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Episode 15 — Point of Departure
From: Executive Producer
To: Other Executive Producer
Re: DRG 2nd Season Opening Credits
I don't know what you were thinking of when you approved the
2nd season story arc but it means huge expense on a new opening
credit sequence that we can only use for four or five episodes.
This is what I get for going on vacation.]
From: Other Executive Producer
To: Executive Producer
Re: Re: DRG 2nd Season Opening Credits
Don't sweat it. This was all hashed over weeks ago. We're
retooling footage from various Star Trek movies: a little matting
and image-reprocessing and we'll have high-quality visual effects
at bargain basement prices. The opening sequence for episode 015
comes out the beginning of STIV: The Voyage Home. Wait till you
see how we hide the Probe!]
Stars. In a combination of the Borg transporter and the
Klingon decloaking effects appear the words:
Star Trek: Door Repair Guy
Door Repair Guy as
F. Murray Abraham as
Atoth the Tamarian
With Guest Appearances by
Jonathan Frakes as
Commander William T. Riker
Max Keeping as
Mike Duffy as
Former CTV News Anchor Harvey Kirck as
Sportsline Correspondent Bill Bird as
Former Global Televsion News Anchor Peter Trueman as
And a Special Guest Appearance by
And a Bear.
While these names appear and vanish in turn a nebula forms
in the far distance in the right-centre of the screen and
gradually changes colour from orange-yellow to indigo and blue.
At last the credits are done and a dark, cylindrical object
appears from the midst of the nebula. The object moves
inexorably in our direction, the light of distant stars gleaming
along its scratched and pitted length. As it passes us we are
able to read the words LABATT MAXIMUM ICE. A huge gloved hand
closes on it and holds it up to the tinted visor of a space
helmet. Through the glass, darkly, we make out the features of
Door Repair Guy. We hear his voice over the communication
"No good. Cap's too tight. Try another one."
In a transporter room on board Starbase 106 a maintenance
man in orange overalls nods to another at the transporter
console. A transporter beam appears on the transporter pad and
the first maintenance man lobs a bottle of Labatt Maximum Ice
The bottle materializes in space in front of the nebula and
moves toward us at the velocity lent it by the maintenance man's
underhand pitch. This time, however, the sudden exterior
pressure drop is too much for the screw-off cap. The cap bursts
off in a jet of vapourizing beer, sending the bottle rocketing
across the screen, past Door Repair Guy, away into the distance
along the outer hull of the starbase and on into open space.
Door Repair Guy twists around and follows it with a tricorder.
"Good one, guys!"
"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-e-e-e-o-o-o-oh! Not quite!"
He performs several functions on the tricorder.
"Expect it back in fifty-seven days, four hours."
*You'll be here to catch it?*
"Not me, boys. Enterprise leaves in two hours."
At this the leading edge of the Saucer Section appears
beyond the blue-grey duranium horizon. It grows and swells into
a complete underside view of the Enterprise exiting the
starbase's space doors. Door Repair Guy turns slowly and watches
the mighty ship cruise off until, when it is small enough to rest
on the end of his index finger, it stops, rotates, and bursts
away in a flash of light.
He stands there a while, gawking into the void.
"Computer. What time is it?"
*It is fourteen hundred hours*
"That's four o'clock, right?"
*You are incorrect. Fourteen hundred hours is two o'clock*
The Federation logo on the public viewscreen is replaced by
an image of an exasperated Commander Riker.
*Riker here. What can I do for you?*
"Uh. Hi. It's me. Door Repair Guy."
"I missed my flight. Ah. Time dilation effect."
*I beg your pardon?*
"Time dilation effect."
*Rapid eye movement effect, more likely*
"So, ah, like, what do I do now?"
We see Riker pick up a portable computer pad.
*According to my records you were transferred from the
Enterprise to Maintenance Division, Starbase 106, two weeks ago
to deal with the faulty space door situation. All outgoing
traffic, including the Enterprise's departure, was delayed until
you were able to effect repairs, a process which, according to
the base commander, should have taken six to eight hours. You
were subsequently assigned to space station DS9 and were
allocated guest quarters on board the Enterprise for the first
leg of your journey there. You were paged continually for the
hour prior to the Enterprise's departure but for some reason your
comm badge was deactivated. The Enterprise left thirteen days
behind schedule with one passenger missing -- you. As I am no
longer your commanding officer I am in no position to discipline
you but I am in a position to wonder why you are bothering me.
As a friend and comrade at arms I can offer you this advice: get
down to Starbase Administration and book passsage on the next
ship out, pronto. Riker out*
The star field logo of the Federation pops up again,
reminding Door Repair Guy of the very long distance he has to
figure out how to get across.
Door Repair Guy comes around a corner in the administrative
area of Starbase 106, wearing characteristic work boots, baseball
cap and orange overalls. He is searching for something. He
spots a window and walks over. A woman behind a desk looks up.
"Where's the Lost and Found?"
"What have you lost?"
"Ask the base computer. There's a terminal right over
"Wait! I found something."
"I found I lost my way."
She makes that bureaucratic face. He goes over to the
The computer makes an "Okay, I'm listening" sound.
*I am not programmed to ask you what you want*
"Ha! You did anyway. I need the next ship to the Bajoran
*Please input security clearance code*
He looks around, then whispers, "Delta rho gamma let me in."
*That is a door maintenance lockout override code. It is
insufficient authorization for access to Starfleet flight
"GGGrrrrr. Okay, smarty-pants, where's the bar where the
traders hang out?"
*There are twelve drinking establishments answering that
description on Starbase 106*
"Yeah, but which one serves genuine mud beer?"
*Ralphie's. Level fourteen, section seven*
*I am not programmed to say, "You're welcome"*
Ralphie's. Door Repair Guy wanders in, rubbernecking. At a
table in the far corner is a Tamarian. Behind the bar is a
Vulcan. Seated at the bar are a couple of Pakleds. Everyone
watches him. He goes to the bar.
"Genuine mud beer."
The Vulcan pulls the tap and genuine mud beer begins to plop
slowly into the glass. DRG watches this in silence for a moment.
"Top of the barrel."
The Vulcan nods solemnly and says, "Your beer will be poured
in four minutes, twenty one seconds."
One of the Pakleds closes a hammy hand on DRG's sleeve and
says, "We came for beer. We have lost our money. Will you pay?"
By process of elimination Door Repair Guy has already
figured out that these are the traders we needs, if anyone in the
room is, so he says:
"Yeah. Beer's on me."
The Pakleds look at each other, squirming with happiness.
"The beer is on him."
"He is a real pal."
They turn to him.
"You are a real pal."
"We like you."
They turn to the barkeeper.
"We will have Romulan Ale."
"We like it."
The Vulcan produces the characteristic glass Romulan Ale
bottle with the electrical-insulator-shaped cap from below the
counter and pours two glasses. The Pakleds lift the glasses
happily and down the contents.
"That will be three hundred and two credits."
"Three hundred for the ale and two for the mud, right?"
"That is correct."
DRG pays however it is Starfleet personel pay for things.
"What's the ETA on the genuine mud beer?"
"Two minutes and forty-nine seconds."
DRG turns to the Pakleds.
"You fellas must have a pretty nice ship."
The Pakleds look at each other, at their glasses, then at
"Yes. We forget."
DRG makes a gesture and the Vulcan refills the glasses. The
Pakleds smile and drink.
"He is a good friend."
"Yes." To Door Repair Guy: "You are a good friend."
"That will be three hundred credits."
"How's that beer coming?"
"One minute and fifty-one seconds."
"Our ship is big."
"That's great. What's it called?"
The Pakleds look at each other.
"Big and Fast."
"Going anywhere soon?"
"Yes. Soon we are going somewhere."
All eyes turn to the empty glasses.
"Fill 'er up."
"I wish he would come with us. He is a real pal."
"Yes. I wish he would come too."
"Three hundred credits."
"Where do you think you'll be going? Perhaps . . . Bajor?"
"We like Bajor."
"Bajor is good. It is a good place."
"We like Quark. He is our friend. Do you like Quark?"
"I . . . haven't met him. Why don't you introduce me?"
"We could introduce him."
"Yes. We could introduce him."
"So . . . you'll take me to Bajor?"
The Pakleds exchange looks.
"I cannot decide. Can you decide?"
"I cannot decide."
DRG makes a hurry-up motion to the Vulcan. The glasses are
He pays. They drink. Everyone waits for the answer, even
the Tamarian in the corner.
"We will take him."
"Yes. We will take him."
The Vulcan places the mud beer on the bartop, but Door
Repair Guy is already out the door.
"He is in a hurry."
"Yes. He likes to go."
From the corner: "Groucho, his arms full of breeder's
The Vulcan, beginning the long process of pouring the mud
beer down the drain: "Fascinating."
[Commercial: tootsie-fruitsie ice cream]
Shot of the Big and Fast at warp speed, the stars streaking
past it. Cut to the interior, specifically a small, cluttered
passenger section heaped with cargo. There are two passengers in
among the containers, one seated on either side of the aisle. To
the left sits the Tamarian from the bar. He is reading _The Hero
With a Thousand Faces_ by Joseph Campbell. Beside him on the
seat are piled: _The Tale of Genji_ by Murasaki Shikibu, _The
Complete Poems and Prophesies of William Blake_, LaFontaine's
_Fables_, _The Castle of Crossed Destinies_ by Italo Calvino and
_The Big Book of Klingon Bedtime Stories_. Across the way is
Door Repair Guy spread out over a number of carrier bags, the
peak of his baseball cap pulled down, headphones on his ears, a
portable eight-track player balanced on his chest, reading a
Mighty Thor comic. "Takin' Care of Business" by Bachman Turner
Overdrive seeps out from the headphones, adding its small
tintinabulation to the aural ambience. Pakleds lumber by from
time to time intent on some aspect of making the Big and Fast go.
The Tamarian leans over and taps Door Repair Guy on the arm.
"Popeye and Wimpey looking into the future."
DRG removes his headphones, shuts off the eight track,
heaves several carrier bags out of the way, unzips one and pulls
out a couple of somewhat flattened food packages. He tosses one
A member of the crew tromps up in the middle of the meal.
"Barchibod is my friend. He is locked in the bathroom.
Come and get him out."
The ship streaks onward.
"Back to Star Trek: Door Repair Guy in just a minute. You
may have noticed a few changes since last season, not the least
of which is I'm wearing a tie! Pretty sharp, eh? And I've got
it on for a very good reason. Because with me, practically here
on the Bob couch itself, via closed-circuit television, in
Hollywood, is F. Murray Abraham."
Cut to F. Murray Abraham on a hotel sofa. He is dressed
casually but smartly (open-necked shirt with cravat) and seated
with his legs crossed and his hands folded on his knee in a
posture that could be interpreted as either friendly or reserved.
"So, like, F., you're the first Oscar award winner to appear
in Star Trek. I guess what all your fans are wondering is: has
Star Trek: Door Repair Guy developed such a good reputation that
now even Oscar winners are clamouring to get on it, or is this an
indication that _Amadeus_ was in fact just a fluke and that for
the rest of your career you'll be playing opposite goofs like
Cut to empty hotel sofa and sounds of shouting off-camera.
"Well, there you have it. F. Murray Abraham in Hollywood.
Back to Door Repair Guy in just a moment."]
"Only pennies a glass, and *I* control the sugar."]
View of the Big and Fast proceeding at warp speed.
The passenger compartment. Door Repair Guy is wedged in the
corner among containers and carrier bags, tapping a personal log
entry into his antiquated Tandy laptop. (And believe you me, it
took him a long time to get it antiquated.)
"Hey, Atoth, what stardate is it?"
The Tamarian pulls out a dollar and passes it over.
The Pakled bridge. Crewmembers lean over a variety of work
stations or trundle about on diverse errands, pausing
occasionally to walk around one another. An alarm sounds on the
communications console and one of them moves over and
"Malakod. Somebody is hailing."
"What do they want?"
"'What do you want?' says Malakod."
"He says, 'We are in distress.'"
"Ask him, 'Who are you?'"
"Yes. Ask him that."
"Yes. Ask him who he is."
"Malakod wants to know, 'Who are you?' So does Aylmod, and
"He says, 'We are traders.'"
"Why are the traders in distress?"
"That is a good question. You are smart, Malakod."
"Yes. Ask him."
"Malakod says, 'Why are you traders in distress?'"
"He says 'Who are you?'"
"Tell him we are Pakleds. We look for things."
"That is a good answer."
"Yes. That is a good answer."
"Tell him that answer."
"We are Pakleds. We look for things."
"He says, 'There is a bear loose on our ship.'"
"A bear is loose on the trader ship!"
"We should go and see!"
"Bears are interesting!"
"Yes, bears are interesting!"
"Osbatod, change course! Aylmod, make us go faster! We are
going to go and see the bear!"
View of Pakled vessel changing course and warping off to see
[Commercial: Molson Genuine Mud Beer
Guy throwing baseballs at barn in the middle of the
prairies. Slow motion shot of the ball curving right in to the
dead centre of the strike zone.
Voiceover: "When you get it right, when you get it really
right . . . "
" . . . you know it."]
The Big and Fast falls out of warp. It coasts up to the
stationary form of the trading ship, a sort of a cylindrical job
with an A-frame superstructure -- the shape is kind of
reminiscent of a killer whale in a way, but not really. Besides,
it's brown. A gif would be handy here. Look, make up your own
mind about how it looks -- though I'll bet the knowledge of the
bear on board influences your thinking and combines with the orca
image to produce a sort of west coast design -- something Haida,
perhaps. Ooo, that's cool. Can't wait for the MicroMachine.
But I'm really just angling you along. All this description is
nothing but a red salmon, I mean herring.
Or is it?
A corridor inside the Big and Fast. Pakleds are crowding
toward the transporter room. Door Repair Guy and Atoth, playing
cribbage on an upturned crate, watch the procession go by.
"Barnum and Bailey, their tents spreading."
The excited Pakleds jostle into the transporter room and,
group after group, beam over to the other ship. The transporter
chief steps onto the pad just as Door Repair Guy and the Tamarian
"There is a bear." (Dematerializes.)
"Hm. Sounds interesting. Think we oughta go over?"
"Penelope on Ithaca, her loom working."
Door Repair Guy makes a face.
"Yeah, you're probably right. I'll bet we can get in
another couple of hands before they want back."
They hurry off to their game. The next moment the deserted
transporter activates. Four figures materialize and step down
off the transporter pad, pointing phaser rifles in all
directions. They're dressed in a motley assortment of stolen
uniforms, with Billy Idol haircuts and facial tattoos. Come to
think of it, they remind me of the mutineers in _Mutiny on the
Bounty_, the version with Anthony Hopkins and (gulp) Mel
Gibson!!! OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD!! MARTHA COME QUICK IT'S MEL
GIBSON THE CREDITS SAID A SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY HARRISON
FORD BUT LOOK THERE'S MEL GIBSON MAYBE THEY'RE BOTH IN THE
EPISODE I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IT'S INCRED. . . oh. Oh. No,
nothing, dear! They just have somebody who looks like Mel
Gibson! No, don't bother! No, don't come in! It's just
somebody who reminded me of Mel Gibson. No, that one. He does
so. Well, I think so.
The four intruders fan out through the ship, securing
strategic points and shutting down unnecessary systems. We watch
shot after shot of them advancing down corridors, checking
deserted compartments, pulling off control panels and activating
door releases, in that kind of shot where the camera stays just
ahead of the advancing actor and the corridor continually slides
away into the background. One of the bandits hits a light
switch. Door Repair Guy and Atoth look up as the lights in the
passenger compartment go to sleep setting. An armed figure
hurries past in the half-light, freezes, and turns back. Quick
as anything Door Repair Guy picks up the cribbage board and beans
the stranger right between the eyes. Thud. The cribbage players
lean over the prostrate intruder. Hm. Shocking white hair. And
cool tattoos. Kinda snaky in design.
Intruder commbadge voice:
*Alert. Alert. Team member down*
Two intruders immediately double back toward the downed team
member's coordinates. The team leader moves on toward the
We see the intruder's inert body slide into a storage
closet. The two cribbage players emerge and scamper away, armed
with a plenitude of looted phaser weaponry. They scramble down a
service corridor and around a corner. The camera catches up to
find them looking this way and that for a way out of the dead
end. They stop and stare at each other, the beads of sweat
springing off their foreheads.
"Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid at the river gorge."
The two intruders advance toward the storage closet, pull it
open and discover their comrade. One of them makes a head motion
and they move down the corridor. They advance carefully,
covering each other in turns. They round the corner. Phaser
fire erupts from a stack of barrels at the end of the corridor.
The bandits hit the deck and roll for cover, returning fire at
the heap of containers concealing Atoth and Door Repair Guy.
Streaks of luminous phaser fire crisscross down the length of the
corridor. Superheated bulkheads burst apart in showers of
sparks. Acrid smoke fills the nostrils (for those with
smellevision, anyway). The sound effects department makes a play
for another Emmy nomination.
A door slides open halfway down the corridor and . . .
From: Executive Producer
To: Other Executive Producer
Re: Cameo Appearance, DRG 015
$150,000 for a four second cameo appearance?
I'm beginning to regret that vacation more and more.]
From: Other Executive Producer
To: Executive Producer
Re: Re: Cameo Appearance, DRG 015
The big picture:
1) ET is doing a segment the day before. Expect total
domination of the time slot.
2) _Clear and Present Danger_ Meal Deal at Macdonald's tie-
in premieres just before credits. Accounts Department very
3) We may yet be able to get him to take off his clothes
and stick a hypo in his butt.]
A door slides halfway open and Harrison Ford, in full
Indiana Jones gear, puts his foot out into the corridor. He
gasps in fright at the deadly crossfire, then casts a glance
directly at the camera, giving us his "Don't worry; I can get out
of anything" grin, and slips back behind the closing door.
By now the fourth intruder has reached the bridge, located
the helm, taken the slack out of the safety harness, and entered
new coordinates into the navigational computer. We see an index
finger poise above the warp drive initiator control.
"O mighty Vaal, the moment of your resurrection is at hand."
The Big and Fast rotates, elasticizes, and disappears in a
burst of light, leaving the Haida-influenced trader adrift.
Barchibod trudges into the command centre of the orca-shaped
vessel. Pakleds are standing around, looking at their feet or
poking randomly at the unfamiliar controls.
"Malakod," he complains, "we cannot find the bear."
"Maybe it is sleeping."
"The bear is maybe sleeping!"
"We will look!"
"There is another thing, Malakod. Where is the crew?"
"Did anybody see the crew?"
They shake their heads.
"We did not find the crew."
"Malakod, perhaps it ate the crew."
"Perhaps it ate the crew and then it fell asleep."
"You are smart, Barchibod."
"We will go and look."
"Go and look for the bear."
Everybody but Malakod trundles out. He looks around the
command centre, scratching the flap of his ear. He sees a handle
he hasn't tried yet. He pulls it, opening a large closet. The
bear awakes and peers out, sniffing the air. It smells something
it doesn't like.
_Clear and Present Danger_ Meal Deal at Macdonald's.]
Written by Douglas A. McLeod (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Episode 15 — Point of Departure
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