"I want a copy of 'The Grapes of Wrath' by Ernest Hemingway." (And then she wouldn't believe me when I told her Steinbeck wrote it.)
And my personal favorite: "I'm looking for the autobiography of Jesus."
Over the holidays, a man wanted to know why he couldn't find "tannenbaum" in the dictionary. I told him I was pretty sure it meant "Christmas tree", but that the reason he couldn't find it was probably because it's a German word. He knew what it meant; he just wanted it to be in thedictionary. Gotta wonder why he was looking it up if he already knew what it means.
A coworker from another branch in our system called me the other day so I could look up "branes" in the OED. I told her it's an obsolete form of bran. She called me back a few minutes later to get me to look up bran.
"How do I get upstairs?" The elevator behind you.
"Where's the bathroom?" The doors in frontof you
"Where's do I sign up for the Internet?" The sign in front of the clipboard that says Adult Internet Signup/Children's Internet Signup
"Where's the librarian?" Under the sign that says reference librarian in the middle of the room.