Certain people have been asking where I have been for the past few months. Since my update schedule is about that of a Hohmann transfer orbit, rumors have swirled within the library world. I post now to clear up these falsehoods.
I was not arrested for stalking Neil Patrick Harris. Nor has my absence been due to the “Todd Incident.” I have been away from clnn.info researching a news story that will shock our profession to its very core. There is a grave threat to our patrons: The infiltration of our library profession by Bears.
That’s right, Bears. Those hairy godless killing machines are over running our libraries even as we speak. The Bears seek to destroy our very way of life.
We welcome them into our homes, let down our guard and all of the sudden they are taking over the country, starting with the libraries. They seek to create a “playful” or “harmless” image with Iorek Byrnison or those insidious children’s books like Pooh and Paddington or especially and those evil Berenstein Bears!
People write books about sweet bears like Paddington or Pooh so that we will be soothed into complacency. The cartoonizing of Bears as lovable creatures is merely one small tip of the “Bear Agenda.” Cute? Cuddly? Sure, that’s what Bears want you to think. “Oh look at the cute widdle bears.” Meanwhile, setting you to drop your guard, so that they can kill and eat you AND your Children!
All these books are just the signs that Hollywood and the publishing business are in bed with Bears and the “Bear Agenda.” All creatures can love… except Bears; Bears are godless killing machines without a soul. And they are coming. Coming for all of us.
“But Christopher,” the Bear Apologists might say, “Not all bears are Grizzlies. What about Spectacle Bears? What about Sloth Bears or Himalayan Sun Bears?” Bear Apologists do mention these smaller bears; the “Infiltrators” as I like to call them–for they are the most dangerous of all. Oh, don’t think the roots of the Bear conspiracy run deep, for it is vaster than you can imagine.
Articles have shown that the Bears at national parks in the western U.S. were teaching their young how to break into cars… including passing along the knowledge that certain makes of vehicle were easier to open than others. An interesting natural fact or merely Stage 1 of a much larger conspiracy?
“But…but…Bears are endangered,” these Bear Apologists mutter pointing to the decreased numbers sighted at Yellowstone and other parks. You might think this would defuse the truthiness of my argument, but it actually backs up its factyness.
The Bear Apologists say that there were great numbers of Bears in the Forest before, now there are fewer. This proved two things:
1. Bears have clearly taken the lead in stealth technologies for infiltration of larger Human society.
2. The number of Bears in the wood is lower because they are living among us now
Think about it. Bears are omnivores. This means they seek to eat everything including humans. This so-called drop in Bear numbers is similar to the drop in radio traffic by the Japanese fleet just before Pearl Harbor.
The Bears are planning something and if we sit here on our duffs in Isolationist America ignoring these signs, then we as free people are doomed.
The Bears seek to kill us all, enslave our women, and feast upon our precious, precious honey. The Bear Conspiracy is vast; this rabbit hole is deep–and filled with Bears.