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Episode Nine – Spoilers

Last time on Star Trek: Door Repair Guy:

     "Sir!  The Borg ship has divided into two parts!  They're
standing dead in space!"
     Riker rises from his chair.
     "This is just the opportunity I've been waiting for!  Arm
photon torpedoes!  Phasers ready!  Helm, initiate attack approach
Riker Delta Three."
     The nacelles gather steam and the Battle Section goes to
warp speed in a burst of light . . . .

And now this week's incredibly exciting episode:

     The camera dollies up to the ensign at the helm, catching
the look of surprise, and the rapid glances from point to point
on the console.
     "Captain!  Battle Section approaching on attack vector! 
Speed warp eight!  Intercept in twenty-three seconds!"
     Picard jumps up from the command chair.
     "Merde!  Red Alert!  Shields up!  Helm!  Get the Saucer
between the Battle Section and the Cube and keep us there! 
Tactical, ready phasers!"
     Shot of Saucer accelerating around Borg Cube.
     Picard hits his commbadge.
     "Mr Barclay!  Tell me you cleaned out that photon torpedo
     *Ba>voice cracking*%@h[q+}gw&-[#&;x  Knock knock!  %*$@<{/\|*$4;kr5,#*&6g",*#@b0

     "Did you hear that?  Try it again."

7e@s[,:\-z8$&@!;i7]%  Knock knock!  @>)S6*9%.<

     "It said `Doris', sir."
     Picard makes a gesture meaning "And?"
     "Ahem.  Doris who?"

*&7hf,;kF#@{[,>  Doris always open.  &f2n.)*l:}+%4fs"8%3#h,o_=

     The turbolift opens.  Geordi enters and activates the
engineering station.
     The tactical officer looks confused.
     "What can it mean?"
     "It means at least one of our operatives is hard at work
over there."
     "Sir, there's more!"
&ge3#';u'j@  Tanks for keeping the slush outside.  -*&*&t%$#,;]

     "They want us to wipe our feet, sir."
     Geordi: "No, wait a minute!  They're talking about the slush
deuterium!  Captain, we were due for a refill before we came
through the wormhole."
     "So you mean the Battle Section might be in danger of
running out?  That would affect their warp drive, would it not?"
     "`Affect it' is right!  The deuterium is the matter part of
the matter-antimatter reaction!  Without it they're no faster
than we are!"
     "Mr La Forge, see what you can do about syphoning their
tank, would you?"
     "Aye aye, Captain!"
     Geordi exits.  Picard rubs his hands in satisfaction.
     A moment later the turbolift opens and deposits a party of
four: Dr Crusher, still wearing her election observer armband,
and three Borg.
     "Captain Picard, permit me to introduce the new Borg
government.  On my left is Empress Natasha Polaroid, the head of
state.  On my far right is Grand Trunk Railway, Minister of the
Exchequer.  And this is Least Execrable Spleen, the Shogun."
     Picard bows deeply and says:
     "I have every confidence that this marks the beginning of a
firm and mutually beneficial relationship."
     "We need a first ministers' conference," says Empress
Polaroid, and the three Borg march into the conference room.
     Picard straightens up and tugs his uniform hem, his lips
pressed together.  He takes a breath and says, "I think that went
     "Jean-Luc, they're all from the Green Party.  It's the
oddest thing.  They want to settle down on Cauda Linea."
     Picard nods.
     "Yes, yes.  It's a trifle complicated.  I'll explain it to
you over breakfast."
     "Jean-Luc, I just don't know.  Every time I get out of bed I
think things can't get any stranger.  But every day they do."
     "Really?  I think things are looking up.  We've rebuffed
Riker's attack.  Our operatives in the Battle Section are working
to put him in the brig.  The Borg situation is . . . under
control.  For once it looks as if things are falling into place."
     As soon as these words are out of Picard's mouth the ensign
at the helm exclaims, "Captain, the wormhole!"
     "On screen!"
     The wormhole unfolds in polychromatic majesty, petals of
blue energy spreading out across light years.
     "Captain, sensors show three ships exiting the wormhole!"
     The image on the screen breaks up, deconstructs into static,
and resolves again into the grinning visage of the Grand Nagus
(played by Ross Perot).
     "Nyah!  What a ride!  I claim this entire cluster in the
name of all the Ferengi consortiums which I participate in as a
member of the board of directors.  All enterprises entered into
are null and void unless I get my ten percent!  You got that?"

                    TO BE CONTINUED

Written by Douglas A. McLeod (ai919@freenet.carleton.ca)

Episode Nine – Spoilers

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