lock shoulders on the way out the door.
     Both: "Grrrrrrrrrrr."
[Commercial: Fresh Ontario gakh.]

     Camera moves in on landscape painting of the Old City.  Cut
to interior of the Municipal Records Hall.  Bulokh and fifty
heavily-armed Klingons stand to one side as Krell and his faction
enter through the great door.
     Bulokh: "lojmIt yISoQmoH."
     ["Shut the door!"]
     Krell nods and several stout door-repairmen pull it shut. 
It closes with a resounding boom.
     Krell: "lojmIt Dun."
     ["A great door."]
     Bulokh: "lojmIt HoS law' bov Hoch HoS puS."
     ["The strongest door of its age."]
     Krell: "'oH DaQaw'laH 'e' vIHon."
     ["I doubt you are able to destroy it."]
     Bulokh: "choquvmoHHa'.  vay' vIQaw'laH."
     ["You dishonour me.  I can destroy anything (or anyone)."]
     Krell: "batlhlIj DaQaw' SoH."
     ["You destroy your own honour."]
     Bulokh: "choQeHchoHmoH.'
     ["You're making me angry."]
     Krell: "majQa'."
     [If you don't know that one by now you haven't been paying
     Bulokh: "loDpu'.  nuqmey."
     ["Men!  Weapons!"]
     Leathery metallic sound as a hundred Klingons draw and point
their weapons.  The camera dollies past the ranks of stern,
expectant Klingon faces.  The anticipation of a good bloodbath is
     A deep groan fills the chamber.  All eyes flick toward the
great door.
     The door is bending inward.  Its surface is cracking and
bursting off.  Volleys of metal rivets explode out of its
stretching seams.  Blue bolts of static electricity run up and
down it.  The sound of tearing metal fills the hall.
     The door shatters into a thousand pieces, staggering the
Klingons and showering them with debris.  Through the entrance
steps a mighty-thewed figure with a huge monstrous head and claws
for fingers.
     "lojmIt veqlargh jIH."
     ["I am the Door Fek'lhr."]
     As a group the Klingons scramble for their weapons and open
fire on the creature.  It rocks its head from side to side,
sweeping the energy bolts from its path with bats of its arms. 
It advances into the room, searching its prey.
     "batlh tIchlu'pu'.  loD vIwam."
     ["Honour has been insulted.  I seek the man."]
     The Fek'lhr advances toward Door Repair Guy who is still
trying to extricate himself from a pile of Klingons.
     "ghaH vItu'ta' jIH."
     ["I have found him."]
     The Fek'lhr reaches down toward Door Repair Guy, grasps a
limb, and pulls out . . . Vernon.  It lifts him into the air.
     "qighmey Datlhappu'.  Hap qab Dalo'pu'.  vaj juHlij
     ["You have cut corners and used substandard materials,
dishonouring your house."]
     It holds the struggling Klingon over its head, turning
     DRG: "nuqDaq ghaH Datlhap'a'."
     ["Where are you taking him?"]
     All the Klingons on the floor turn and look at him,
     The Fek'lhr: "ghe''or.  'Iv ghotvam."
     ["The netherworld.  Who is this guy?"]
     Krell: "ghaH yIbuSQo'."
     ["Don't bother about him!"]
     The Fek'lhr sizes up Door Repair Guy for a moment or two,
then howls and disappears into an expensive special effect,
taking Vernon with him.
     Slowly the Klingon doorhangers rise to their feet.
     Bulokh: "'e' bolegh'a'."
     ["Did you see that?"]
     The Klingons grunt in assent.
     "vaj pagh ghom QIch yIjatlh."
     ["So no more union talk."]
     DRG approaches Krell who is standing apart.
     Krell: "batlhwIj QIHpu' Vernon.  chay' lojmItmey vIngevlaH."
     ["Vernon has damaged my honour.  How can I sell doors?"]
     DRG: "BajorDaq Duj DaSuqlaH'a'."
     ["Can you get me a ride to Bajor?"]
     Krell: "qatlh."
     They confer.  In a moment Krell leads DRG to the centre of
the hall.
     Krell: "jatlh neH."
     ["He has something to say."]
     DRG: "pIch vIghaj.  vIponpu'.  naDHa'ghach vIlaj."
     ["It's my fault.  I persuaded him.  I accept
     A gasp passes round the hall.  The Klingons draw themselves
to their full height, cross their forearms across their chests,
and turn their backs.  Long crane shot as Door Repair Guy walks
through the crowd and out the shattered door.  On the step he
meets R'Evakh.  She runs up the steps and when she reaches the
top she flattens him with a right to the jaw.

     Stars.  Deep Space Nine space station drifts into the shot. 
A Klingon Bird of Prey sweeps past and curves, dwindling, toward
the station.
     Passengers disembark through one of the distinctive round
Cardassian airlock ports.  Security Chief Odo stands to one side
with his hands folded behind his back, giving each newcomer a
good look.  After the last Klingon stomps off Odo leans toward
the airlock and demands:
     "Are you coming or not?"
     "I'm just looking at this door."
     "Ah.  You'd be that missing technician Mr O'Brien has been
fuming about.  We've been waiting for you."
     A little later:
     "I hope you like your new quarters."
     Odo nods with satisfaction and walks off to his office.
     Door Repair Guy leans back on the bench and looks around the
security cell.
     "There's no place like home."
Written by Douglas A. McLeod (

Episode 21 — Stomping Ground

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